


I'll Keep You in My Heart Pt. 2

by Angeii_K



Series: I'll Keep You in My Heart [2]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Season 7 AU, in this universe the Rumple/EQ storyline never happened and they've only ever been friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2019-10-28 02:03:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 63,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17778497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angeii_K/pseuds/Angeii_K
Summary: when Regina returns back to Storybrooke after she cast the curse to join the realms she finds herself faced with Memories of a past she'd rather forget, feelings she thought she was long over until she saw HER again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lotto95](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lotto95/gifts).



> (TRIGGER WARNING: DEPRESSION, NOT EATING, PTSD.)
> 
> This is a very late birthday present for my wifey! Sorry this took so long, Pookie, but I hope it was worth the wait ;P
> 
> I Love you!! <3
> 
>  
> 
> I'd also like to say a big thank you to Vicky aka delicatepoem for helping me with editing and reading it!!

Regina never thought she’d see her again.

See this place again, that damn car, those sun-kissed princess curls. And yet, here she was, months after saying goodbye to her, months after forgiving her so she could move on and start a new life.

She was back, back in time, standing on a road unchanged, in a town of ghosts, her life changed and unchanged…These crossroads created in the flash of an idea, in months of preparation, of tweaking and reworking the curse until it was almost unrecognizable, each line of it laced with love, each letter a memory, an emotion, a story both told and untold, ravelling and unravelling the timeline, stitching together realms…and all with love…her love for her family, her son, granddaughter, sister, niece…and Emma…

Emma, who still after swearing to let her go, fills up so many of her thoughts, her emotions… And the voice in her head that used to belong to her mother is now Emma’s telling her she believes in her, that she’s good, that she deserves to be happy. Every second of self-doubt is met with a now blurry image of Emma Swan, with the whispered words of the woman.

Except now, now she’s back in this place, on this road, staring at a place she never thought she’d see again…in a time where another her had just left to help her son…in a time where Emma was pregnant…where Emma had just left her with nothing but a nod…where Emma had torn her heart to shreds with a look, with the time that passed while she watched Emma love another… All of this fresh within her mind as she stared at the Granny’s, squeezing her eyes shut to ward off the memories of Emma looming over her, of the cold brick against her back, of the taste of wine and whiskey on her tongue, on her breath.

Regina never thought she’d be back here, back to this time, in this place, with these feelings and hurts fresh in her mind once again, twisting, pulling, squeezing her fragile heart.

The words “This was a mistake,” echoing in her mind, still able to hear her own broken voice as she called after Emma’s fast retreating form. _This was a mistake_ … those words soon echoed with the ones of encouragement, mix together with memories of rough hands and soft eyes, grips unyielding, words filled with hate, with love, twisting and swirling until she was sure she would crumble again, fall to the asphalt below her booted feet, broken and weak. Unsure of what to do, what to say, because she’d been sure she’d never see her again, but there Emma was, standing in Granny’s, hair down in loose curls and a baby cradled protectively in her arms, confusion and fear evident in her body language as she and everyone else wondered what the cloud of smoke that brought Regina back and brought everyone else back really was.

“Mom?” A large hand landed on her shoulder, squeezing it, shaking her out of her thoughts, out of her memories…out of the looming depression. “Are you okay?”

“Yes…” she breathed out a gasp when Emma finally turned, their eyes locking, “No…” She said a second later, feeling everything twist around her again, feeling the crumbling in her bones, feeling that ache, that unsteadiness. She leaned back into Henry unconsciously, her full-grown son catching her, supporting her, comforting her. “She’s…”

“Roni!” A voice yelled as they ran down the street toward them, Regina turning to focus on Rogers. “Alice!” He yelled next, and Regina turning to see Alice and Robin running from the other end of the road.

“Regina!” Her head snapped toward Granny’s this time, hearing the happy reunion behind her in faint chattering as she stared at Emma running toward her, smile wide and confused… Emma was…she was…a tear rolled down Regina’s cheek…because Emma was dancing at Granny’s, she was insults, she was hands grazing, feather-light caresses, tears, heartbreak, yelling, blood, betrayal, happiness, her every weakness, the echoing sounds of laughter, the drunken singing of rock music, the sway of hips… She was everything all at once, she was there, she was Emma…she was real…she wasn’t hers.

“Mom!” Henry yelled, Regina sure he was talking to Emma until she realized she was falling, until she realized she was wrapped in his arms again, strong and protective…a grown man…and she, she was falling like the branch of her apple tree after Emma brought that chainsaw to it, and then everything was nothing, just blissful darkness and the worried call of her name from a voice so familiar yet not really…

When she started coming to again she heard distant sounding voices, warped as they met her ears.

“It must have been the curse, she must’ve used too much magic,” Henry’s voice met her ears, deep, garbled, soothing…but not soothing her.

“We should take her to Whale!” Regina’s face scrunched up at the mention of the man’s name from a voice that sounded like Snow. Warmth, safety, love spread through her in hot tingles a second later, magic…but not anyone’s magic, no, it was Emma’s…Emma’s oozing through her pores, rushing through her veins from nothing but a gentle hand on her cheek.

“Why does she always do these things to herself?! I never should have left her!”

“You didn’t leave her, Swan, you came–”

“I left her! And my son. Because you wanted me to be someone I’m not!”

“Swan…”

“Why are you even here?!”

“Emma!” The Charming’s voices echoed loudly through her, louder than the thudding of her own heart from the touch, from the magic, from the bickering…from Emma…Emma all around her…

“Emma?” She breathed, turning her head to try and see her as she slowly opened her eyes, Regina realizing a second later that her head was resting in Emma’s lap, her eyes slowly rising until they met Emma’s blue tinted and bloodshot as tears shimmered in them.

“Regina! Thank god! You scared the crap outta me!”

“Emma?” Regina frowned, looking around them, eyes landing on Henry…and then Henry…“Henry?”

“Mom.”

“Regina,” they said together. Younger, King Henry moved closer, posture regal and poised, while her Henry knelt next to her, his large hands cradling hers.

“Mama, are you okay?” He sounded so little.

She smiled weakly, squeezing her hand as she met his eyes, “I’m fine, I guess I just exuded more energy then I realized.” Henry looked at her in understanding, squeezed her hand in comfort. “Can you take me home? I could use the rest.” She said, reluctantly sitting up from her lap, feeling Emma’s fingers fall from her hair as she pulled away, turning to look at her a second later, eyes locking instantly, saying so much…Regina finding it hard to breathe at just how close they were sitting.

“Of course, mom,” Henry said, snapping her attention back to him, that hand in his being used a second later to help her up to her feet, and then his arm wrapped around her protectively, comfortingly, steadying…he’s grown much too fast.

“Mom?” She heard young Henry say, turning to look at him only to see he was talking to Emma and not her…because Emma was this Henry’s mom… “May I return with you to the palace?”

Emma smiled at him, wide and loving, but also with just the hint of uncertainty, “Of course, Henry, but you should know, I don’t exactly live in a palace in this world.”

“You can, Regina brought it.”

Emma glanced at her, brows furrowed before she looked around, tall imposing buildings, mountains, trees all in the distance making her gasp. “What did you do?”

“She brought the realms together in unity,” Snow announced proudly, smiling widely, and Regina just wanted to go home and cry.

“How?”

“That is a story for tomorrow, dear, I really must be getting my rest…” She nodded toward the small bundle squirming unhappily in Hook’s arms, “And you should be getting the baby to bed as well.”

“Right…” Emma frowned, “But Reg–”

“I’m tired, Miss Swan, can’t your questions wait?!” She snapped, Emma looking very much like a wounded puppy as Regina turned away again, walking away from Henry’s hold, head held high, cementing her walls into place with each step…that is until a small voice called out to her, stopping her instantly.

“Grandma!” She turned, fake annoyance on her features as the small girl ran up to her, wrapping her arm around Regina’s waist, Regina’s arm draping over her shoulders as she started walking again, only faintly registering the small, broken gasp from Emma.

“What did I say about calling me Grandma?”

Lucy giggled, “Sorry Nana.”

“No.”

“Abuelita?”

Regina sighed, other hand reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose.

“Gigi?”

“Lucy…”

“Yes, Grams?”

“You are just like your father and Grandmother.”

Lucy flashed her the brightest smile, “I am?”

“Sadly…I was hoping the smartassery would skip a generation…”

She heard a low chuckle, turning to see Henry fast approaching with Jacinda next to him, “You act as if I didn’t get it from you…this is all your fault, Mom…accept it.”

Regina sighed, “I’ve created a monster.”

Henry’s eyes sparkled with humour as she met the teasing smile of his moms, her nose scrunching up as he said, “I love you too.”

“My little prince,” she gushed, reaching out to pat his cheek as soon as he was in reach, draping his arm over her shoulders like she did with Lucy a second later, Regina’s slipping behind his to affectionately rub his back before falling to his waist, sharing a smile with Jacinda as she slipped her hand from Henry’s waist to tangle their fingers together.

Regina made her first mistake of the evening though, her gaze moving back, back to Emma, to lock instantly with sad, lost eyes…screaming at her, telling her to come back…Regina reminded of the time when Emma and Henry walked off just like this all those years ago, leaving her alone and hurting…except Emma wasn’t alone now because she had a husband, a baby, parents, another Henry…except words flowed into her head a second later, echoing, familiar, words that she’s played on repeat since the moment she heard them all those years ago, _“Living in Storybrooke, I’ve got my son and my parents, and I love them, but they can’t always understand me. They don’t know what it feels like to be rejected and misunderstood—not the way I do, not the way you do—and somehow that makes us, I don’t know, unique or maybe even special.”_

“Mom?” She forced her eyes away from Emma, meeting Henry’s which were so similar to his other mothers, “Are you okay?”

“I will be, dear…”

He leaned over, kissing the side of her head as he led them to 108 Mifflin Street.

 

* * *

 

“Regina, get up.” She blinked open her eyes just peeking out over the blankets wrapped around her, squinting in the dark room to try and make out the silhouette of her sister. “When did you become such a ruddy mess?”

“Fuck off,” Regina grumbled, turning over to face away from her.

“Sorry, can’t do that. We have places to be today.”

“No we don’t, it’s Saturday. Saturday is sleep day.”

Zelena’s laugh meets her ears before the bed dips signalling to her that the other woman sat down, “When did you turn into Emma Swan?”

Regina flipped over onto her back to glare up at her, “Since I was cursed to be a bartender with a slight drinking problem.”

“C’mon, up!” Zelena said pulling the blanket away from her and grabbing onto her hands when they shot down to grab the blanket, pulling her upright unexpectedly, a surprised gasp leaving her mouth. “If you’re not ready to go in one hour I’ll personally dress you!” she threatened before spinning on her heels and leaving the room, the door closing with a loud click behind her as Regina called out:

“Motherhood has made you no fun!”

She frowned, turning to look in the mirror on her vanity, a deep frown forming instantly, “I look like hell run over!”

“That’s what you get for moping!” Zelena called through the door and Regina turned to glare at it.

“Fuck off!”

“Yell all you want! You’re just preparing me for Robin’s wild teen years!”

“Ugh!” Regina grumbled, stomping her foot before marching to her en-suite bathroom to take a quick shower.

 

* * *

 

“Where are we even going anyways?” Regina asked, looking into the backseat at toddler Robin playing with a toy car.

“It’s family day! We’re going to breakfast then the park!”

“You got me out of bed for food and to play in the park?”

“Yes.”

“You know I’m not really Emma, right?”

Zelena rolled her eyes. “Just focus on the road!”

“I created this town, Zelena. I could quite literally walk through it with my eyes closed! I actually have!” Zelena looked at her funny. “What! There wasn’t much to do during the curse! I had to make things eventful after 10 years of the same damn thing over and over and over again!”

Zelena laughed, “Fearsome evil queen my arse.”

“If Robin wasn’t in the car I’d be tempted to teleport out and see how you fair without me.”

“Love you too, baby sis.”

Regina rolled her eyes, turning onto Main Street and looking for parking outside of Granny’s. “You know there are so many places to eat now why must we come here?”

“Henry wanted to,” Zelena stated matter-of-factly and well, that was all Regina needed to know. “Go ahead, I gotta get Robin.”

Regina frowned slightly but nodded, taking the keys out of the ignition and handing them over to Zelena, looking back at the toddler and flashing her a goofy face, “I’ll see you inside, little one.”

“Auntie Gina!” She whined as Regina ducked out of the car, stopping her in her tracks, “You take me!”

Regina chuckled, looking down the street before pulling out the driver’s side door, “You know I can’t say no to that pout…” She sighed as she bopped the toddler on the nose before reaching down to the buckles, Zelena’s laughter reaching her from where she stood, smirking on the sidewalk outside of Granny’s. “Okay, Monkey, let’s go,” she said with an exaggerated huff as she pulled the girl from the back seat, arms wrapped around her neck and legs around her waist as soon as she was standing up.

“And I thought I spoiled her.”

Regina rolled her eyes, shutting the door with the flick of her fingers while Zelena pressed the lock button on the keys. “I’ve missed her,” Regina admitted while kissing her chubby cheek.

“Oh I’m wounded Aunt Regina,” Regina turned to look at the full-grown Robin, hand tangled with Alice’s, wooden engagement band on her left hand.

“Robin!” Her smile could split her face as she looked at the girl, “I miss you too, it’s hard having you live so far away.”

“I just live in Hyperion Heights, you can poof over any time.”

Regina shifted little Robin onto her hip, holding out her hand to Robin, “Come give me a hug, Monkey.”

Robin sighs, her mom and Aunt just HAVE to keep calling her that don’t they? “I thought mom was the monkey?” She asked while letting Regina pull her into a one arm hug, pulling back as Regina reached out, tucking her dirty blonde hair behind her ear before patting her cheek affectionately.

“You’re both my Monkeys.”

“I love you too.” Robin smiled before locking eyes with her younger self, “Hello mini-me!”

“Hello, Robbie!”

Regina and Zelena both laughed at the long-ago memory, “Come on, let’s go eat, I’m starved!”

Regina smiled at Zelena, suddenly happy that her sister dragged her out of bed as she watched the young couple rejoin hands and lead the way into the diner, Regina following behind them.

“Mom!” Henry exclaimed, Zelena scooping little Robin out of Regina’s arms with a little spin as she headed to the table the rest of the family inhabited.

“Henry,” she sighed as he wrapped her up in a tight hug, lifting her off the ground for a second.

“How are you doing?” He whispered in her ear and she relaxed in his hold.

“Alright…”

He pulled back, his gaze serious as he took her in, “Good, you didn’t try to lie to me.”

Regina smiled softly, reaching up to run her thumb over his cheek, “Never again.”

He grinned, bending down to kiss her forehead like she used to do to him before he took her hand leading her to the table full of family, the ones she loves the most.

“Hi, erm, Mom?” Regina smiled at ‘Ry’ — which they’d started calling him since it was just easier — reaching down to brush his hair from his eyes.

“You don’t have to call me that if you’re not comfortable with it.”

He flashed her a lopsided smile that was so much like Emma’s she felt her heart crack a little bit., “No, I want to it’s just…I wasn’t sure you’d want me to,” he said, his eyes dropping unsurely, and Regina offered him her trademark ‘Henry smile’ right down to the crinkling of her nose as she bent down slightly, curling her fingers under his chin to tip his head up to look her in the eyes.

“I want you to do whatever you feel comfortable with. I love you, Henry, that’s not going to change whether you call me mom or not.”

“Okay.” He smiled shyly and added, “I saved you the seat by me,” as he pointed to the empty chair, and she flashed him a wide smile.

“Thank you, dear,” she sat down, looking around the table and waving at Lucy who grinned back at her from where she was colouring with little Robin, Henry’s arm draped over Jacinda’s shoulder as she talked with Alice, Robin and Zelena catching up on what’s been happening in the city. “Rogers couldn’t make it?”

Alice shook her head, “No, the sheriff has him hard at work.”

Regina nodded, feeling that pang in her chest again, Henry offering an understanding smile when she met his gaze while Ry stared down at the menu, “Mom, what should I try this time?” His modern food lessons a common thing when they got together, Regina’s smile wide as she bent her head to look at the menu she knew by heart to point out the best breakfast foods for him to try out.

Breakfast was going good, filled with easy laughter and conversation. Robin and Alice were filling them in on their wedding planning while Henry talked about the book he started outlining, and Lucy about school. It was just... _peaceful,_ and Regina was feeling happy like maybe she could keep going on in this place filled with so many memories. She was also purposely not looking to the back of the diner where she and Emma danced together all those years ago…not to the bar where they shared drinks…her heart quivering every time she remembered that this was the table she had sat with Emma a few times for family dinners or strategy meetings with the pirate…and definitely not to her left where she threatened Emma when they first met…she wouldn’t look or even think about it because every time she did it felt like someone was slowly squeezing her heart…a feeling she was very familiar with.

“Regina?” the sudden appearance of her voice broke through their happy chatter, everything freezing around Regina as she registered just who it was.

“Ma?” Henry’s voice was panicked and Regina’s heart skipped, clenched, dropped into the pit of her stomach, a lump forming in her throat as she turned her head, looking up at Emma Swan, perfect blonde princess curls, red leather jacket, and…she blinked at the stroller in Emma’s grasp before looking around for the pirate then back to meet those sea-green eyes, those beautiful, painful eyes that made her heart skip with excitement but her whole being hurt, her jaw clenching as she felt the swirling of anger and pain fill her up once again, like it was that day after her memories returned all over again.

“Can we talk?” Regina blinked again, opening her mouth to tell her to leave her alone, to tell her she wanted nothing to do with her. But then Emma flashed those puppy dog eyes of hers and said, “Please?” and Regina had no choice but to relent… _why must she be so weak?_ So she nodded, slowly standing from her chair on legs that didn’t feel very stable but she was a queen and she never ever shows her weakness! “Henry, can you watch your sister?” Regina barely registering Emma’s request as her mind screamed and hollered and fought against her choices, barely hearing anying over the thudding of her own pulse in her ears.

He nodded, pulling the stroller closer to him while looking worriedly at Regina, “Mom?” he asked when Emma walked out the front of the diner, waiting for Regina.

Regina focused back on him, flashing him a slightly pained smile, “It’s fine, dear.”

He frowned slightly at her but nodded before she walked out the door, Emma walking further away from the diner with her hands buried in the back pockets of her jeans, Regina following with her hands wrapped protectively around her middle.

Emma stopped when they were out of view of the diner, spinning around to look at Regina with shy eyes, bobbing on her feet awkwardly.

“What do you want, Miss Swan?” Emma’s eyes lit up for a second at the old term while Regina’s heart cracked some more at the reminder that she wasn’t even that anymore…her brain vindictively reminding her that she was now _Mrs._ Swan.

“Look, Regina…I just…I want to say I’m so–”

“Save it, Swan…I’m not in the mood for your apologies, you did what you felt right and once again I paid the consequences…but the worst part about all of it, Emma… _our son_ almost paid them too.” Regina growled, hands slowly gripping into fists at her sides, nails digging into the palm of her hands but that hurt less than the pain she’d felt in the last few years because Emma left them.

“Regina…”

“NO!” Regina barked, pointing at Emma with a shaking finger as she continued, “ _You_ left us! Your family! Because, what? You had the pirate now? The baby on the way? Your pretty little perfect replacement family so why would you need us, right?!” Regina laughed twistedly, “You did to Henry just what your parents did to you except they didn’t actually leave you behind! They were still always there for you but you just said, hasta la vista to _our_ son, _YOUR_ son and jumped through that portal with Captain Guyliner never to be seen again!” Angry tears burned in Regina’s eyes. “I watched him almost die again, Swan, and you were decorating your nursery and giggling over onesies with Snow while I was fighting for his life, fighting for _my_ granddaughter’s life! Forced to cast another curse! _Alone!_ And I did it! I fought tooth and nail, laid _my life_ on the line for _my_ son!” Tears finally escaped her eyes but her glare was hard, deadly as she stepped closer to Emma, teeth bared, “You don’t get to waltz back into my life, our life with your half-assed apologies like you didn’t hurt us…like you didn’t break my son’s heart! I picked up the pieces after you left him, _I_ saved him, _I_ helped him get ready for his wedding day, _I_ calmed his worries about being a father, _I_ helped his wife deliver, _I_ helped them raise that sweet beautiful girl in there! _I_ saved him like I vowed to do the moment I held him in my arms 32 years ago! Not you! You left him! You don’t get to just…you have no right, _Mrs._ Swan!” She spat, spinning on her heels to storm away, anger twisting furiously around her soul, sadness making her feel like she could throw up.

“Regina!” Emma yelled after her, lunging forward and grabbing her arm to stop her, Regina stopping in her tracks to glare at Emma, yanking her arm out of  her grasp as Emma begged with heavy tears running down her face, “Please! I’m so–” Emma stopped speaking when Regina’s hand made contact with her cheek, her eyes wide in shock as she raised her hand to her cheek, lower lip wobbling.

“You _left_ us, Emma! Sorry isn’t going to make it magically better!” and with that she vanished in a plume of dark purple smoke, collapsing to the floor of her bedroom as soon as she appeared, vicious painful sobs tearing through her, hand stinging from striking Emma, her stomach twisting and flipping, her mind battling with herself…

“I hit her…” Bile rose up her throat, her hand clasping over her mouth as she teleported herself to the bathroom without even thinking about it, sobbing as she threw up her breakfast, jolting a little while later when she felt a hand against her back, pulling back her hair into a short ponytail, “Henry…”

“Shhh, it’s okay, mom, I got you.”

She collapsed against his chest, body trembling with sobs as he held her close, rocking her slightly and rubbing her back like she used to do for him…kissing the top of her head. “How?” she gasped.

“When Emma came back to collect Hope with a bright red handprint on her face and even redder eyes I knew it didn’t go well…I made her send me here.”

“I-I’m so sorry, H-Henry, I d-don’t know what c-came over me…” She hiccupped a sob, so small in his arms, “I was so angry…”

“I know, mom…it’s okay…I know…”

“She left us…”

Henry sighed, kissing the top of her head again, hugging her closer, tighter as Regina’s hands gripped into fists at the back of his shirt, feeling his tears as they fell on her head.

“I’m sorry, Henry…”

“It’s okay, mama…I’m not mad…”

She sobbed again, the two of them on the floor of the bathroom for who knows how long, Regina’s back killing her but she was just so weak…too weak to even think about picking herself up off this floor.

“I got her,” a voice said, almost distorted as she listened to the steady beating of her son's heart…she almost lost him…

“No, Auntie Z, it’s okay…” He exhaled heavily. “I can’t leave her because if I do I’m gonna do something very stupid.”

“At least let me help you get her to bed?”

“Fine…” He sighed. Regina whimpered as Henry pulled away, shifting her and then she was being lifted off the ground, held carefully in Henry’s arms and she only cried harder because her son shouldn’t have to do this…she’s supposed to be strong for him…not so weak.

“I could kill that woman,” Zelena spat, hand pushing a lock of hair that was too short to fit in the ponytail behind her ear.

“Yeah…” Henry sighed as he laid her down on the bed, Regina turning on her side in a small ball as soon as she was put down, magic surrounding her only to fade away a few seconds later, only thing seen now was her trembling form under the light grey duvet, her shoes sitting by the wall next to her closet, flash of purple from inside telling them she magically changed.

“Oh, Regina…” Zelena sighed, while Henry sat on the end of her bed, looking sadly down at her.

“I don’t know what to do, Auntie Z…”

“Come with me, sweets.”

Regina felt Henry stand from the mattress, the blanket pulled down slightly to kiss the side of her head as he whispered, “I’ll be right back, mama.”

Then she heard muffled footsteps until the door shut with a swift click. Sure she was alone again, she curled up tighter. Everything hurt.

 

* * *

 

She buried herself into her work of helping all the other realms get settled in this new way of living, working with Henry to get schedules for portals running in every adjoining realm. Hiding away from all Charming’s like they were the plague; she could see the way her loved ones looked at her, constantly worried about her…Zelena and Henry the most.

“You need to eat something, Regina!” Zelena’s voice boomed through the house, slamming the still full plate from lunch on the marble countertop.

“I’m not hungry,” she replied, hands on her hips as Zelena glared at her.

“All you do is work and sleep these days, I’m worried about you, Regina!”

“Don’t be, I’m fine!”

“You’ve barely eaten in weeks! Your clothes hang off you like rags!” Zelena’s voice boomed again, Regina wrapping her arms around herself protectively.

“I’m fine, I just lost weight while away. This is all my old stuff.”

Zelena laughed bitterly, “It fit you fine 3 weeks ago!” Regina looked away from her, jaw setting as she tried to stop herself from crying. “Please, Regina…you need to take care of yourself…”

Regina’s eyes shot up to meet hers with a glare, “I am! I told you I’m fine! Just because you don’t see me eating, doesn’t mean I’m not!”

“For fucks sakes, Regina!” Zelena threw her hands in the air, storming towards her, hands gripping her shoulders while Regina stubbornly met her eyes, chin jutted out like the regular queen she is. “I refuse to sit by and watch you starve yourself to death!”

“Then leave! Everybody else does!” Regina shrugged out of her hold, storming out of the kitchen toward her room.

“Henry is worried about you! I’m worried about you!” Regina stopped midway up the stairs, posture drooping slightly. “Ry sees it too, and Lucy…Regina, we care about you…please just…get some help.”

“I’m fine…”

“No, you fucking aren’t!”

Her posture straightened up again, back ramrod straight, shoulders rolled back and head held high. “Just…leave me alone, Zelena.”

“Regina…”

“Go! Get out of my house, Zelena!” She spun, voice booming, eyes dangerous, looking more like the Evil Queen then she has in years.

“No,” Zelena stated, hands on her hips as she stared up at her little sister just as stubbornly. “I’m not leaving you.”

“Whatever…” Regina growled, spinning around to stomp up the stairs once again, door slamming behind her before she slipped down it, pulling her legs to her chest as sobs wracked her body, not knowing that in the foyer Zelena looked much the same.

 

* * *

 

“Hello, Regina, what can I do for you?” Regina clenched her jaw at the painfully caring voice of the red-haired man sitting in a chair before her.

“Doctor Hopper…I…” She pursed her lips, looking down at Pongo sitting in front of her, tail slapping into the floor from the excitement of seeing her again. She sighed, bending down to pet the dog, Archie just sitting in his chair patiently waiting for her to continue, tears welling in her throat as the dog licked her face. She dropped her head to rest against Pongo’s, tears falling from her eyes, and Pongo whimpered, licking the underside of her chin. “I need your help.”

“Okay.” Regina looked up at him, the shock was written on her face, it always surprised her how quickly the man agreed to help her. “Why don’t you take a seat and you can tell me what’s troubling you.”

Regina nodded slowly, pulling herself to her full height, trying not to focus on how she must look, pants baggy on her legs and jacket looking like it was about 2 sizes too big. She wrapped her arms protectively around her middle as she walked the few steps to the couch, Pongo hopping on it next to her and dropping his head on her lap, subconsciously petting his head while she looked around the room. “I seem to have fallen into a bout of depression…”

“Oh?”

She looked down at the dog in her lap, watching as she ran her hand over his head, focused on the thump of his tail against the couch, tears welling in her eyes again… “I almost lost Henry, Lucy, Ella…my whole family…” She shook her head. “Rumple died right in front of me, my only friend…I know he hurt me a lot, my feelings for him have always been a little mixed up, hate because of how he manipulated me into…” She sighed and continued, “But over the years I did grow to consider him a part of my family…” Tears rolled down her cheeks, “It just feels like nothing is how it was…nothing is the same, and I feel like I don’t belong in this life…”

Archie nodded, “I see…that must have been very hard.”

“It was…it is…” She sighed, looking out the window, reaching up with her hand to wipe away her tears.

“Tell me about what happened to Henry.”

Regina focused back on him, “What?”

“I know how much you love him, it must have been hard facing that all alone?”

“Yes…” Regina sighed, looking back out the window, “He was poisoned, on Lucy’s birthday…magic couldn’t heal him…I had to enact the curse to save his life…” Archie nodded. “Drizella made me remember not long into the curse…made me…I had to lie to him, keep him away from his wife and daughter…”

“And he didn’t remember you?”

Her lower lip trembled and she wanted to beat herself up about it, “He didn’t…he thought he was an orphan…”

“Like Emma?”

Regina nodded.

“So you had to fight for your son alone? Without Emma?” Regina locked eyes with him, wide with shock. “It must have been hard without your support system behind you.”

“I had Zelena…”

“But she wasn’t Emma?”

“No…she wasn’t… _isn’t._ ”

“How do you feel about her not being there?”

“Angry, devastated…betrayed…like I could crush her heart into dust, choke the life out of her…like I could die…” Regina laughed bitterly, “I thought I got past this…”

“Seeing someone again after so long can bring up those feelings again.”

Regina laughed again, just as broken and hollow as the last, “Yeah, feelings…”

“Ahh,” Archie said, “You still love her…”

Regina’s eyes were wide as she looked at him, forgetting about that session they had a few years after Henry left for just a moment until it came crashing back with a long defeated sigh, “Yes, I still love her…but I also hate her…anyways she’s with the pirate, my feelings are as stupid and destructive as they’ve always been.”

“Have you spoken with her about this?” Regina frowned at him, “About how you feel about her not being around, not about how you love her…although it might be good to t–”

“I can never tell her! It’s a mistake…”

“Regina…”

“Anyways we talked about the other stuff…or well I yelled…” Regina looked down at Pongo in shame, “I struck her…I can’t believe I…how can I even look at her again?”

“I’m sure she doesn’t hold it against you, Regina. You two have done much worse to each other in anger.”

“Not in decades…”

“Decades for you…not her,” Regina looked up at him, “you two have only known each other for 13 years here…now…”

“That’s still a long time.”

“Yes, but we both know you and Miss Swan have never been very good at dealing with emotions…if you explain and apologize I’m sure she will forgive you.”

Regina shook her head, looking back out the window, “No, I can’t look at her without…” Her breath hitched, and it was difficult to keep going.., “I get so angry, and my heart feels like it’s breaking…I see her with the pirate’s spawn and I just want to throw up…She’s not…” She shook her head. “This is stupid…”

“No, it’s not, Regina…”

“I…I’m fine…really I’ll get over it…I did before…” Regina slipped out from Pongo’s head and stood, ignoring the way the dog whimpered at the loss of attention.

“Regina…”

“Thank you, Archie, but I won’t be needing your services after all.”

“Have you been eating?” He asked as her hand wrapped around the doorknob, her body deflating instantly. “You look like you haven’t slept in months either…nightmares?” A sob forced its way up her throat, “It’s okay to not be okay, Regina…you came here for my help, let me help you,” he said, voice calm, sure, caring. When the sob finally escaped, his hand was pressed to her back in a soothing and steadying gesture, both of them just standing there as she cried, Archie not saying a word, smiling softly when she settled down.

He wrote a date for their next appointment in his planner. The last words he said to her before she vanished in a puff of purple smoke were, “Please try to eat something. Even if you’re not hungry, eat something small.”

She agreed. Going home, she didn’t leave her bed for the rest of the day, but when Zelena dropped off a bowl of soup later that night she ate half of it.

 

* * *

 

“If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were avoiding me.”

Her head shot up at the voice, eyes wide as her heart beat erratically in her chest. “Snow…” She breathed, straightening up in her seat and flattening out her skirt, fingers fiddling in her lap where they couldn’t be seen. “What are you doing here?”

“Can’t I check in on my old friend?” Regina arched a brow and Snow shrugged, “Also a few citizens wanted me to ask you some things about the new portal system.”

“All questions will be addressed at the next town meeting.”

“Regina…” Snow sighed, walking toward her desk with worried brows, “I haven’t seen you since you arrived…”

Regina sighed, reaching her hand up to raise her glasses to the top of her head and pinch the bridge of her nose, leaning back in her chair, “I’ve been busy.”

Snow really looked at her, a deep frown etched on her face, “Are you okay, Regina? You don’t look too well?”

“I’m fine,” Regina stood, walking to her drink bar to pour herself some water.

“Emma told me,” Regina spun to look at her, heart dropping into the pit of her stomach, sure she swayed on her feet for a moment, “About your fight…”

“It’s nothing, Snow.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it nothing, Regina…”

“I feel bad about hitting her but she didn’t need to go running to her mommy about it.” Regina rolled her eyes, looking up to meet Snow’s when all she got was a small gasp. “What?” She bit, exhaustion written all over her face.

“You hit her?!”

Regina sighed, reaching up to pinch her nose again, “She didn’t tell you…”

“She did not! Why would you–”

“Snow, please, I don’t have the energy for your self-righteous goodness.”

“Oh no, we’re going to talk about this!”

“I said drop it, Snow!” She barked, Snow jumping in place making Regina curl in on herself a little, hand not holding her drink moving to lay on her stomach while the other one trembled, the ice clinking in the glass making her fear known. Quickly she put it back down before Snow realized, but alas it was too late because the woman was walking toward her with those damn sad eyes of hers, “Please…just…don’t…”

“Oh, Regina…” Snow sighed, pulling her into a hug and Regina stood there stiffly, trying not to fall apart in front of another person but she knew if she didn’t at least return the hug Snow would never let go, so she slowly wrapped her arms around the woman’s back, still a little stiff in the way too tight hug. “Come, let me buy you lunch.” She said after a few moments, smiling that hopeful smile at her, eyes shimmering looking too much like Emma’s that she had to look away, and yet she had no choice but to agree with those damn hopeful eyes staring at her…which was how she ended up at Granny’s with Snow as she told her about what had been happening in town since her departure (well, her other selves departure…but semantics) and being stared at until she finished a whole chicken sandwich, side salad, _and_ piece of pie all washed down with some herbal tea, Snow muttering, “You’re too skinny,” as she ordered Regina the apple pie.

She knew this would eventually get back to Emma, however, she was not ready to have a worried saviour breathing down her neck; it was bad enough having her whole family, Archie, and _now_ Snow White.

 

* * *

 

**“You okay?”**

She got the text 3 days after her lunch with Snow, finding herself looking back at it repeatedly over the next week, every time she looked down at those words it caused her heartbeat to quicken and her throat close up around the emotions that wanted to burst free making her have to put the phone away.

**“I’m sorry for hurting you…for leaving you and Henry…”**

She cried from that one, everything in her battling with each other, anger and sadness and love…a mess of swirling messy emotions.

**“I forgive you…for slapping me…you were upset…I shouldn’t have grabbed you…I known better.”**

Came a few days later, it gave her pause, staring at it all day and deep into the night, then staring at it again when she woke from another nightmare, typing out, _“What do you mean, “should have known better”?”_ She sent it, her sleep-deprived brain unable to fully control her actions…the loneliness in her chest reaching out for someone…the image of Henry lying dead in the dirt too fresh in her mind to even think about closing her eyes for the rest of the night…to not want to try and seek comfort in Emma’s words except the words didn’t sit right this time. _“I’m…I shouldn’t have struck you, Emma…there’s no way I can make up for hurting you…I know better than to let my anger take control of me like that…at least not anymore. I am sick to my stomach over what I did.”_

**“No, it’s okay…I never should have left you for him…”**

Regina frowned, _“Are you okay?”_

**“Yes.”**

Regina sighed, thinking about what she could possibly say in response.

**“Why are you up so late?”**

_“Couldn’t sleep.”_

**“Why not?”**

Regina frowned again, thinking about telling Emma about her nightmares, about what happened while she was away but instead she placed her phone back on her bedside table and padded across the hall into Henry’s old room, curling up on his bed and reading one of the comic’s he left behind.

**“I miss you…”**

She got that last one the next morning sobbing until little Robin came into her room, climbing into her lap and asking for breakfast, typing back _“I missed you too.”_ 4 days later before deciding she needed a break and she would go visit her friends in Hyperion Heights, check in on her bar…maybe just be Roni for a bit.

 

* * *

 

She was hiding out in Hyperion Heights for a little over two weeks now, her life was easier here, more relaxing. She read almost all the books she’s been putting off reading since the original curse because she hadn’t had time to sit down to read let alone have a cup of tea half the time.

She discussed Remy’s new restaurant plans that he started with Tiana, helping them make sure everything was up to code and all paperwork was filed correctly with the Mayor’s office back in Storybrooke.

She had coffee in the mornings with Margot and Alice to discuss their wedding plans, dinner every few days with Zelena, Lunch here and there with Rogers to just talk about old times, how they were coping…to laugh about Rumple when they both missed him, and of course, Henry, Jacinda, and Lucy stopped by for family dinner like they would when she was back in Storybrooke but now they could also get coffee if they felt like it…and Regina could just be…she had no obligations in Hyperion Heights, she was just Roni to these people…she could walk down the street and not be constantly bombarded with memories of a past she was trying so hard to bury…she understood why Zelena liked Seattle, liked being just Kelly, a fitness instructor and fiancée to a normal loving man…it held less baggage than their actual lives.

Roni had never woken up in cold sweats from nightmares, but every night Regina woke up at least twice with tears drying on her cheeks, heart hammering solidly against her ribcage and images that made her want to throw up…she sometimes wished she could just forget it all again…just be Roni forever. But Roni didn’t have her sons, didn’t have a family…Roni was alone. And although a life as easy as Roni’s was tempting, she wouldn’t give up her kids, her family, for anything.

But apparently, nearly a month of hiding away from everyone in Storybrooke was too long, because just as she was discussing with Tiana their plans on renovating the old warehouse on Cygnet Avenue into a youth center, Emma walked in, Regina sensing her as soon as she stepped in the door, like her heart sensed her near. When she looked up, she met those magnificent sea green eyes instantly.

“Hi,” Emma smiled awkwardly, waving at the two women at the bar, not recognizing Regina for a millisecond with her curly hair and casual clothes…clothes that more resembled Emma’s than anything she ever thought Regina would be caught dead in. “Can we talk?”

Tiana looked between them before she slid from the bar stool, grabbing her notebook and patting Regina’s hand as she stepped away. “I’ll come by tomorrow if that works for you still?”

“Yes, dear, that should be fine.”

“Okay, have a great day, Roni, call if you need anything? Dinner, drink, someone to talk to…anything, okay?”

Regina flashed her a sincere smile, grabbing the dishcloth from the sink and wiping down the bar as she said, “Thank you, Sabine.” And with that Tiana was turning and walking out of the bar, flashing Emma a slightly awkward smile with just the hint of a warning, of a threat that if she hurt Regina she’d have to deal with her. “What do you want, Emma?”

Emma sighed, moving further into the bar and lowering herself onto one of the stools, “We got a lot of shit to work through…I’ve given you space, but…Regina,” Emma sighed, reaching out and stopping Regina’s hands as they polished the already spotless bar top. “Regina…”

Regina’s eyes shot up to lock with hers, staring into them, a quiet discussion going on for a second, Regina’s eyes saying just how hurt she was and Emma’s quietly telling her once again how sorry she was. Regina let out a pained sigh as she pulled her hands out from Emma’s, stepping away to toss the rag on the counter behind her, facing the rows of booze as she ran her hand through her loose curls.

Emma took that time to fully take in this different look, starting at the cheetah print ankle boots, skin-tight dark wash jeans, a tight grey tank top tucked into her pants, cheetah print belt, and a silk scarf tied around her neck, with what appeared to be skulls on it.

“Regina?”

“It’s hard, Emma!” Regina spun, flinging an arm out in frustration before resting her hand on her stomach like she always did when she was anxious or upset…comforting herself like nobody else ever had.

“What is?” Emma asked, looking at the necklace showing just below the scarf —a gold pendant with an R on it.

“Being back there…” Regina shook her head, hopping up onto the counter behind her, fiddling with her hands in her lap. “Being back in that place, in Storybrooke, everywhere I look it’s a reminder of everything bad I ever did or went through…everyone I see I’ve either hurt or they have hurt me.”

“Regina…” Emma leaned forward on the bar, Regina’s tear-filled eyes meeting hers breaking Emma’s heart more than she thought possible. “I’m so sorry…for the pain I caused you…”

Regina laughed bitterly, rolling her eyes at Emma, “Believe it or not, Swan, but not everything is always ‘cause of you.”

“Well, I’m still sorry for my part in it… All of it, from the moment we met. I’m sorry.”

Regina shook her head at her, and answered, “I know you are…and for what it’s worth, I’m sorry too, I know my curse hurt you the most.”

Emma shrugged, “It is what it is…and without it we wouldn’t have Henry.”

Regina smiled softly at her, “Not according to the wish realm.”

Emma smirked, “The Queen created it, we both know she could never make a world where our son didn’t exist, even to torture me.”

“Yes, she also managed to make a likeable version of your pirate.”

Emma laughed, shaking her head slowly at Regina as she thought about everything, of the years that had come and had yet to…of the version of her that lived a life while Regina fought battles and curses and was cursed and then fought against all the odds to save their son… “I’m sorry, that I left you.”

Regina nodded slowly, “I know…me too.”

“Will you ever forgive me?”

Regina met her eyes, swallowing down a lump in her throat, searching those familiar and yet unfamiliar features. “I kind of already have…it’s complicated, Emma.”

“How so?”

Regina shook her head, pulling her booted foot up to hug it to herself, “Do you know how many years it’s been since you left me at that portal?”

Emma shook her head, she’s tried doing the math but it’s all so complicated, it can be anywhere from 9 years to 20.

“13 years, Miss Swan…Hope would be a teenager in that timeline.”

“It doesn’t feel that long for me…”

“Because it hasn’t been that long for you! It’s been maybe a year since you left us.”

“And it’s been 13 for you…”

“Yes.”

Emma sat back on the stool rubbing her hands over her face, “Magic makes everything so fucking complicated…”

“You’re telling me? All our lives would be completely different if it didn’t exist…”

Emma looked up at her, eyes sad, “Without magic, none of us would exist…”

Regina let her leg fall down, her heel hitting the cupboard behind her once as her leg swayed. “Would definitely be easier.”

“Regina…”

“It’s a joke, Swan. Relax.”

Emma sighed, getting up off the stool and moving around the counter to stand in front of Regina, their eyes locking for a moment, “Are we ever going to talk about that night?”

“You mean when you said I was a mistake? Or when you told me it hurt to look at me? That it’d be easier if I wasn’t around? Or when you left your family with nothing but a nod to go play house with the pirate?”

“That last one was during the day.”

“Dammit, Swan!”

Emma grinned at her, folding her arms protectively in front of her chest as she met Regina’s murderous glare, “I left him,” Regina’s brows shot up and a frown curled on her lips, “Hook, we’re separated, I filed for divorce a few months after I left you and Henry, I hated him for making me feel like I had to leave you guys.”

“Emma…”

Emma shrugged, tears shimmering in her eyes, turning them from that magnificent shade of green to a light blue, “I regretted my decision hours after I walked through that portal and after a few weeks, I couldn’t even recognize myself in the mirror…I mean the real, true me would never leave you and Henry behind…”

Regina leaned on her knees, reaching her hand out so her fingers brushed against the back of Emma’s, “I’m sorry, Emma…”

Emma caught her hand as it was falling away, gripping onto her fingers as she replied, “Don’t be, he was never a right fit…I married him because I thought it was what my parents wanted, I just wanted to make them proud. But the only times I ever felt truly like myself was when I was with you…” She slowly laced their fingers together. “And then Hope was born and I would look at her face and feel whole again…like a little piece of you was back with me.”

“Emma…”

“I know we got a lot to work through until we’re okay again, I know you’re not doing very good right now…I kinda dragged it outta Henry,” Emma looked sheepishly up at Regina when she let out a little annoyed sound, rolling her eyes, but even then she squeezed Emma’s fingers tangled with her own.

Regina’s heart was galloping in her chest at the feel of Emma’s hand in hers, of feeling her skin and warmth against her own, she could smell her shampoo…everything was Emma and safety.

“I know I gotta work for your trust again, but I’m willing to do that, I…I miss having you around, talking to you…” Emma said. “I miss my best friend, I want to help you through this, all of this…”

Regina stared down at their hands, “I’m willing to try…it’s not going to be easy, Emma, but...” She met her eyes, tears shimmering in them, “I miss my best friend as well.”

Emma smiled widely at her, stepping close so Regina’s knees were pressed against Emma’s stomach, Regina’s eyes searching her face, trying to understand why she was so close suddenly…they only ever got this close when they were fighting…or drunk…or when Regina hugged her to hide the tears that were welling in her eyes after Emma announced she was marrying the pirate.

Emma took in a deep shuddering breath, lips pressed together in that goofy smile of hers before she took a step back again, releasing Regina’s hand, leaning back against the bar, “So, Roni?”

Regina laughed, shaking the wild curls out before she hopped down from the counter, walking out from behind it leaving Emma behind or…more likely, to follow. “She’s fun, easy.”

“Oh yeah? Wish I coulda met her.”

Regina turned on her heels, glaring at Emma, trying hard not to smirk when Emma’s eyes still hadn’t reached her head when she spun, “She would have eaten you alive, dear.”

“Damn, now I am really sad I never got to meet her!” Regina rolled her eyes, spinning around and heading to the spiral staircase, “Where are you going?”

“Home.”

Emma blinked, staring at her as she ascended the stairs before looking toward the door, “Uh…”

“Lock up then meet me upstairs, dear.”

“I’m allowed to stay?”

“For a drink. Maybe if you’re lucky I’ll tell you about our granddaughter.”

Emma’s smile was blinding in size, eyes filled with love as she stared at Regina standing before her, “I’d really love that.”

Regina offered her a small smile before she spun back around, continuing up the stairs.

 

* * *

 

After that evening they started talking a little bit more here and there, but Regina found herself bombarded with things she needed to do, spread thin between Storybrooke, Hyperion Heights, and the old kingdom, working tirelessly with the Charming’s and other Royals to figure out how this new joint kingdom would run.

She and Emma had talked, but the most progressive thing they’d managed was to agree on was Ry working part-time as a deputy while the rest of the time he took classes on how to exist in this world. And when Regina wasn’t dealing with her official duties she was in therapy with Archie, going through all the things she’d buried over the years that got dragged to the surface when her memories returned.

She was getting better, put back on almost all the weight she had lost during her depressive episode. Mostly because no matter what she was doing, someone would always show up with food and then stare at her until she ate it, which was annoying as hell, but warmed her heart all the same.

So it wasn’t unusual when Zelena whisked her away to a meeting with the Charming’s at the palace to once again discuss public affairs, but when she arrived everything was different. The first sign being that Zelena made her change into a gown that one would only wear to a ball, the other sign was when she spotted Henry at the entrance of the main hall in his best suit, even nicer than the one he wore at his own wedding.

But what really did it was Ry standing at the doors to the ballroom dressed just as nicely as Henry, his badge glinting from where it was pinned to the lapel of his suit jacket.

Regina smiled affectionately at them, looking between her sons as she asked, “Alright everyone, what’s going on?”

The three others shared a smirk with each other, Henry silently offering her his arm as Zelena, oh so dramatically poofed away, a slightly annoyed laugh leaving Regina even if the affection for her family was evident in her eyes as she took Ry’s arm as well, the doors to the ballroom opening a moment later.

Her eyes locked with the Charming’s standing in the middle of the dais, not unlike the day Regina crashed their wedding…or Ry’s knighting ceremony. However, this time, instead of shrieks of fear, she was being met with applause, cheering even, her heart swelling as she looked between her sons, sure her brain tried to remind her of the day she stood in that very spot as she married the king, but where that was the end of her freedom, the slamming of doors on it, this, right here, felt like they were being blown away, forever open to her.

“What is this?” She asked when she got to the edge of the dais, Snow smiling at her in that way only Snow can, looking like she was so happy it hurt her.

“ _This_ is for you,” Snow answered and Regina couldn’t help the slight smirk that curled on her lips even as she looked up at them in confusion, her head tilting slightly to the side. “All the realms have been united, and _now_ we need someone to lead us,” Regina arched a disbelieving brow at that, _they had to be kidding…_

“And the people have decided, _Your Majesty_ ,” Charming finished, meeting her look of confusion with one of pride, sending little Neal down to stand with Henry, Regina glancing down at the small boy who looked identical to Snow before she looked back up at the Charming’s, eyes wide in shock as she hesitantly stepped up, her heart was beating hard, brain racing as it tried to understand what was happening…I mean, they couldn’t be serious…could they? And then David picked up a wooden box, opening it to reveal to her a beautiful diamond encrusted crown…they were indeed very serious.

“They want it to be you, Regina,” Snow announced, making Regina’s head snap up to meet her gaze. Regina’s eyes were wide, questioning; it was all so much, meant so much…it didn’t make sense, after everything she’d done… _why would they choose me?_ She wondered as she looked around the room, her eyes welling with tears as she saw her whole family, everyone she loved and who loved her…except, no, wait, not everyone, her eyes searching desperately for that head of wild blonde hair but she knew she wasn’t there because although her heart was beating nervously from all of this, full of love and elation, that piece was missing, that feeling she got in her soul whenever Emma was in the same room.

“Are you ready?” Charming asked, her head turning slightly toward him for a second as she took another look around, hoping she had just missed her, that she was wrong…she had to be…they’d been better lately…hadn’t they?

“Uh,” She didn’t mean for the unsure sound to come out, but that dread was twisting around in her gut again. So taking in an unsteady breath she turned to face them, leaning in close as she asked quietly, hoping her voice wouldn’t betray her heartache, “Is _everyone_ here?” Regina registering the sound...it indeed revealed way too much for her liking.

Snow looked at her, understanding on her face as she whispered back, “I think the baby was fussy,” she finished with a cringe. Regina looked between the two hopeful and understanding looks of the two people she never would think she’d consider her friends, let alone _family._

“Oh. Okay.” She nodded, looking around once more, hoping she was hiding her disappointment better than it felt like she was.

“Shall we begin?” Regina smiled tightly, nodding her head as Snow reached in the box for the crown. “Do you, Regina Mills, accept the role of the _first_ elected ruler of the United Realms?”

Regina nodded, smile stretching on her face once more as she spoke, “I do.” Those two words the easiest to speak for the first time since the last she stood in this very spot, expected to say them, to become queen, to sign her life, her freedom and her body over to a man twice her age, to a man she didn’t love, but now, now she stood atop that dais, looking into the eyes of her once stepdaughter, the eyes that now reminded her of the people she loved most in all the realms, her sons and…

“Excellent,” Charming whispered cutting off her train of thought, her eyes blinking as they focused on his, which were wrinkling around the edges with his smile, although it could not beat the one that was nearly splitting Snow’s in two as he instructed her to bow, Regina moving into a curtsy after sending him a playful smirk.

Snow held the crown over her head, smile somehow getting bigger and sappier as she announced, “I now crown you–” but she was cut off as the doors flung open, Regina slowly turning to see who it was, her eyes landing on the out of breath sheriff.

“Sorry, I’m late,” Emma panted.

Regina met those green eyes with her own, her heart instantly filling with love, she felt whole in that moment… “Em-ma…” she breathed.

Their eyes locked in silent communication before Emma smirked, walking toward her, the hand that wasn’t holding little Hope moving out to her side as she stated, “You really didn’t think I’d miss this, did you?”

Regina couldn’t keep her eyes off her, couldn’t keep the love out of them, or off her face as she watched her greet their son and the rest of their family, handing off Hope to Henry as she shucked her jacket. Regina felt everything in that moment, the first time she’s really had the chance to see her in a few weeks from all the work — texting here and there, sure, but sometimes it was just too hard to see her. But today, it was hard _not_ to see her amongst the many people in her life that she loves and that love her, so seeing her…oh, it was like seeing the sun peek out from behind the clouds after a rainy day…she was like a rainbow arching across the sky…filling her up with so much love.

“If we’re all here can I please continue?” Snow stage whispered, eyes glinting knowingly.

Emma offered her a guilty expression, “Sorry, mom,” she said as her eyes met Regina’s, glinting playfully, and Regina rolled hers affectionately at her before she turned back to face Snow, bowing once more.

“Well then,” Snow said just so they could hear before she straightened her shoulders, “Regina Mills,” she announced, holding the crown above her head once again as she continued, “I now crown you,” she slipped the crown on Regina’s head, Regina slowly rising back to her full height as she met Snow's glistening eyes with her own, “The Good Queen!” her face once again scrunching up with that painful face-splitting smile, looking like she was seconds away from sobbing or she was fighting off the pain, as if Regina kicked her in the shin but within those tear-filled crinkled eyes there was pride, love… “Long may she reign!” Snow finished, looking at her like a proud mother on their kid's graduation day as all their…no, her, subjects applauded and cheered, Zelena louder and more obnoxious than the rest.

Regina moved in to hug the two Charming’s but they stopped her, bowing instead as they looked at her with their expressions of pride and love. Charming led Regina down from the dais and right into the arms of Ry, where she pulled him into a tight hug as he whispered how proud he was of her in her ear, and she shared a loving smile with him as she moved to hug Lucy, Ella, and then stopped in front of Henry, Hope cradled in his arms. She leaned forward, kissing his cheek before she looked down at the baby for the first time.

“Hi,” she cooed, running her thumb over her small hand…there was something about her…but well she supposes it was just the fact that she was Emma’s. Emma, who took her attention next, their eyes sparkling as they locked, quiet conversation passing between them before Emma greeted her with a teasing glint in her eyes.

“Madam Mayor.”

Regina smiled brightly, accepting the hug Emma offered…the second between them…although this time it felt more right, it felt safe, like coming home, her eyes drooping shut for a second as she took a deep breath, revelling in the moment before she pulled back to meet Emma’s eyes once again.

“So this is it. Your happy ending, huh?”

Regina’s eyes glinted happily at her. “Mm, no, Miss Swan, not even close… This isn’t an ending; I hate endings, because your story’s done. And everyone here...” Regina looked around the room, glancing at the many faces around them before she looked back at Emma as she continued. “Well, their stories are far from over.”

“Well, a happy beginning then,” Emma offered, head tilting in confusion when Regina shook her head again.

“I like to call it…” Regina pursed her lips thoughtfully, rocking on her feet slightly before she leaned in closer to Emma, eyes playful, that knowing smile of hers taking over the previously cheerful one. “A second chance…”

“Yeah?”

Regina’s eyes dropped for a second then she looked around, gazing into Emma’s eyes after a moment, communicating everything she could as she husked, “Yes.”

She stepped away to return to the dais and make a speech, Emma’s eyes were glistening with love and never leaving Regina the whole time, until she finished, with one statement that meant more than Regina even knew. “With Hope,” she stated, nodding to the baby in Henry’s arms, Emma looking down at her daughter with brown speckled eyes and tanned complexion, eyes filling with tears as she looked back up, meeting Regina’s instantly, and she knew in that moment that they would get through this, they’d be okay, and maybe…just maybe they’d be a real family… _together._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment I'm smol and sad and need validation...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF PAST RAPE AND ABUSE
> 
>  
> 
> Okay! Here is chapter 2! Thank you to Zelene for helping edit! YOU ROCK!

Things were getting better, that’s true, she wasn’t lying when people asked her how she was…but she also didn’t tell them that still most nights she woke up from a nightmare that was just an over exaggerated retelling of her past —which was hard to pull off considering just how dramatic the queen was.

She also didn’t tell them that she’s been suffering from near-crippling flashbacks…most featuring the king, others about her mother, and those were just the ones that stood out to her, that caused her heart to race and sweat to coat her forehead and lower back.

She wasn’t scared…not really, they’re both dead after all, but in those moments when she remembers how it had felt to have his hands wrapped around her throat and his full weight on top of her…when she can smell him around her…she forgets he’s dead, that he won’t crawl into her bed later that night…or that he didn’t just crawl out of it. And it was nearly impossible to shake off the burning feeling of Mother’s magic, forgetting what it’s like to fight for air.

It was hard not to lash out at people, not to dismiss people again, not to curl up and hide from responsibilities…expectations…so she told Henry she was fine, she shook off Zelena when she rushed into her room upon hearing her screaming from a nightmare…telling her it was just something she had done, not something that had been done to her…she doesn’t want sympathy, she just wants them to go away, the memories to be distant again…she’s sometimes tempted to hunt Drizella down and choke the life out of her for having done this to her, but she was as fucked up as Regina had once been, so instead she focuses all her attention on work, that had always worked for her.

 

* * *

 

She should have known better than to think she was off the hook when she hadn’t had a nightmare or flashback all week. Should have known better than to think about that fact…and yet, in the middle of a public affairs meeting she felt the dreadful quick beating of her heart. Her finger tapping against the wooden table as she tried very hard to not let her mind run off, not to let it latch onto the one thing said, not let that little flash of memory take over her mind, her body, but before she knew it she was lost in the memory, lost in the scrapping feeling of the pirate’s hook dragging over her chest and neck as he strapped her to the table in the old cannery, as the putrid smell of that place invaded her nostrils, the smell of metal, sea water, fish…of her own skin burning. Her skin prickled and burnt, it felt like she was being shocked again, her heart beating so fast it’s all she can hear, the erratic thumping in her own ears.

She could hear his words, twisted, shallow, murky…distant while at the same time sounding like they were right in her ear, hot breath travelling down her neck, sweat coating her frail body, she could smell it…the fear, the anger, she could hear her own taunting words, could remember her thoughts at that moment, thoughts of Henry, of how he’d probably be better off without her, of his first steps, his first word; _mama_ , the first time he told her he loved her, the first time she held him in her arms, his little fist gripping onto her finger. She remembered fighting tears, thinking about how nobody would miss her, that she deserved it…she can feel every emotion wrapping around her again, cutting off her airway…she can remember seeing the light getting closer, prepared to die, just making out Daddy’s shadow and then…

“Regina?”

Regina startled, looking at the worried eyes of Snow, slowly registering her own hand against her chest, where the pirate had touched her, the scraping of his hook still burning against her skin, almost as if it had just happened, her brain flashing the memory of Hook choking the life out of her, of watching him hold his hook to the throat of her other half…prepared to kill her and the Queen in front of their son. She closed her eyes to try and stop the inflow of images, memories that were trying to take a hold of her.

“Are you okay?” Snow whispered and she opened her eyes, blinking a couple of times as she registered she got lost in her mind again.

“I-I just need a moment. Let’s break for 10?”

The people around the table nodded, Regina standing regally from her chair and moving as quickly as she could to the door, feeling like someone was sitting on her chest, keeping the air from getting to her lungs.

“Your majesty! Wait up! I need to talk to you!”

“Not right now, you can address me when we continue.”

“I need to talk now!”

Regina’s mind was so clouded it was too late for her when she finally registered who the voice belonged to, the realization slamming into her like a semi when a hand wrapped around her arm, grabbed, pulled.

She felt fear and anger shoot through her instantaneously, images slamming into her mind faster than she could even fully process them, only thing she could feel was the hand wrapped around her arm, the steel scraping across her skin, that same hand magically wrapped around her throat, choking the life out of her. Remembered how he had strapped her to that table to be tortured, left her behind to die. “Don’t fucking touch me.” Regina snarled up at him, yanking her arm out of the pirate’s grasp, “Don’t you ever lay a hand on me again.” Her eyes were dark, dangerous, but her heart, her heart had damn near stopped, or maybe it was just beating so fast it was more like a hum under her ribs than an actual beating.

Hook looked at her with shocked eyes, like he couldn’t understand why she would be angry, why she was glaring up at him, why her hands were in fists at her sides like she was going to punch him…oblivious to the fact they were in fists to hide the trembling, the stinging of her nails in her palm the only thing grounding her. “What is your problem?”

Regina let out a bitter scoff, “What is wrong with me? Me? You led me to my torture, to my death, you dragged that hook over my chest after you strapped me to a table! I may have been evil but you, you’ll always be a no good _pirate_.”

“What is that supposed to mean?!”

“It means you take what isn’t yours! Steal precious things from people you have no right to! You break in and leave people feeling violated! You’re scum of the earth, not worth being the dirt on the bottom of my shoes. You’re literally the worst thing in existence, pirate. You rape, you pillage, you waltz in, destroy everything safe to a person, steal away people's innocence then you set sail to the next town to do the same thing without a care in the world!”

“So this is about, Emma? I never made her do anything, your majesty, she picked me over you.”

“Not everything is about Emma!” Regina set her jaw, shaking her head, “You stay away from me, you stay away from my sons, my family, if I see you even within spitting distance of them, of my granddaughter I _will._ _Kill._ you.”

“I thought you were redeemed? The good queen now.” He smirked his twisted smile, looking like he had won something.

Regina stepped up into his face, eyes flashing purple for a second, flames tickling at her fingertips, “I dare you to test me, pirate, gods please, try something and see how it ends, I’d give up my thrown to protect them from you. Emma included.”

“She’s my wife, mother of my child.”

“ _Ex_ -wife, do remember that, dear.” Regina smirked proudly at him, “And if I find out you did anything to hurt her, don’t think I’ll hesitate to choke the life out of you like you tried to do to me.”

“I was the dark one.”

“Stop blaming everything else for your actions, the darkness magnifies your true self it doesn’t make you do things, it just gives you the power to do the things you always wished to do.”

“Doesn’t that make your true self a murderer then?”

Regina’s smile was twisted then, meeting his eyes like she wasn’t trembling inside, “Yes, it magnified my urge to never feel weak again. It protected me from men like you.” She spat, lip curled up in disgust, like his presence repulsed her.

“Now who’s making excuses, your majesty?”

Regina rolled her eyes, stepping away from him, “I owe you nothing, no explanation for why I did what I did, I’m not making excuses, I’ve paid and been redeemed for the atrocities I did, I live with those memories every day, haunted by them…I do not take lightly the things I have done, the people I’ve hurt, killed…I’m not twisted enough to believe I wasn’t at fault for my actions, that I didn’t make those choices, because I did, I chose to do those things, I chose to murder thousands and I’ve paid for it every day since then, I’ve tried to make amends, fix what I’ve broken. While you, like every other pretty white boy get to just ignore the fact you killed and hurt hundreds! Everyone forgives you. You don’t take responsibility because your whole life your bad deeds have been glossed over but not anymore, you don’t get to pretend you didn’t have a hand in my kidnapping, my torture, in the kidnapping of my son, in the planning of the death of my son and everyone I love. It’s time you own your actions, Hook, because I refuse to pretend to tolerate your existence in my life anymore.” And with that she turned on her heel, storming out of the room, ignoring his calls after her.

“Hey! I’m not done talking to you!”

She waved her hand, slamming the large double doors in his face and just _hoping_ they bashed him in the face, perhaps breaking his nose if she were lucky.

 

* * *

 

She walked as quickly and calmly as she could to the nearest room, slamming the door behind her and pressing her hands against it, keeping her standing as her breathing grew shallow, finally allowed to process the memories. She leaned her forehead against the door, hands curling into fists before she punched it, a nearly animalistic sob falling from her lips, sounding more like a scream than anything else. She squeezed her eyes closed, trying to get away from the images bombarding her brain, from the phantom hands over her body, memories from long ago and yet it felt so present, so new.

She pushed from the door reaching behind her to claw at her gown, trying helplessly to loosen the corset from around her body to help her breathe, because she was sure air wasn’t getting to her lungs anymore, all she could feel was that hand tightening around her neck, her own voice begging in her ears.

The clearing of a throat made her jump, spinning to face the sound, eyes looking wildly around the room until they landed on the very awkward figure in the corner. Regina’s eyes jumping around, searching, “I didn’t know what to do when you came in, I didn’t want to scare you but uh then you tried to undress and…”

“What are you doing in here, Miss Swan?!” Regina barked, looking so small.

“Erm, well I was pumping…breast milk…” She pointed to the table, Regina’s eyes followed her finger to land on the bottles of breast milk on the table next to her and the pump by her feet. “I just finished when you…well…” She trailed off, rubbing the back of her neck as she took in Regina, studying her, “Are you okay?”

Regina debated on lying, on saying she was and just poofing away but instead, three very frail sounding words left her mouth. “I can’t breathe…”

Emma’s eyes widened, took in the very quick breaths, “okay, what do you need?”

“I need this da-damn dress off!”

“Okay…” Emma stood, walking closely with her hands held out so Regina could see them, “Okay,” Emma smiled that little awkward smile of hers, making Regina remember the day they met and not meaty hands grabbing at her body, “Turn around.” Regina nodded, her breathing shaky, quick, pretty sure she was barely getting any oxygen into her, and certain she might pass out any minute now. “We should be happy I’ve gotten practise with corsets…a few years ago I’d probably have to cut it off you.”

Regina let out a small shaky laugh, her dress sliding down her shoulders, loose around her and then after a few more moments she felt the loosening of her corset, sucking in a shaky breath, “Tha-thank you.”

Emma rested her hand between Regina’s shoulder blades, her fingertips resting soothingly against her bare skin above the corset. “You okay?”

Regina shook her head, letting her eyes drop down as tears fell down her cheeks. Emma placed her other hand on Regina’s hip, not gripping, just there, stabilizing her, reminding her that she’s there and not alone. Regina leaned into the hand on her back, letting herself be supported, slowly her mind filled with memories of Emma…good ones…not the ones featuring the pirate.

“Can I hold you?” Regina nodded, a sob escaping her mouth when Emma wrapped her arms around Regina’s waist, hugging her from behind, Emma’s chin resting on her shoulder. “Breathe, you’re safe, nobody is going to hurt you.”

“T-tell me a s-story.”

“Did I ever tell you about the time in New York when Henry tried to ask his crush out to the school dance?”

Regina shook her head, body pressed into Emma, her hands moving to grip onto Emma’s resting against her middle, focusing less on the actual words of the story and more the feel of Emma wrapped around her, safety seeping into her body as each moment passed.

After a bit she turned around in Emma’s arms, wrapping hers around Emma’s neck and burrowing her face in it, breathing in her scent while Emma hugged her closer, threaded her fingers into Regina’s hair, her other hand running along the bare skin on her back. Regina wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, Emma telling her everything and anything, even going as far as listing off things she needs to get from the grocery store later or complaining about things Hope did until she was calmed down.

Regina was too weak to pull away though, she couldn’t make herself let go of her, to leave the safety of her arms…she was both physically and mentally too weak to leave Emma’s embrace.

Emma let out a long sigh, “Okay,” she nodded against Regina’s shoulder before she started lowering them to the ground, Regina’s grasp tightening around her but still followed until Regina was curled into her side on the wooden floors, Emma combing her hand through Regina’s hair, completely ruining the up-do she had, taking the bobby pins out and dropping them to the floor while her other hand moved to tangle her fingers with Regina’s, holding them over her stomach. “This happens often?”

“Cuddling with the mother of my child on the floor of a random room in my palace?”

Emma rolled her eyes, “Panic attacks. You’re not deflecting.”

Regina sighed, looking up at Emma, “Here and there…it’s getting better…” She shifted her head back to where it was, closing her eyes as she said, “Since I got my memories back I’ve been reliving certain parts of my life and it’s just…”

“You mentioned that…”

“Yes…I can handle the nightmares, I’ve gotten them for decades it’s the flashbacks that are hard, they seem so real, everything is just so fresh in my memory now.”

“What caused it today?”

Regina shrugged, looking down at Emma’s hand in hers, fiddling with her fingers as she whispered, “the pirate.”

“Killian?”

Regina’s body stiffened in her hold, “Yes, and then he grabbed m–”

“He did what?!” Emma jostled her trying to sit up, Regina’s hand moving up to press on her chest to stop her, pushing her back down, “Sorry…”

“We got in an argument…I threatened to kill him, may have hit him with doors, trust me, dear, he’s long gone, probably slinked away with his tail between his legs to the nearest pub to drown his miseries and show off just how much he hasn’t changed.”

Emma nodded, “What flashback did Hook start?” Regina bit her lip, contemplating on whether she should finally tell her or not… “Don’t even think about lying, Regina.”

Regina’s lips twitched with a smile, “when Gregg kidnapped and tortured me…” Regina let out a long sigh, “He was the one who helped them, he tied me to the table.” This time it was Emma who stiffened against her, hand stilling in her hair, “And when he was the dark one he choked me.”

Emma’s jaw clenched, Regina moving her hand to Emma’s again, slowly linking their fingers again, feeling Emma slowly relax under her, “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“At first I was so busy worrying about the trigger and then Henry, I didn’t much think about myself and then you and he had started something…” Regina laughed slightly, “Then you were gone for a year and when you returned with him I just…it’d been so long at that point, there was no reason to tell you, I cared more about you being happy so I just buried it all and just played nice to make you and everyone else happy.”

“And him choking you?”

“He had just died and returned from the dead, Robin was dead, I worried you’d think I was being petty, trying to ruin your happy ending.” Emma shook her head, a disbelieving laugh breaking free. “What?”

Emma looked down, Regina shifting to meet her eyes, “Don’t you know?” Regina shook her head, “Hook was never my happy ending.”

Regina’s mouth dropped open in shock, staring into her eyes, searching her expression, “Em–” her words were cut off by knocking, both their attention turning to the door in front of them.

“Regina?! You in there?!”

They both shot up at once when Snow’s voice met their ears, “Fuck…” Regina whispered and Emma snorted, Regina shoving her playfully, “Sure, keep laughing, Miss Swan but you won’t be when she comes here to see me in disarray, looking like we just–”

“Okay, I get it,” Emma cut her off, looking at the door as Snow called through it again, “Just magic yourself all put together,” She hissed, looking at the door as the handle started turning, purple smoke flaring up next to her and dissipating just as Snow walked through the door, Regina standing next to her looking perfectly and Emma…sprawled out on the floor…

“Emma?”

“Hey mom!” Emma smiled widely, standing up, “I dropped erm, my bobby pin!” She exclaimed reaching down and picking one up from the floor, looking at Regina as she bit her cheek to keep from laughing.

“Right…” Snow said, looking between the two, “I adjourned the meeting for today when you both and Killian failed to return…I told them an emergency came up…so I suggest making yourselves scarce.”

Regina nodded, “Thank you, dear, sorry about that but you see, Emma here was just having some separation anxiety about leaving her poor sweet baby with a sitter…you know, hormones.”

Emma’s head shot over to her, glaring dangerously.

“Oh, sweetie! Well, that’s okay, I was the same way when I returned back to work after having Neal!” Snow looked around like someone was eavesdropping, leaning in towards them, “I once sobbed in the janitor's closet at the school while stuffing my face with chocolate.”

“Oh, mom…” Emma said, looking at Regina as she got that little glint in her eyes, just the slightest bit of her former self rejoicing at this little embarrassing tidbit about her former enemy.

“Yes, well, you two poof away, go spend time with Hope and the boys!”

“Gladly,” Regina smirked, waving her arms and taking them to Granny’s before Emma could even utter a goodbye, changing herself out of her ball gown and Emma out of her very princely dress attire into her skinny jeans and red leather jacket. “Lunch?”

“Always.” Emma grinned, “You order, I’m gonna get Hope from Ruby…I really do miss her.”

Regina smiled that soft loving smile at her again as she rushed into the diner, Emma’s words from earlier replaying in her mind once more.

 

* * *

 

“Grams!”

“Lucy…” Regina sighed in fake annoyance knowing full well the little smirk curling her lips as she stared down at the paperwork ratted out how she really felt about the name.

Lucy giggled, running across the office and around Regina’s desk to hug her, a loving laugh leaving Regina’s mouth as she pried her arm from under Lucy and hugged her tight into her side, kissing the side of her head.

“What are you doing here, princess?”

“We came to take you to lunch,” she looked up when she heard the other voice, her smile stretching even wider as she saw Henry standing in the doorway of her office, her eyes getting misty all of a sudden. “Mom? What’s wrong?” Henry took an urgent step forward, ready to come to her rescue but Regina waved him off passively, brushing a tear from under her eye as she clarified.

“It’s nothing, baby, I just remembered when you were so small you couldn’t even reach the door handle and now…” Regina pouted, eyes filled with love for her little prince, awestruck by the daily reminder that he was all grown up, “And now  look at you, a baby of your own, and taller than your own mother.”

Lucy looked up at Regina with her big brown eyes, batting her eyelashes, “You still have me, Grams.”

Regina’s face scrunched up in affection, shaking her head at the smart ass little girl, “That I do,” finishing by bopping Lucy playfully on the nose.

“So? Granny’s?”

“Why not, I mean it’s not like I ate there for 38 years already…”

“But I hadn’t been in 20, mom!”

Regina laughed, nudging Lucy away and pushing her chair back from her desk so she could collect her purse from the bottom drawer in her desk, patting Henry’s cheek affectionately when she got near. “You decided to trapes around realms instead of going to college here, that’s on you, my dear.”

“Oh don’t complain! If I didn’t go we wouldn’t have Lucy and you wouldn’t be the queen of all the realms.”

Regina let out a long annoyed sigh, draping her arm over Lucy’s shoulder and dipping her head to stage-whisper, “He’s as easy to rile up as his grandparents.”

Henry rolled his eyes, rushing after them down the hallway as Regina’s office door shut and locked right behind him.

 

* * *

 

“So you and Ma…”

Regina looked up at him from over the rim of her mug of tea, glancing at Lucy talking to Ruby at the counter, “What about your mother and I?” She asked, placing the mug back on the saucer, pushing it away to thread her fingers together on the table, leaning closer to Henry, the look on her face that she used to give him when he was a teen asking similar things.

“You’re spending more time together…Ruby said you had lunch the other week…and Grandma…”

Regina let out an irritated laugh, sitting back in the booth, her hands falling to her lap, “That woman can’t keep a secret if her life depended on it…” Henry smirked and Regina glared, already hearing his comeback before he said it, threateningly pointing her finger at him, “Don’t even think about it, young man. I am still your mother.”

“Well, she just said you two disappeared together for a few hours and when she found you two you looked flustered and Emma was on the floor and then you just whisked Ma off for lunch?”

“I didn’t whisk her off anywhere…I simply took her to see her daughter and we shared a meal, that is all.” She waved it off again, pulling the mug closer to her and taking a sip.

“Just…be careful…I don’t wanna see you hurt again…”

Regina locked eyes with him, her façade slipping away for a moment, “I’m sorry, that you’ve had to see me…so,” She pursed her lips, clutching the mug in both her hands as she stared down at it, willing the tears to go away, “Broken lately but–”

“Mom, I don’t think you’re broken…and I want to help, no matter what…you’ve always been my rock, always looked out for me…I wanna repay you for all of that.”

Regina met his eyes, placing her mug on the table as she reached out to take both his hands, pulling them towards her, squeezing them, “I am your mother, Henry, you don’t have to repay me for anything. That’s what love is, doing everything without ever expecting anything in return.”

Henry squeezed her hands, so small compared to his and sometimes it just threw his world on its axis…because growing up she had always been larger than life, could battle anything from gods to his soccer coach…she always protected him, loved him more than he ever understood until he held Lucy in his arms for the first time, suddenly understanding what it felt like to dread having to one day let go and watch them go out on their own, watch them get hurt and…she was always so strong…and now, he looks at her and he understands that she’s just a woman, a woman who was hurt, twisted up, and bruised, who fought against all odds and…she was so small… “I am your son, it’s my job to love you and make sure you’re okay and take care of you when you’re old and decrepit…although I’m starting to doubt you actually age…”

Regina smiled tearfully at him, bringing his hands to her lips and kissing them, “How did I manage to raise such an amazing man?”

“Because you are an amazing mother and I was so lucky to have you…” Regina shook her head at him, her eyes taking in his grown features, searching every inch of his face for the little boy he once was, finding it in the sparkle of his eyes and the goofy lopsided smile just like his mother’s.

“I love you, so much, Henry, thank you for looking out for me but really, I am okay.”

Henry squeezed her hands one more time before slipping his out from hers, leaning back in the booth to look at Lucy, “Sometimes I look at her and wonder how you survived all the s-stuff I did as a kid…I was so horrible to you sometimes…I find myself crying at night thinking about how I almost lost her and then I remember how you almost lost me multiple times…how I ran away from you so many times and my heart squeezes so tightly in my chest just thinking about what you must have felt when I ran away to find Ma…when I got trapped in the mine…when I died…” He met her tear-filled eyes with his own, “I think about how I felt when Lucy was in that coma…I didn’t even know she was mine at the time but I was so scared and felt so helpless…and when Rumplestiltskin locked up her and Ella…I can’t breathe from the fear of ever feeling like that again and you…I’m so sorry for making you ever feel like that, mama…I’m so sorry for the things I said…for making you feel like your world was ending over and over again…”

Henry fell silent when Regina suddenly stood from the booth, slipping in next to him, fingers gripping on his chin to make him meet her eyes, smiling at him…smiling like he was her world, “You were a child, you were hurting…and the other things…they weren’t your fault, Henry…I wasn’t a perfect mom and you weren’t perfect all the time either but nothing you ever did could make me stop loving you because even if you were a bit of a brat…” Regina teased affectionately, humour twinkling in her eyes which was soon mirrored back by Henry. “You were my perfectly imperfect little brat…my little prince. I love you with my whole heart, Henry, you don’t have to apologize for what you did as a kid because I forgave you instantly.”

“I’m still so sorry, mama…”

Regina cupped his cheeks, wiping away his tears as she pressed her forehead to his, “You’re always forgiven, my love.”

Henry sniffled, pulling her into a tight hug and burrowing his head into her neck, Regina’s hand moving to cup the back of his head like she’s done since he was a baby. “I love you…”

“I love you too, baby.”

“Daddy? Grama?” Lucy’s small voice reached their ears and Henry looked up over Regina’s shoulder to look at her worried little face, “Are you okay?”

Regina pulled away from him, blinding smile spreading across her face as she twisted in the booth, sitting back on her calves as she reached out toward her, pulling her into a comforting hug, “Yes, sweets, everything is okay.”

Henry reached out to comb Lucy’s hair behind her ear, smiling down at her, “Grandma and I were just talking.”

“Did you tell Grams you aren’t having another baby?”

“What?!” Regina’s head snapped around to look at him again, frown prominent as she asked, “Why not?”

“Lucy…” Lucy grimaced, trying to make a break for it but Regina was still holding her tightly to her chest.

“Grams…”

“There’s no more crisis…now’s a perfect time for another baby…” Regina’s lower lip actually wobbled, “I miss holding babies…the smell of their heads after bath time…the cute little feet and hands and the clothes…”

“Ella and I just like how it is with the three of us…”

“Oh…”

“You can hang out with Hope! I’m sure Emma needs all the help, she’s new to this baby thing and you’ve raised and help raised three so far.”

“Four if you count, Neal…because we all know Snow was absolutely helpless with a baby…Emma should be happy I cast the curse…those idiots probably would’ve killed her in a week.”

Henry smiled brightly at her, Lucy accepting her fate, “See, that’s the spirit.”

Regina huffed, “You sound like your mother.”

“You going to be okay, mom?”

“Yes, I still have Lucy, Isn’t that right, Princess?”

“Yeah…but could you let me breathe?” Lucy’s muffled reply made both the adults laugh, Regina letting go of her and cupping her cheeks in her hands.

“I guess you couldn’t get any more perfect than this one…”

“Nope, it’d just be rude to bring another child into the picture.”

“You guys are weird,” Lucy muttered and Regina leaned forward, kissing her forehead with a pop.

“I need to get back to the office, my loves, kingdom won’t run itself, y’know…just ask Snow.”

Henry laughed, “You’ve missed placing digs at her over the years haven’t you?”

“So much,” Regina smiled mischievously at him, placing a kiss to his cheek before slipping out of the booth, looking down at them, “How does my makeup look?”

“Perfect, mom.”

Regina nodded, running her hand over Lucy’s head as she walked around her to get her purse from the other booth, “I will see you for Sunday dinner, yes?”

“Of course…and uh…mom, I was thinking, if it was okay with you…” Regina arched her brow at him, “that we could invite Ma…”

“Sure, darling, it would be good for her to get to spend time with you.”

“Us,”

“Us.” Regina corrected with a roll of her eyes and a playful quirk of her lips.

“Bye, Grandma.”

“Goodbye, princess,” Regina tipped Lucy’s chin up with the tips of her fingers, smiling down at her, “I love you,” placing another kiss to her forehead before she rushed out of the diner, waving goodbye to Henry.

“Do you have another operation, Papa?”

Henry squinted at her, leaning in closely, “Not so loudly, Luce,” He looked around the diner, “I’ll fill you in when we get home.”

Lucy nodded, smiling conspiratorially up at him, burrowing into his side when he wrapped his arm around her as he led them out of the diner.

 

* * *

 

Zelena looked down at the bag of vegetables Regina just put in the cart, “I can’t believe you agreed to this…”

“What? Emma used to come to Sunday dinners all the time before–”

“She married the pirate, led you on for years and then left you in a different realm to go play house?”

Regina sighed, falling into step with Zelena as they moved to look at the potatoes, “I’m trying to move past all of that, I just want everything to be normal again.”

“Nothing was ever normal between you two.”

Regina sighed, lifting the large bag of potatoes up, “Normal enough, Zel…I just…I want to be happy.” She shook her head, carefully placing the potatoes in the cart.

“I just don’t want to see you getting hurt…I’ve turned over a new leaf but don’t you think I won’t roast some swan if she hurts you again.”

Robin giggled and Regina deflated as she looked at her cheerful little face, “Fine…but please refrain from hurting Miss Swan…Henry would be very upset.”

Zelena cackled, “I doubt that,” she mumbled, stepping away from the cart to pick up a green apple, examining it as she continued, “I had to hold Henry back from tearing her a new one after the incident at the diner after we got back…”

“Really?” Regina looked almost heartbroken by that fact.

“You’re his mom, Regina. And well, Emma left you both so I think he’s just got some twisted up emotions going on in there.”

“I know…” Regina picked up three onions, putting them in a bag and dropping them in the cart. “I’m going to go grab some things from the dairy aisle. Can you get the rest of what I need from here?”

“Sure thing, sis.”

 

* * *

 

Regina was in the dairy section, digging a block of cheese from the back of the shelf when her phone started ringing, not wanting to lose the cheese if she looked away from it she dug blindly for her phone, answering it, and assuming it was Zelena calling to ask how she knew if it was a zucchini or cucumber again she rushed, “It fucking says on the sign, can you not read? Is that it? Jesus Zel, if it doesn’t look like the thing that that stupid celebrity from that magazine is telling you to stuff up your–” laughter cut her off suddenly, “This isn’t funny, Zelena, I’m just trying to get you your stupid garlic cheese you love so much I–”

“Regina…” She froze when she heard the laughter-filled voice reach her ears, the cheese falling from her grasp making her cuss quietly, “I forgot how you get when you’re at the grocery store.”

Regina sighed, dropping her head against the cool metal shelf as she stared at the block of cheese at the back, “What do you want, Miss Swan, I’m rather busy shopping for dinner tomorrow.”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m calling…” Dread hit Regina square in the stomach, preparing herself to hear Emma say she can no longer make it…preparing the words in her head so she didn’t sound like she was too crushed when Emma ultimately obliterated her hopes once again… “I just want to make sure you’re okay with this…”

“What?” Regina snapped up straight, eyes widening.

“Well I know we’re like better but erm I just want to make sure you’re okay with Hope and I coming over…I know it’s your family time and all and I don’t want to intrude or make you feel uncomfortable…”

Regina let out a slightly dark laugh, “Well, that’d be a first for you…you’ve never cared about intruding before…”

“I–” Emma sighed, “Right, I’ll stay home then.”

“No!” Regina exclaimed, the cheese flying off the shelf and hitting her in the chest making her cough loudly, “For fuck sakes, now is not the time for this…” She cursed at herself, picking the cheese off the pile of grated cheese it landed on.

“Oh…alright I can just…call you back–”

“No…Emma,” Regina sighed, gesturing wildly with the cheese, “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to my magic…and cheese.”

“Oh…”

Regina shook her head, letting out a long sigh as she looked around the aisle, smiling crookedly at Miss Schuester, waving at her with the block of cheese in her hand, “You’re more than welcome, Emma…Henry wants you there and so does Lucy…”

“What about you? Do you want me there?”

Regina bit her cheek, looking around again, voice low as she answered, “Yes, Emma, I’d like you there…just like old times.” Her lips quirked in a smirk as she remembered the old times, remembered how handsy Emma got when drunk…so much more affectionate.

“I mean…not just like old times…I won’t be getting drunk and passing out on your couch and waking up with a wicked hangover the next morning and to you making pancakes in the kitchen in your fuzzy robe and slippers and messy hair…”

“Emma…”

“I miss that…”

“Me in my robe and slippers?”

“Yeah, but mostly the pancakes,” Regina choked on the laugh that tried to force its way out looking around her in paranoia. “I’ll talk to you later, Regina, and I’ll see you tomorrow…”

“Yes, I will see you then, Miss Swan…”

“Bye…” Emma said shyly, Regina bit her bottom lip to stop herself from saying anything else before Emma hung up, letting out a long sigh a few seconds later when she thought Emma hung up, pulling the phone from her face as she heard a small shy voice say, “Are you still there?”

“Yeah…” Regina breathed, folding her arm across her middle protectively.

“About last week…”

“What about it?”

Emma sighed through the phone, “I uh…can I stay late on Sunday or come by early so we can like…talk about stuff…”

“Stuff?” Regina asked, her heart slamming wildly against her ribcage.

“Yeah…just…stuff…”

“Okay…”

“Regina the toddler is crashing, _lets. Go!_ ” Zelena called as she barrelled toward her, Robin whimpering in the seat of the cart.

“Zelena?” Emma’s voice reached her ears.

Regina nodded before she remembered Emma couldn’t actually see her, whispering, “Yes,” as Zelena got closer, “I need to go, my darling, I’ll see you tomorrow.” And with that she hung up, barely hearing the small gasp from Emma as she ended the call, her eyes as wide as saucers as she realized her slip up. “Fuck.”

“Language, young ears.”

Regina rolled her eyes, dropping the cheese in the cart then stepping away to grab a jug of milk, muttering, “You say worse around her,” As she dug one from the back so it’s fresher.

“You have a…” Zelena squinted her eyes, “Impression of the shelf? On your forehead…”

“Fuck…”

Zelena arched a brow, “Only one person can make you this flustered…”

“She just wanted to make sure I was okay with her coming to dinner.”

“This is worse than the time you had an impression of part of the little girl sign from the washroom on your forehead…”

“It is not!”

“It is, at least that was because you got so distracted by her arms you walked into the door…she’s not even here this time.”

Regina pouted, putting the jug of milk in the cart and picking up Robin, “You pay, I’m taking Robin home.”

“Regina don’t you–” Zelena sighed as the plume of purple smoke took Regina away, “Well jokes on her, I’m using her credit card to buy all the junk food…” Zelena looked down in the cart, grabbing the cheese to inspect it, “She grabbed the wrong damn cheese…” tossing it on the shelf and grabbing the correct cheese from the back of the shelf, tossing it in the cart as she walked away, shaking her head at the mess her sister becomes when Emma Swan is around.

 

* * *

 

The dinner was pleasant, not awkward but not exactly easy or like it used to be but maybe that’s because it’s not like old times, it’s not just her, Emma, and Henry anymore…now it’s Henry and his family, Zelena and Robin, Ry, and Hope…it was a group of people still getting to know each other, still learning how they fit together.  But it was good…Hope babbled in her playpen playing with her toys, Ry talked about what it’s like working with Emma and school…Lucy talked about school too, got to know Emma a bit better but Emma still looked at every one of them with sad guilty eyes, and Regina mostly focused on Emma, on how much not being there for them -to see Lucy grow up- was getting to her. But, hey! Zelena only made a few innuendoes here and there so…at least there was that!

“You sure you don’t need a ride, Ma?” Henry asked for the 4th time from where he stood in the foyer, holding the two bags of leftovers while Ella helped Lucy get her coat.

“Yeah, kid, your mom and I got some things we wanna discuss.”

“Alright,” Henry looked at Regina, silently asking her if it’s okay, Regina waving him off before leaning on the banister as she called up the stairs for Ry to get moving, the boy crashing at Henry’s since he has patrol with Margot in the morning.

“Coming!” He called, his heavy footsteps announcing his arrival, “Bye, moms!” he called, kissing them both on the cheeks and running out the door past Ella, Lucy following after him with happy giggles.

“We’ll see you Wednesday, Roni,” Jacinda smiled, taking one of the bags from Henry before heading to the car, leaving Henry to say his goodbyes.

“Bye, moms,” Henry smiled, giving them each a one-armed hug and a kiss on the cheek, “I love you.”

“We love you too,” They said at the same time, Henry smirking as they both blushed slightly.

“How cute!” Zelena called, “Robin and I are staying at the farmhouse tonight so you ladies can have your fun,” Zelena winked and Henry groaned, while Emma blushed even brighter and Regina sent Zelena her best death glare. “Tootles, ladies!”

“Bye, Auntie Regina!” Robin called, slight British accent coming through making them all wonder how older Robin didn’t get it.

Emma waved awkwardly as Regina blew a kiss at the little girl before the door slammed leaving them all alone…well all alone with an infant.

“So…?”

Regina looked at her, a soft smile on her face, “How about I make you some cocoa, dear? Since you can’t drink.”

“Yes, please!” Regina nodded, moving toward the kitchen, “I’m going to go erm feed Hope.”

“Alright.” Regina smiled over her shoulder as Emma moved into the sitting room where Hope was still heard playing with a toy Henry had bought for her.

 

* * *

 

Regina stopped just in the kitchen, letting out a long sigh, contemplating all her life choices that got her to this very moment where she was alone in her house with the woman she loves and the woman’s infant daughter with a man she hates more than most and that keeps haunting her dreams. The answer was she was an evil sorceress who cursed and murdered many and this is probably one of the many ways the universe enjoys to torture her.

She shook her head to get rid of the thoughts, running her fingers through her wavy hair as she moved through the kitchen, pulling out everything she needed to make hot cocoa. It was easy enough, she could do it half asleep if needed to, especially since it was one of Henry’s favourite drinks, something she used to make him when he would wake from a nightmare or a treat after he finished his homework…after a long day in the cold…and it was just her luck that he and Emma both liked it the same way because while her mind fret over the past of how she used to make it for Snow when she got nightmares or when she was sick too…just like her own dad had done for her. How her mind wondered what Emma meant about talking…what did she want to discuss…”stuff” wasn’t really very revealing of a topic, it could be anything from sheriff budgets to love declarations and she wasn’t prepared for either…okay that was a lie she’s been able to shake off Emma’s begging to raise their budget so they could get fancy new computers or a better coffee maker for _years_ but feelings…she has never been very good at those.

“Cocoa done?” She jumped at the sound of her voice, head shooting up to see Emma standing in the doorway with little Hope in her arms playing with Emma’s necklace…she was a beautiful little thing…only thing she might have gotten from the pirate was the dark hair starting to form on her tiny little head, but she likes to pretend that’s Snow’s genetics helping it along.

“Yes, I was going to bring it to you…”

Emma smiled at her, looking down at Hope with her drowsy eyes, “Hope sleeps better when I move around with her…”

Regina looked at them again, looking at the dark bags under Emma’s eyes and remembering what it was like when Henry was just a baby…Hope at least didn’t seem to be colicky…heroes always get it easier… “I’ll take her, you drink your cocoa and relax…you look like hell, Emma.”

“Thanks…” Emma muttered before she looked at Regina with unsure eyes as she poured the cocoa in the mug, “You sure?” She asked while Regina was bent over in the fridge digging out a can of whipped cream.

“I am,” She rolled her eyes, focusing on the whipped cream as she sprayed it on the cocoa while she deadpanned, “I’ve had plenty of practice putting babies to sleep, I’ve been handling bedtime since before you were born, Miss Swan.”

“Right…” Emma smiled at her shyly, “Sometimes I forget that you like…knew my mom when she was young.”

“How so? You’re only in this place because I cursed this town in revenge on your mother.”

“For Daniel…”

Regina looked up at her, eyes shimmering with tears and love and heartbreak over the boy who she once called her one and only true love…her only shot at happiness... “Yes, well, I’ve since then forgiven her and moved my anger to the rightful person.”

“Zeus? Cause same,” Regina arched a brow, “He brought Hook back…he’s a god…he also granted your moms passage into heaven and I’m going to be totally honest with you, Regina,” Regina smirked, crossing her arms over her chest as her eyebrow rose a little higher, urging her rather sarcastically in that madam mayor way of hers to continue. “She was a major bitch, twisted as all hell and she deserved to at least suffer a little bit for what she put you and Zelena through…but mainly you…”

Regina shook her head, eyes falling down to the mug and pushing it toward Emma, “I don’t disagree…perhaps not burning in a pit of fire but ... maybe some minor mental torture…” she walked around the counter leaning her hip on it as she smirked playfully at Emma.

“Oh thank God you agree, I was scared I had upset you for a minute there…”

Regina shrugged, “I’ve had a lot to think about since everything came back to me…she was very manipulating and cruel to me growing up.” She pushed off the counter after a few moments, holding out her arms toward Emma, “Now give me the baby and drink your cocoa.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Emma sassed, passing over Hope as Regina rolled her eyes playfully.

“Hello, little one, what do you say we go take a stroll around the backyard, your brother loved that when he was little.” Regina cooed as she settled Hope in her arms, walking out of the kitchen, Hope’s speckled eyes staring up at her while her small hand reached out to grab on the collar of her shirt, Emma watching after them with adoring eyes. “Did your mama ever tell you about the time she fought the big mean Pongo for her ham sandwich from Granny’s?”

Hope cooed at her again and Regina’s mischievous smirk softened a little bit, “Regina…” Emma warned as she followed after them, stopping when she caught sight of the way Regina was looking down at Hope, the infant's head resting over her heart while Regina’s thumb caressed the back of her head, “Oh…” Emma breathed when Regina looked up at her, brown eyes curious and shimmering in the fairy lights on the porch Emma put up years ago, her brow raising slightly.

“What?” Regina asked, looking back at Hope as she swayed back and forth, a slight bounce to her movements…like she didn’t even have to think about it, second nature after Henry…she looked so comfortable, at peace in that moment.

“You just…you’re a natural…”

Regina’s lips curled up in a smile, a content sigh leaving her mouth as she rested her cheek against the top of Hope’s head, “I’ve missed holding a baby…it’s been about 10 years since I held one last…”

“She likes you…”

Regina huffed, “Of course she does. I don’t have a panic attack every time I pick her up.”

“Hey! That was just with Neal! I was worried I’d drop him and my parents would disown me for caving their replacement baby’s head in!”

Regina rolled her eyes, “Your parents think the sun shines out of your ass, Swan, you literally killed someone and they didn’t bat an eye.”

Emma shrugged, looking at Hope, her eyes closed as her little hand slipped under Regina’s shirt to rest over her breast, seeking all the warmth she could get. Emma’s smile was breathtaking as she took it all in, her eyes shimmering as she looked shyly up at Regina, “I think it’s just cause she’s a Swan.”

“Hmm?” Regina’s eyes raised to look back at Emma.

“You kinda have a way with us…first Henry, then me, then Ry…who from what I heard was trying to kill you when you somehow elicited his love and respect which…like mother like son,” Regina rolled her eyes at her as Emma smirked proudly, “And now, Hope…all my kids love you…and that just feels…it feels right.”

“Em-ma…”

“Yeah?” Emma looked at her with hopeful eyes.

“It actually started with your mother…how do you keep forgetting this?”

Emma let out a groan, drinking the last of her cocoa, “You are so frustrating.”

Regina’s eyes glinted mischievously as she looked down at Hope again, “How about I tell you about the time your mother mutilated my precious apple tree that I’d been caring for since I was just a child with my late father…the only thing I had left of him…”

“I said I was sorry…” Emma whined, Regina paying her no mind as she walked across the yard and sitting on the bench swing in the gazebo, slowly rocking them back and forth as she very softly told Hope a bedtime story…but not about how Emma ruined her apple tree, no, it was a tale Emma had never heard before, she was transfixed by the soft gravely tones of Regina’s voice as she sat next to her in the swing and listened to the story of a lonely queen and her grand search across the realms for a little boy to call her own…Emma realizing pretty quickly it must have been a story Regina told to Henry when he was young.

It wasn’t long until Hope was snoring quietly, happily drooling all over Regina’s expensive silk blouse…and…Emma’s never had her fall asleep this easily in that baby’s whole darn life. “Can you just handle bedtime from here on out? And nap time? She’s never gone down this easily ever…like if you ever wanna snuggle a baby, you are free to come by.”

Regina looked down at Hope, placing a kiss to the top of her head before looking at her little button nose and slack mouth, and that tiny cleft chin, “I’d love to…she’s so sweet.”

“With you maybe…” Emma sighed, looking up at the stars sparkling above them, “I swear to you, she hates Killian, he so much as looks at her and she flips…and I just thought maybe she wasn’t good with men, y’know, kids are weird and male voices are low and Killian wasn’t really around but then she loves my dad, squeals in delight when he’s around, actually, and she loves Henry so much…I just know she’s going to follow him and Ry around like a lost puppy when she starts walking…”

Regina smiles at Emma, a yawn stretching across her face before she mutters, “Looks like me and the little cygnet have something in common…”

“You’re such an ass.”

“Mmhmm,” Regina sighed, looking at the sky then across the yard, “We should go in…it’s getting cold…”

“Yeah…and we should put her down so we can like talk…”

“About stuff?”

“Yes, stuff,” she rolled her eyes as she stood from the bench, reaching over to hold it still so Regina could stand easier. “we just got a lot to like work through…”

Regina nodded, knowing there was no putting it off, no burying it after her blow ups at Emma and then her breakdown…Emma could really be a dog with a bone sometimes.

“How do you wanna do this?” Emma asked as they walked into the house, turning into the family room where Hope’s cot was set up.

“Warm up the blankets, place her down slowly and I’ll rub her back while you tuck her in?”

“Deal,” Emma smiled, casting a quick spell to warm the blankets to approximately Regina’s body heat, nodding to the older woman when it was ready, placing her hand on Regina’s back as she lowered Hope down to the mattress on her back, both holding their breath as Regina slowly rubbed Hope’s belly soothingly, humming quietly as she started settling, which was when Emma moved in, pulling the blanket up to her shoulders and resting her hand over Regina’s accidentally, their focus snapping to look at each other, Regina’s mouth slightly ajar and…it threw Emma off for a second because it reminded her of Hope for a second, in a weird, cute way.

“I think it’s safe…” Regina whispered, eyes searching Emma’s face wondering what that odd smile on her face meant. “Do I have something on my face?”

“N-no…it’s just…it’s nice to have someone to do this with…”

“Yes…it is, isn’t it…” Regina’s smile matched hers after a moment, Emma’s thumb running along the back of Regina’s hand from over the blanket before whispering. “We should go,”

“Yes, right…”

“So we don’t wake her…”

Emma nodded, slipping her hand from Regina’s and stepping back and letting her hand fall away from Regina’s back, just now realizing how close they had been standing.

“Want to sit in my office?”

“Yeah…sure…or we could go back outside?”

Regina smiled softly, “grab that blanket, I’m going to grab a sweatshirt.”

Emma nodded, slipping around Hope and flicking on the baby monitor before she scooped up the blanket and receiver.

Regina watched her for a few more moments before she jogged upstairs, taking off her drool covered blouse and tossing it in the laundry in her bathroom before she moved into her closet to pull out one of her favourite cashmere sweaters, and one of the hoodies Roni adored so much for Emma, and folding it over her arm. She then went back into the kitchen, rewarming the cocoa for Emma and grabbing a bottle of red and a wine glass for herself, bottle tucked in her arm and glass dangling from her fingers as she picked up the mug of cocoa she just finished preparing and walking back out to Emma.

“Hey, let me give you a hand,” Emma rushed toward her, taking the mug and bottle of wine from her, and then she froze, staring at Regina, her smile getting wider, “that’s the sweater you wore when we got drunk and danced together at Granny’s…”

Regina looked down, smile crooked, “You remembered…”

“Of course I did…it’s the colour of your magic…” Their eyes locked again, this time shyly as they remembered what happened that night, how it felt when Emma had gripped Regina’s swaying hips, how their fingers had danced together, how when their hands had locked for a second they felt whole…how Regina’s eyes had sparkled when Emma stood so close, could see every little pattern in her dark telling eyes, Regina memorizing every shade in Emma’s…it was…

“I brought you a sweater as well, it was one of Roni’s…erm mine, back in Hyperion Heights.”

“Oh! T-thank you,” Emma stepped back and looked where to put down the cocoa before she rushed to a small table close to the bench, putting the bottle of wine and cocoa down before moving just as quickly back to Regina to take the sweater, a dark grey zip-up one that made Emma smile because it was like the ones Henry used to wear all the time.

“No problem…don’t need you catching a cold.” Emma snickered, turning as Regina moved to the bench, swiping her finger through Emma’s whipped cream and sucking it off before she grabbed the bottle, eyes widening when she realized Emma caught her. “I did go out of my way to make it for you…”

Emma pulled her bottom lip between her teeth to stop herself from laughing, focusing on pulling on the sweater instead, and instantly realizing it smelt like Regina. “From what I’ve seen and heard Roni was more like me than you.”

Regina smirked, pulling the corkscrew out of her back pocket before dropping it onto the bench, stopping it’s movement with her foot, Emma watching her every movement in a trance, enthralled by having this once very regal woman around her again but now she’s…more relaxed, holding the wine bottle between her knees to pop the cork, making the cork vanish in a plume of light purple smoke before pouring herself a glass. She then reached across the bench to place it by the leg so it wouldn’t get knocked over, her eyes finally rising to meet Emma’s when she moved to recline against the back of the bench, “You going to sit back down? Your cocoa is going to get cold.”

“Yeah…right…sorry,” Emma blushed, moving to sit on the other end of the bench, tucking one leg under her while she used the other one to slowly rock the bench, Regina letting out a long sigh from next to her, turning to find Regina now leaning against the arm of the bench, legs bent as she looked up at the fairy lights lining the gazebo.

“Remember the day you put these up?”

“Of course,” Emma’s lips twitched with a smile, “You wanted to just use magic ‘cause it’d be faster and safer but I insisted I could do it for you…that electricity should not be messed with magically.”

“Mmm and then you fell from the ladder and nearly broke your neck.”

“It’s not my fault! I was distracted.”

“Yes, I remember, you thought you saw someone robbing my neighbour…”

“Riiiight, yes that’s definitely what distracted me…” Regina glanced at Emma who was slowly sipping her cocoa, a dark brow slowly rising in question as she caught sight of the blush colouring pale cheeks. Emma shook her head looking up at the lights, “I made many mistakes but leaving you and Henry…that was my biggest.”

Regina’s eyes widened slightly, feeling like she got whiplash from the sudden change in subject. “Emma…”

“No, don’t lie and say it’s okay, that you forgive me because I know you don’t and probably never fully will…I hurt you both so much the day I chose Killian over you two…” Regina looked down into her glass of wine suddenly wishing she had grabbed her cider instead, feeling like she just might need something stronger for this. “He just had his hooks so deeply in me back then…” Emma grimaced at the accidental pun while Regina scrunched her nose up at it, “Pun unintended…” A small smirk quirked up the corner of Regina’s lips, Emma flashing an awkward smile back before turning to stare across the lawn.

“I believed him when he said nobody would ever love me like him, that he was my happy ending, and that we were true loves, soulmates, meant to be. I thought maybe it was love, nobody had fought for me like that before…refused to give up…my parents seemed to like him, told me what he was constantly telling me…he broke down all my walls and told me it was cause he loved me…except after a while I realized that it wasn’t for my own good, that I felt weaker than I had in years…that he turned me into someone I didn’t even recognize anymore, that with him I felt weak, scared, small…completely different than how I felt when I was with you, with Henry…I always felt strong here, in your vault.”

Regina stayed silent, just watching her as she anxiously fiddled with her mug, Regina’s heart and stomach twisting in anger, the urge to eviscerate the pirate resurfacing once again.

“The day I walked through that portal leaving you and Henry behind my world just stopped, that last piece of who I really was shot pain through my chest. Everyday that last little piece of me that only shone when I was with you, or Henry poked at the back of my mind, told me I wasn’t happy, that what I had with Killian wasn’t love, your voice whispered in the back of my mind “you’re too good for Hook” until one day when he was belittling me for how I looked, telling me how I should be staying at home ‘cause I was pregnant, that I should step down as sheriff, that small whispering voice was screaming, that poking was a punch, screaming at me to see what was truly happening, that it wasn’t love after all, true or anything else, it was control, it was giving in because I didn’t think I was worthy enough for anything else. I, Emma Swan, The Saviour, the White Knight, badass sheriff of Storybrooke, daughter of Prince Charming and Snow White, a woman who years earlier would have kicked the ass of a man who so much as looked at her funny…was in a verbally abusive and controlling relationship…” Emma shook her head at herself, Regina’s eyes locked on her profile, on that sole tear rolling down her cheek, “That I was about to bring a child into that world. I refused to let anyone else I loved down because of that man so I finally listened to you, to Henry, to that voice in the back of my mind sending off a warning sign for the last 15 years that I let him convince me, -my parents convince me- it was just my fear of commitment…and I kicked him out, I filed for divorce, I came to this bench and I told you all about it and I promised the growing child in my stomach that I’d never let it happen again, that he’d never hurt us, never control and manipulate her…that we would be safe…and that if it ever got bad again we could come here, or to the vault where it was safe because he could never get us there…and then you came back and…” Emma finally turned to look at her, stared deep into her eyes, guilt radiating off of her in waves, “And you were so hurt by what I had done…I let him burrow so deep under my skin, I let him talk me into doing the one thing I promised I’d never do…I left you and Henry…I made Henry feel unworthy, I left you to raise him alone after I promised you you’d never have to…I did something I never wanted to do…I hurt you, I let you down…I broke your heart.”

“Em-ma…”

“Don’t, please, I’m not asking for pity or trying to make you feel guilty. I’m not asking for anything I’m just telling you, I’m sorry, for hurting you, I’ve already had a long emotional talk with the kid. I know that even though I didn’t notice or mean to, that I hurt you in a way that will take time to heal, for you to trust me again and I just want you to know, I’m ready and willing to work for that, Regina.”

Regina put her wine down, bragging herself onto her knees so she was sitting next to Emma, reaching her hands out to grip Emma’s forearm, their eyes locked as they silently spoke, a small smile curling on Regina’s lips as she whispered, “I’m so proud of you, Emma.”

Emma didn’t know how much she needed to hear someone say that, someone to support her choice to leave Hook until she was looking into Regina’s tearful eyes looking at her like Regina used to when Emma succeeded during one of their many magic lessons, feeling Regina’s warmth seeping into her arm, feeling their magic swirling together under her skin, seeking each other out as silent tears poured from Emma’s eyes.

Regina rested her forehead against Emma’s temple, her thumb gently caressing her arm through her sweatshirt, supporting her like Emma craved the day she left Hook after almost 10 years of marriage.

“I could never pity you…you’re too frustrating for that…” Regina smirked slightly to herself. “I just need you to understand something, Emma, you are no less brave and badass for being in an abusive relationship…the strongest people have been through them…you are still the white knight, sheriff of Storybrooke, thorn in my side you’ve always been, you got lost for a while? Sure. But you,” Regina leaned back, reaching her hand up to Emma’s chin to turn her head so their eyes met, an affectionate look on Regina’s face when Emma finally looked up to take it all in, her breath catching when Regina placed her hand over Emma’s heart a moment later, “the real you,” she enunciated by putting pressure against her chest, reminding them of the day Regina took Emma’s heart from her chest, cradled it so delicately, how Regina’s thumb caressed the magical organ soothingly, unconsciously. “She was always in there, fighting every day, and in the end, she won, and I’m so proud of her, of every part of you, even the hurting one that was in that relationship with him because you survived, and you came out beautifully in the end…”

Tears poured some more from Emma’s eyes, reaching her hand up to rest against Regina’s as her heart beat steadily against it, their eyes locked together not unlike that day at the town line when they said their goodbyes for what they believed would be forever…as much love and gratitude and tears as before except it held more in that moment…they’ve shared so many years of friendship and pain now that that one look was full and heavy and expressed everything and yet not enough.

“Regina…” Emma breathed, Regina’s eyes searching her face, and her mouth dropping open in surprise when Emma dropped her forehead to Regina’s, taking in a deep unsteady breath, “Never leave me again…never let me leave you again…”

“I promise,” Regina sighed, her eyes falling closed while her thumb brushed soothingly across the bare skin of Emma’s chest, feeling the way Emma’s heart rate picked up at the movement. “But that goes for you as well…”

“I know, I promise…” Emma husked, moving her hand from over Regina’s to tuck a strand of dark hair behind her ear before she cupped her cheek, running her thumb along her cheekbone. The two of them just sitting silently like that for god knows how long, comforting each other like they never really had before…it was the most relaxed they’d felt in a long while and then…Emma very sadly stated, “My cocoa is cold…” breaking the moment as Regina chuckled at her, pulling away from Emma to look at the cocoa in Emma’s other hand.

“I told you to drink it…”

“Well, I regret not listening now…”

“Idiot,” Regina sighed, dropping her hand from Emma’s chest to hover over the mug, warming the cocoa back up.

Emma looked down at the mug, smiling awkwardly, “Thanks…”

“No problem, dear…” she said, moving to sit back down properly again, although this time her arm was not so subtly touching Emma’s.

Emma started rocking the bench again as Regina tucked her legs up under her, both staring across the yard, Regina unsure if Emma wanted to talk about anything else…or if that was it.

After a few moments Regina shifted to grab her glass of wine, not realizing doing so put her ass practically in Emma’s face until she was sitting back up and found Emma staring at her with her mouth agape, eyes nearly bugging out of her head and her skin a lovely shade of red. “Sorry…” Regina blushed.

Emma nodded slowly, croaking out, “It’s fine,” And gripping her empty mug to stop herself from facepalming from how her voice cracked like a pubescent boy.

Regina had to bite her lip to keep from laughing, running her finger over the stem of the wine glass as she stared into it, hearing the quiet clank when Emma finally put her mug down and the bench started rocking again.

 

* * *

 

Emma sat on the bench and watched her, she’d missed her so much and it’s only been a little over a year in Emma’s reality…but she’s changed so much from her time away, and Emma finds herself wanting to trace the curve of her nose and lips, to map out everything that’s changed, the couple more wrinkles by her eyes when she smiles, mostly, because besides that…nothing really has changed…how has it been so long for her and yet she doesn’t look like she’s changed except some more smile lines. It’s because she was watching her so closely she noticed that her cheeks were still a little sunken and the sweatshirt she was wearing was just a little too big on her body…that makeup could barely hid the dark circles under her eyes, that distant look in her eyes when she got lost in a memory, in a thought, caught how her face stretched with a large yawn not much later. “How’re you sleeping?” Emma asked out of the blue, Regina’s head snapping to look at her with furrowed brows.

“What?”

“You mentioned nightmares the other day…”

“Oh…” Regina looked into her glass, contemplating whether or not she should reveal it all or not. Closing her eyes a moment later to the images that played in the reflection of the glass, downing it in one sip as she tried to forget last night’s nightmare.

“Regina?”

She shook her head, “They’ve been worse…”

“But they’ve also been better?”

“Yes…” Regina sighed, running her finger along the rim of the glass before she summoned the bottle to her instead of reaching for it, filling her glass and passing the bottle to Emma to place next to her this time. “sometimes when I wake up I can smell him…feel him still…I wake up mid scream…plea…struggling to breathe, to remember he’s not actually here…”

Emma clenched her jaw, knowing just who she was talking about without needing to ask.

“It’s just all so fresh in my mind, some nights it’s him, other it’s my mother…and some…the worst one is Henry dying in my arms while I’m helpless to save him…”

Emma reached out her hand, placing it on Regina’s bent knee, offering comfort and a crooked smile when Regina looked up at her, “I wish I could help…”

Regina hummed, placing her hand over Emma’s and squeezing it as she looked back up at the small lights above. “Talking to Archie is helping…it’s been an upward battle but I’m getting there…I just…I’ve realized I’ve suppressed a lot of things over the years and I guess almost losing Henry and Lucy was my breaking point…”

“I’m sorry I–”

“Would you stop apologizing, Miss Swan?!” Regina sighed, pinching her brow, “I know you’re sorry…”

“Sorry…” Regina sighed, pinching her nose, “I’ll work on that…”

Regina glanced over at her, shaking her head, “No, no…I’m sorry, for snapping at you I shouldn’t have–”

“Done that?” Regina rolled her eyes as Emma smiled proudly at her, “I believe we’ve already had this conversation before…”

“Mmm yes, what? 22? Years ago?”

Emma grumbled, “Is he really that old?”

“Yes…he really is…”

“Wait,” Emma said, looking at Regina with wide eyes, “I’m like nearly 50 in your timeline!” Regina started cackling, Emma playfully slapping her arm, “Hey! You’re still older!” Regina stopped on the dime, turning to glare murderously at Emma. “Mercy!” Emma yelped, flinging her arms up in surrender.

Regina shoved her, a wicked smirk playing on her lips as she took a long sip, “At least I don’t look a day over 30...unlike you…”

“Asshole!” Emma shoved her back, the wine sloshing over the edge of the glass, both of them watching it in slow motion as it _just_ missed Regina’s leg and splashed on the bench next to her, Emma letting out a long relieved sigh, physically deflating, Regina on the other hand just stared down at the red blotch on the white painted bench. Emma noticed a few moments later and conjured up a napkin, “I got it…relax, your majesty,” She sassed, reaching over Regina’s lap to wipe it away.

Regina got lost in her closeness, in the counters of her face, in how she’s changed and yet looks exactly as she did when she walked through that portal a decade ago in her reality…her hand reaching out unconsciously to a lock of blonde hair, pushing it behind Emma’s ear with an affectionate smile curling at her lips, “You’re as beautiful as the day I lost you…”

Emma turned her head to meet Regina’s distant gaze, a deep frown setting over Emma’s features as she cupped Regina’s hand against her cheek, “You didn’t lose me…”

“Yes, I did.” Regina stated, smile broken, her thumb brushing against Emma’s cheek, remembering that day outside Granny’s, tears welling quickly in her eyes, “I’m so sorry I struck you…”

“You already said that…”

“I know, but I just…I want you to know how bad I feel about that…and I’ll never ever hurt you again…it makes me sick to the stomach to think that I ever hurt you like he did…”

“Never…” Emma whispered, moving Regina’s hand so she could place a kiss to her palm. “I understand…I shouldn’t have grabbed you…”

Regina ducked her head…tears rolling down her cheeks, “That doesn’t change anything…I still shouldn’t–”

“Regina…” Emma cut her off, dropping Regina’s hand to wipe away her tears, smiling when Regina finally met her eyes, “We were both wrong that day…I should have given you more time to heal…to cope…whatever you needed to do when you returned back to this place but I didn’t understand…not until that day when I saw how you looked at me in a way you hadn’t since the curse broke…”

“Everything is so confusing, Emma…” Regina blurted a few moments later, eyes glassy with tears. “It’s both exactly the same as the day I left it and…nothing like it…my house is too empty, the pawn shop…” Regina shook her head, “It’s too empty…I never thought I’d miss his attitude…his comments…after everything he’s done to me but, he was my friend and now he’s gone and the shop is dark and deserted and every time I pass it I feel like I lose him all over again…he died a hero just like he always wanted to and I believe he’s with Belle again but…” she let out a broken sigh… “I still needed him…I wasn’t ready to lose my oldest friend.”

Emma remained where she was, offering comfort as best she could, knowing nothing she said could ever be enough so she wiped away Regina’s tears and squeezed her knee and, listened on.

“He was a real son of a bitch until the very end though,” Regina laughed bitterly, “He stole the only magic I had to save Henry for his own gain…I really hated that man sometimes, a selfish bastard…but…I really loved him too in a twisted up kind of way…and I just never believed that stubborn prick would ever actually stay dead.”

Emma chuckled at that, remembering how many times he’s come back from the dead…beating all laws of nature and magic.

Regina smiled softly, leaning into Emma’s hand as she looked up… “He sacrificed himself to save Rogers, to save us all and I’m eternally grateful but leave it to him to find a way to be a hero after centuries of fucking us all over.”

“Tell me about it…”

Regina smiled at her softly, moving out of Emma’s touch and leaning her head back to stare up at the roof of the gazebo, Emma shifting to sit next to her again, her hand remaining on Regina’s knee. “Did Henry tell you, what happened while we were gone?”

“Bits while he was reaming me out for upsetting you…”

Regina looked at her, brow arched but a smirk on her lips expressing how much of a proud mama she was at hearing this news, “He’s become very protective in old age…”

“I get it…losing you is my worst fear as well…”

Regina turned her head to look at Emma, “You’re very honest lately.”

“I don’t want to hide anything anymore…I want you to know just how important you are to me…” Emma leaned her head back, turning it so she mirrored Regina, “I never want you to question how important you are to me ever again…”

Regina looked back up at the roof, “Yes, well, you were always my favourite student…”

“What?”

“I taught magic to the girl who cursed us…well helped curse us, the one who poisoned Henry…”

“And you’re usually such a great judge of character…”

Regina turned her head to glare at her, “She was too much like I was at her age…I never should have told her about the curse or taught her magic…it just hurt her in the end…”

“Is she…”

“No, she’s very much alive in one of the other realms with her sister living their lives freely.”

“Oh…good…”

“Yes…I have hopes that she’ll be better than I was with her second chance…”

“I think you’re off to a great start…”

“You’re sweet, dear…but I threatened to murder the pirate just last week…”

“See, a great start!”

Regina rolled her eyes, nudging Emma playfully with her knee, both of them falling silent as she went back to looking up at the lights and Emma continued to watch her. “You’re staring, Miss Swan.”

“I have a lot to get caught up on…just getting a head start.”

Regina rolled her eyes, “It’s still creepy.”

“Sorry, not sorry,” Emma smirked as Regina’s eyes rolled again but she said nothing else, mindlessly playing with Emma’s fingers after a few moments of silence, Emma smiling at the gesture but not pointing it out, watching how relaxed Regina seemed with her eyes now closed and breathing even…Emma would be scared she had fallen asleep but as far as she knew it took some awake brain function to fiddle with someone’s fingers.

 

* * *

 

“Why Hope?” Regina suddenly asked, Emma nearly jumping when her voice sounded in their quiet surroundings.

“What do you mean?”

“Why did you name her Hope? Was it your mother’s idea?”

Emma chuckled, “No, I named her that because after such a long time she gave me hope again…” Emma glanced over at her, a shy smile on her face before she continued, “And she reminded me of you a bit…I don’t know how to explain it but…she just does…”

“Maybe it’s her hatred of the pirate…”

“Mmm, that has to be it.”

Regina smirked, looking at Emma, “How was it?”

“What?”

Regina shrugged, “the pregnancy, birth…still sad you missed out on Henry’s baby years?”

Emma chuckled, “Pregnancy had its ups and downs…a lot harder this time around, to be honest…never have a kid after 30, Regina…birth on the other hand was much easier,” Emma chuckled, Regina watching her silently, “Hope was much more active in the womb than Henry, Hope tried to break ribs and rupture organs…Henry was more relaxed in comparison…but shit did his birth hurt!”

“And taking care of a baby?”

Emma shrugged, “I mean thanks to you and the queen I have two sets of memories of raising Henry since birth…but I guess the real thing is very different…my nipples fucking hurt…I did not miss out of this at all…but…yes, I’m still sad I missed Henry’s baby years…would’ve been nice…”

“What? Raising him?”

“No, raising him with you…”

Regina’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head this time, snapping her head to look at Emma, “What?”

“I wish those were the memories I’d have been given but I like to think that the memories from you…it was kinda like we raised him together and then well after the age of 10 we did…I can’t imagine raising a kid with anyone else but you…”

“But you are,”

Emma scoffed, “I’m really not, it’s just me and her in that big house…I’ve been looking into finding a smaller one…well, I was until you all returned and now I kinda need all the extra rooms…I got an even bigger family overnight…and that just keeps happening…gotta be prepared for all the future grandkids too…”

“Oh, Emma…” Regina sighed, squeezing her hand, “I have some bad news for you…”

“Oh gosh…what now?”

“They decided they didn’t want any more children…”

“What?!” Emma looked heartbroken…even more than Regina did when she found out…

“But hey, that means we can just spoil Lucy even more…think about it, darling, we can do with Lucy everything your parents did with Henry before sending him back…” Regina pursed her lips, “Speaking of…I can’t _wait_ until Hope gets bigger so I can fill her full of sugar and give her back to you.”

Emma chuckled, shaking her head at Regina, “I guess I deserve that…”

“You do.”

“Does that mean you’re going to co-parent with me again? I mean we _are_ still co-parenting Ry and Henry…might as well add the little monster to the list…”

Regina smiled at her, “Happy to help whenever you need it…like I said, I miss babies.”

“Great…”

Regina hummed, both of them drifting off into silence once more, Regina yawning for the hundredth time of the evening.

“Tired?”

“Kind of…but I don’t much want to sleep…”

“Scared?” Regina contemplated her answer again before she nodded slowly, “I can stay with you…”

“What?”

“N-nothing…just…until you fall asleep? Or just stay the night in the guest room so you’re not alone if you wake up from a nightmare…”

“That’s a nice offer, Miss Swan but I think I’ll be fine…”

Emma nodded, looking down at their joined hands, “Okay…” Regina closed her eyes again, resting against the back of the bench as Emma still rocked it, her head lulling to Emma’s shoulder a few moments later, “Tell me what she was like…”

“Hmm?”

“Lucy, what was she like when she was little?”

“Amazing…” Regina sighed sleepily, Emma moving her arm around Regina, running the backs of her knuckles along Regina’s arm and her other hand draped the blanket across their laps before taking Regina’s hand again. “She was a lot like Henry…curious, always wanting to go off on adventures…I used to take her into the woods at night to see all the magical creatures that came out…her favourites were Pixies, they used to get up to all sorts of mischief but her giggles of glee were worth everything…even the mud to the face…” Emma chuckled, Regina’s voice distant, sleepy, but happy…similar to how she sounded when she spoke of Henry. “Jacinda wasn’t always happy about it but then Henry offered to go with us…to make sure nothing bad happened…”

“Oh, no…that wasn’t a good idea…”

“It really wasn’t, I turned away for one second and he and Lucy were riding an Alicorn! I looked just in time to watch it take off above the forest…they had a blast, but Henry was never allowed to join us again when Jacinda saw them soaring past their bedroom window…”

Emma chuckled, “How old was she?”

Regina pursed her lips in thought, “I believe she had just turned 4…”

“Like mother like son…”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“You love animals! You started the mythical creature adventures!”

“Yes! But I was going to save the Alicorn until she was at least 6.”

Emma snorted, “What, the Unicorn was more age appropriate?”

“Yes! She loved her ride on the unicorn for her birthday that year!”

“My point has been proven…”

Regina huffed, the air ghosting over Emma’s neck and making her look down at the now soft edges of Regina’s face. “I can’t wait to take Hope out…she’ll love it…”

“You are not taking my daughter out to see mythical creatures!” Regina pulled away to look at her, Emma’s smile huge as she finished off with mischievous eyes, “At least not without me! I wanna ride a unicorn!”

“Idiot…” Regina whispered, resting her head back down against Emma’s shoulder.

“So you lived with Henry in the castle?”

“Yes…it was a big place and he liked to keep me around in case of an emergency…”

“Baby advice? Or magical emergency? No, wait! I know, the chef just wasn’t doing a good enough job.” Regina pinched the top of her hand and Emma yelped, glaring down at her, “All of the above, huh?”

“Yes…”

“He’s so spoiled! I’m surprised he’s not living here with you!”

“They have their own place in Hyperion Heights…”

“He visits constantly doesn’t he…?”

“Yes…”

“He’s got you wrapped around his little finger still! Damn, that kid is good!”

“He’s my everything…”

“I know…” Emma said, teasing out of her voice in a second, knowing just how much Regina loved Henry and Ry…and Lucy…she loves like nobody Emma has ever met before…

“Are you trying to put me to sleep, Swan?” Regina asked sleepily, just noticing how soothing the soft touch on her arm was.

“Never…” Emma smiled.

“I may not have a built-in lie detector like you but even I know when you’re lying, my darling…”

“Shhh,” Regina tried to lift her head to glare at her but Emma’s hand moved to keep it against her shoulder, “Did I ever tell you about my time in Boston before Henry found me?”

“No…?”

“Great! Okay, so the year was 2009, it was July I believe…” Regina groaned, rolling her eyes but let them drift shut as she listened, feeling drowsier as the seconds passed…unsure how she ended up moving to rest her head on Emma’s lap but one second she was yawning and the next she was using Emma’s thigh as a pillow with her forehead pressed against Emma’s belly as Emma combed her fingers through her hair, and rubbed her thigh, continuing to tell the most mundane of stories…the rocking of the bench was the final touch that lulled her into oblivion.

 

* * *

 

“No!”

Emma rushed into the bedroom when she heard the yelling, no time to even pull on pants, she just ran, tripping over her own feet as she went, turning the knob to Regina’s bedroom door and falling through it, instantly spotting the woman thrashing on the bed.

“Please!”

“Shit…” Emma breathed, running to the bed and sitting on the mattress by her, reaching out her hand to wake her but freezing, suddenly worrying that this might be worse…

“I’ll be good…” She whimpered Emma looking at her face, young, scared…covered in tears…that was all it took to get Emma to reach out for the hand gripping tightly to the covers.

“Regina…shhh, it’s okay…it’s just a nightmare…” Emma whispered, but Regina still looked so distressed Emma leaned forward, brushing sweat-soaked hair from her forehead, and smoothing out the wrinkles between her brows. “Regina…wake up…” Emma startled when Regina let out a pained yelp as her eyes shot open, wild and unseeing, “Regina…”

She jumped, slapping Emma’s hand away as she blinked her eyes to adjust to the light shining in her room from the hallway backlighting Emma eerily.

“Hey, shh it’s okay, it’s me, Emma…Swan…”

Regina blinked a couple more times, a broken sounding laugh leaving her mouth, “You didn’t need to add your last name…I only know one Emma…at least that would be in my bedroom in the middle of the night…” Regina frowned, “Speaking of…what are you doing in here and how did _I_ get in here?”

“I poofed us in here then magically redressed you in jammies and then I crashed for the night in your guest room because I was not leaving you and I was not moving Hope.”

“Right…” Regina shifted, flicking on her bedroom light and sitting up to rake her hands through her damp hair, frowning as she really looked at Emma, “Are you in your underwear?”

Emma looked down, blush rising quickly across her chest and climbing up to her cheeks, “I ah…was worried…”

“Right…” Regina looked down to her duvet, smoothing it out over her legs, glancing down at her chest and shaking her head, “Did you dress me in Roni’s pyjamas?”

“Uh…I dunno…I just found ones in the drawer without having to dig and magicked them on you…I didn’t wanna go digging through your stuff…” Emma frowned, “Do you not like those ones?”

“N-no…I…” Regina fiddled with the hem of her shirt, reading the band name on the shirt and smiling almost painfully at the memory. “I…I love these pyjamas…”

Emma smiled widely, “I love the shirt. It’s from my favourite band, you know?”

“Oh?” Regina’s voice cracked, blushing at being caught as Emma tilted her head at her, giving her that look when she knew Regina had just lied.

“I guess some parts of me were always with you…Henry, and my music taste,” Regina smiled crookedly at her. “You okay?”

Regina looked down at her hands, nodding slowly, “Yes, I believe I am.”

“Do you want me to stay until you fall back asleep?”

“No, no, you go to bed, I’ll be just fine.”

“Are you sure? Cause I don’t mind…”

“I’m sure, dear, I’ll probably pass right back out when you leave,” Her smile didn’t reach her eyes, that was Emma’s first clue, the second was how Emma’s gut twisted unsteadily as she registered the lie on Regina’s face.

“Regina…you know you can’t lie to me…”

“So I won’t fall asleep as soon as you leave but I’ll be fine, I promise.”

Emma reached out for her hand, Regina jumping at the gesture, her eyes skidding around the room before landing back on Emma’s face. “No you aren’t,” Emma searched her features for a second, “You have no plans on going back to sleep tonight, do you?”

“No, I don’t…”

Emma nodded, fiddling with her own hands as she thought, a smile curling on her lips a second later, “How about some cocoa? Hope will be up for her middle of the night feeding soon anyways.”

Regina pursed her lips in thought, “Only if you put on some pants, dear, I don’t need my sister coming home out of the blue and finding you half naked and assuming we hooked up and then telling the whole town about it.”

“Deal,” Emma smiled widely at her, “I’ll meet you downstairs?”

“Sure…I’ll get started on the cocoa…”

“Noo, I wanna make it for you! I promise I know how!”

“Very well…but I’m going to supervise so you don’t burn down my kitchen…”

“Great!” Emma then conjured herself up a pair of plaid pyjama bottoms, standing and pulling them on quickly, glancing back up to find Regina looking at her with an arched brow. “I forgot I had magic…”

Regina rolled her eyes, throwing the blankets off of her body and looking down at the very skimpy shorts Roni loved to sleep in, a long sigh leaving her lips before she got out of bed and lead the way downstairs, trying to pretend she didn’t feel Emma’s eyes burning into her backside.

 

* * *

 

“Sit,” Emma demanded as soon as they entered the kitchen, and when Regina started to protest Emma walked into her personal space, gripping onto Regina’s hips and making her freeze as she stared in disbelief at Emma, a surprised gasp leaving her mouth when Emma picked her up off the floor and placed her on the island, glaring at Regina, “Stay.”

“I am not a dog!” Regina protested but did not move an inch.

Emma just chuckled, gathering everything she needed without struggling, reminding Regina once again how much time Emma used to spend in this place before she married the pirate. “You know, the memories you gave me on raising Henry did more than make me think I raised him…they also taught me a lot, about cooking…” Emma looked up bashfully at her as she slowly made the cocoa just like Regina the earlier that night. “but they also taught me a lot about you…”

Regina arched a brow, leaning on her hands gripping the counter by her thighs, “how do you mean?”

“Well, we had a lot of things in common but I never made cocoa after I had nightmares but in my memories, I had told Henry that it was an old trick of mine…but it wasn’t my trick…it was yours, like how you make omelettes and pancakes so delicious…”

“Oh…” Regina crossed her ankles together to keep from kicking her legs nervously. “My father used to make it for me when I had nightmares, daddy would carry me down and teach me…but it was our secret because if mother found out I was in the kitchen let alone cooking she’d have my head…I always had to be her good little girl…”

“I’ll be good…” Emma mumbled under her breath, Regina’s ears perking up at the phrase.

“Where did you hear that?!”

“You said it before I woke you…” Emma frowned, “is that who you were dreaming about? Your mother?”

Regina started fiddling with her hands, looking at what Emma was doing, “Don’t burn it!”

“I won’t! I know what I’m doing! Sheesh!”

“Yes, well, for all I know, this is your first time making it from scratch!”

“I made it for Henry this way every day while in New York, I know what I’m doing…just relax, Regina.”

Regina huffed, looking back at her hands, “So I uh, fell asleep last night?”

“You’re easier to put to sleep than Hope.”

Regina blushed, looking around the kitchen. “It’s weird…”

“What?”

“Being back…I had been back in the Enchanted Forest for over a decade and then I was cursed again living above a bar and now…” She gestured around, “It’s all so big compared to that place…it gets so lonely when Ry is staying with you or your parents…”

“You have Zelena and Robin…”

Regina hummed, “They aren’t here every day anymore and when they are it’s great but Zelena is just constantly fretting over me…”

“She’s worried about you…you gave us all a real fright there for a bit…”

Regina looked back up at her, studying her closely. “Did she yell at you too?”

“There may have been some light threatening…”

“Light threatening?”

“She told me I had to make it good between us again or she’d make me rue the day…but it wasn’t death so, for Zelena that’s some light threatening…”

“Idiot…”

“Hey!”

Regina smiled, “How many of my loved ones have read you the riot act lately?”

“Erm…you probably don’t wanna know…”

Regina groaned, burying her face in her hands, “I’m going to kill them all…”

“Not the boys! They meant well!”

“Both of them?!”

“Erm…yeah…Henry more viciously than Ry but…yeah…”

Regina sighed, fiddling with the hem of her shorts as Emma focused back on the cocoa. “I was dreaming about the day I met your mother…”

“Oh…”

“Mother punished me earlier that day for talking back…”

“I really wish I could just storm into the good place and drag her back down to hell.”

Regina smiled at her, tracing her features with her eyes, it was both the greatest thing to see Emma back in her kitchen, to have her back in her life but it also hurt so much…seeing her…especially like this…it was like the universe was taunting her but she couldn’t look away…pull away…at least not tonight…it just felt so good to have her back…to learn what it was like to hold her so close or do domestic things like making cocoa in the middle of the night and fall asleep cuddling on the bench swing out back…

“Cocoa, your majesty!” Emma announced, snapping her out of her thoughts, blinking as she realized Emma was now in a half curtsy presenting the mug of cocoa to her.

“What are you doing?” Regina asked through the laughter that was forcing its way through.

“Presenting the Queen of all the realms with her yummy cocoa, what else would I be doing?”

Regina affectionately rolled her eyes, taking the cocoa from Emma as she muttered, “Idiot,” Under her breath just as fondly.

Emma grinned proudly at her, pouring her own cocoa before she pulled out a stool, sitting on it next to Regina, looking as dopey as ever as she stared up at her, impatiently waiting for her to try the cocoa.

Regina shook her head, bringing the mug up to her lips and hesitantly taking a sip, her eyes widening in pleasant surprise. “Oh!”

“Oh?”

“It’s actually good!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“It means I watched you almost burn down my kitchen making toast once!”

“It’s not my fault your toaster was faulty!”

“It was not!”

“Was too!” Emma pouted and Regina laughed lowly, nudging her arm with her knee making Emma smile up at her again. “This is nice…I’ve missed this…”

“We’ve never done _this_ before…”

“You know what I mean…hanging out with you…”

“Me too…” Regina’s nose scrunching up as she smiled down at Emma. “Just, never tell Henry I sat on this counter…he still thinks it’s against the rules.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Regina nudged her again, bringing the mug back up to her lips and drinking more, the two sitting in comfortable silence even well after their cocoa was done, only breaking out of it when they heard Hope crying from the other room. “Well, that’s my cue…”

“Yes, it would be…”

“You ah, wanna come?”

“You go, I’m going to clean up the kitchen…”

“Okay…” Emma smiled, pushing off of the stool and squeezing Regina’s bare knee causing a small gasp to leave Regina’s lips as she stared at Emma’s hand on her. “Don’t be scared about coming in after you’re done…I’m not like shy about it…breastfeeding is breastfeeding…y’know? I guess when you gotta do it in Granny’s like in front of the whole town you stop caring.” Emma laughed nervously, shrugging nonchalantly before she stepped back, looking at Regina one more time before Hope’s wails urged her to move quickly through the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again I shall beg you for love, it really is great to hear what you all think and it warms my small fragile heart :P
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Ang.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be totally honest with yall, I do not recall if there are any triggers in this chapter so let's just assume all the earlier ones still apply? Ahaha Sorry memory is fried on the account of a migraine!
> 
> You also might notice that the chapter number has increased, turns out my earlier prediction that I'd have it completed by chapter 4 was incorrect and it looks like it'll be another chapter or two...they just do not wanna get their shit together ahahaha.
> 
> alrighty! Now that we got that covered please continue down for our regular scheduled programming!
> 
> -Ang XD

“How are you doing, Regina?”

She looked up from Pongo, her eyes locking onto Archie’s, always that kind patient look on his face that used to annoy her to no ends years ago but now…it was tolerable…welcome even, in some instances. “I’m alright, it’s been very hectic lately but I’m much better.”

“That’s great to hear! And the nightmares?”

Regina looked back down at Pongo, petting the top of his head resting in her lap, “they’re…nightmares…not much different, not better but not worse…”

“I see…”

“I woke up last week and I had shattered the mirrors in my sleep…I’m scared that I may hurt Zelena and the kids when they’re staying over…” Regina said quietly, stroking Pongo’s ears absentmindedly, the dog just a blur in her vision as memories and fears swam around in her mind. “I’ve thought about moving back into the castle, but that holds too many painful memories and my home is…well, it’s mine and its safe for me but…I don’t know what to do…”

“Has it happened before?”

Regina looked up at him, frowning in confusion, “No, but why does that matter? It happened once, it can happen again…it could be worse next time…what if I hurt them when they check on me?”

“Listen, Regina,” Archie started, leaning forward on his knees. “I can’t promise you it will never happen again, and that you won’t accidentally hurt them…this is something that is ultimately out of our control but I know for a fact that the more you worry about something happening the more likely it is to happen. You’re stressing about this so much that it’s seeping into your everyday life, still with you when you sleep…and like you’ve said countless times, magic is emotion.”

Regina pursed her lips in thought, her eyebrows furrowing together as she thought about it, “So what you’re saying is that by stressing about all of this I could cause my magic to react without me knowing?”

“Precisely,” Archie nodded as he sat back in his chair again.

“I suppose that makes sense…” she looked back to Pongo, a small smile curling on her lips as she continued to watch him, focusing on the happy thumping of his tail against the leather couch.

“And the flashbacks?”

Regina shrugged, “Less frequent, I suppose…” Archie nodded, “Emma has been very…” She pursed her lips again, “She’s a lot like her mother…”

Archie chuckled at that, “yes, well, from what I know of the both of them they always mean well…”

“Says the man that’s never had them hovering over you looking like you may fall apart at every turn…Emma nearly clobbered Rogers the other day when she thought it was Hook accosting me again…”

Archie smiled, looking like the fact warmed him from deep within. “I’m glad the saviour is acting more like herself again…”

Regina glared at him, a brow raised just slightly in disbelief. “You married them!”

“Have you ever tried saying no to Snow White? That man kidnapped me and held me hostage…marrying him to Emma was the worst thing I ever agreed to…and I agreed to being turned into a cricket.”

Regina smirked, a bitter laugh leaving her mouth, “It appears we have something in common then…”

“Indeed…”

They drifted off in silence, Regina thinking silently to herself. “I’m sorry, for what I did to you…collateral damage or not…I’m still sorry.”

Archie brushed her off, “Nonsense, not only did your curse make me human again but it made me free to help as many people as possible.”

Regina nodded, looking out the window, staring into the distance. “I hate this…this pain and fear…the anger seeping into my soul once more…sometimes I just want to lash out, to scream at Emma until I’m blue in the face about how much she hurt me…but she’s hurting too…how can I ask forgiveness for my actions and still be upset with her?”

“It’s not going to get better overnight, Regina…it takes time to rebuild trust…starting with not holding back from the other about how you truly feel.”

Regina scoffed, “You mean that I’m still angry at her or that I love her?”

“I say start with the first one and work up to the second.”

A slight smirk curled on Regina’s lips at that but a few moments later it was gone again. “Everything is just so different here now…the things I once relied on –I no longer can,” her thoughts trailed off for a moment, a long sigh escaping her lips before she continued. “Gold’s shop is just sitting there, filled with things and trinkets and horrible memories but it’s also his…it’s this place that holds onto the essence of him, slithers over your skin like tentacles, calling you in, whispering to you all the secrets it holds all while feeling like a black hole…and…” She shook her head at it, “It’s familiar, safe, a place I could once go to for help and I know how messed up that is, considering how much he hurt me but…”

“He was all you had when you were young and hurting? And now that you are hurting again you’re looking for something familiar in this new chaos?”

“Yes…he understood me like not many do…he was family in the most twisted of ways and I look at that place, abandoned and collecting dust…I look at it and expect to see him tidying up or bumping into him and listening to his snide comments…it’s like for a moment in my mind it comes to life again and then…it’s just a darkened old building…”

Archie hummed in understanding, “That’s a normal stage of grief, Regina…you lost a friend, in front of your own eyes…again…unable to do anything to stop it…again…” Regina’s hand gripped into a fist, her jaw clenching. “You felt helpless, you feel helpless…and we both know what feeling helpless brings back for you.”

She glanced over at him, meeting his caring blue eyes before she glanced back out the window. “I…” she let out a shaky sigh, “I thought I was done being helpless and then I was unable to heal my son, I was unable to save Rumple, my granddaughter…Facilier…everywhere I turned things were crumbling around me…there was nothing I could do…”

“Henry and Lucy are fine, they’re safe and healthy, you may not have saved everybody but you did save them.”

“Yes…I suppose that’s what matters most in the end…right?”

“Indeed.”

“I still don’t feel much like I won…”

“Give yourself time, Regina, it’s only been a few months.”

Regina nodded, her hand brushing over Pongo’s fur as she stared out the window, both remaining silent until the session ended a few minutes later.

 

* * *

 

 

“I thought we were getting lunch…?” Henry questioned, side-eyeing the building as Regina parked the car.

“Yes, but first I want to make a little stop here…”

“At the animal shelter…?” Henry said in disbelief, glancing over at Regina who looked as casual as ever, shrugging as she opened the door, turning to Henry with one foot out of the car.

“I heard animals are good for mental health issues like depression and anxiety…”

Henry blinked, “You’re getting an emotional support animal…”

Regina sighed, shutting the car door after she slipped out, walking toward the double doors.

“But you wouldn’t even let me get a turtle as a kid!” Henry yelled, running after her, “You said dogs were dirty!”

Regina shrugged, stopping to look back at him, “You were enough work, Henry. I didn’t need to be looking out for you _and_ a dog.”

“What about a turtle?”

“I thought about it, I was actually going to get you one for your 11th birthday but…”

“Right…”

Regina cupped his cheek, running her thumb over his cheek as she said, “If it makes you happy you can come over and play with whatever animal I get whenever you wish.”

“Yes! Deal!” Henry smiled widely at her, Regina’s nose scrunching up as she sent him a smile just as big before she dropped her hand, stepping back to walk toward the doors again.

“You know, you are an adult and can get an animal without my permission? Right?” Regina threw over her shoulder, smirking knowing that that thought hadn’t actually occurred to him.

Henry let out a long sigh after a few seconds. “No…I gotta ask Ella first…she’d kill me if I showed up with a puppy.”

“One day, sweetheart,” Regina reassured, patting his shoulder before pulling open the doors and stepping inside.

“Your majesty!” The man behind the counter squeaked, standing up straight then suddenly bowing so deeply he nearly hit his head on the counter, Regina’s eyes widening at the gesture while Henry giggled behind her.

Regina held up a calming hand, her lips twitching with a smile, “Alexander, breathe, you don’t need to bow.”

“Yes, sorry, your majesty.”

Regina smiled almost affectionate at the young man, “Please, Regina is fine.” A small voice in the back of her head reminding her that only a few years ago it was only “Madam Mayor” or “Miss Mills”…and as the queen she only accepted “Your Majesty”…she knew if her other half heard this she’d have a coronary.

He looked shocked at her statement, “Yes, yes, of course, your ma– Regina.” He blushed slightly, looking away from Regina to Henry who was looking ready to explode from laughter, “Sir,” Henry waved, and Alexander looked back to his queen. “What can I do for you, Ma’am?”

“I am looking for an animal, I have yet to decide between a cat and a dog though, I was hoping I could just look around, see who stands out?”

“Yes, of course, your majesty,” Regina arched a brow, “Regina, sorry…you have the place to yourself, you are allowed to go in all the rooms to see them as well.”

“Wonderful,” Regina nodded, “Henry?” she said before she headed through the doors that held the animals knowing just where they were being kept…I mean she did create them after all.

“Coming, mom,” He called after her, turning to look at the very red man, “Smooth, Alex, real smooth.”

“Shut up.” He hissed and Henry started laughing loudly, walking through the doors after Regina to leave the man to his self-loathing.

“Any luck, mom?”

She turned to look at him from where she was staring in the room through the glass sliding door at a group of cats lounging around. “Yes, dear. You done teasing the poor man?”

“Yes,” Henry snickered, glancing in the room, “I knew him; met him in my travels.”

“Mmm, he was a noble knight, at least that’s what Tiana tells me.”

“He was,” Henry snickered, “He thinks you’re pretty…he’s never acted that way around Tiana or Ella before.”

Regina hummed in thought, head tilting as she looked at a cat walking around the room. “What do you think about a cat?”

“They’re great, easy to take care of on a busy schedule, like affection on their own terms…they kinda remind me of you actually.” Regina arched her brow at him, “They got this rep of being evil and stuff…kinda stuck up…but really they’re very loving.”

“I see…”

“What about that one?” Henry pointed to a lanky black cat sitting regally atop the largest cat post in the room.

“Really?”

“They remind me of you.”

“You are just like your mother…how did I go so wrong with you…”

Henry chuckled, “Well, _I’m_ going to go look at them.”

“Have fun, be careful, that calico looks dangerous.”

Henry looked at the big fat calico cat sitting by the door, “Oh my god they’re so fat! I love them!”

Regina shook her head, watching as her son threw open the door and practically belly flopped onto the floor to get a good look at the cat. Regina walked down the hall further, looking into every room, faintly hearing Henry ask the cats if they wanted treats and if he could pet them and it was so much like Emma that it warmed her heart but also…a quiet voice reminding her it was just like she used to be with animals before Daniel was killed.

She was looking at a puppy in one of the rooms off to the back, her head tilted in contemplation, wondering if it was a dog she was looking for when she heard a small whine behind her, turning to see a rather large dog curled up on a dog bed staring sadly at her. Something about the animal called to Regina and she stepped away from the puppy toward the room that held the sad dog, she reached out to the sliding door and tried to open it but it was locked, a deep frown etched to her lips, “Why are you locked up, sweetie?” she asked the pup, it’s floppy ears perking up when it realized she was actually paying it attention.

She shook her head, turning to head toward the front desk to demand answers and to see the dog, she was just out of sight when a loud almost fearsome bark reached her ears and she froze, turning to go back to the cage, this time the dog was right in front of the door. “Okay, so we’ll break some rules then,” Regina smirked at the dog, waving her hand over the locks to magically unlock them, a wide smile on her face as it pulled free. “There we go.”

She opened the door a crack, waiting to see how the very large, almost hulk like dog would react, when nothing happened she slipped her hand through, holding it out to the dog, it quietly growled for a moment, looking her over for a few moments then it inched closer, sniffing at Regina’s hand, “hello, sweetheart, can I pet you?” the dog let out a little rumbling bark before they nudged Regina’s hand with their head, Regina took the hint and slowly pet their short chestnut fur, she did that for a few long moments, using her hand on the door to slowly slide the it open a bit more, “Can I come in?” she asked, the dog did nothing so Regina took that as a yes, straightening up to slip through the door, the rather large chestnut coloured creature stepped back, looking hesitantly at her, Regina shutting the door behind her, a fond smile on her face as she crouched down.

They stared at each other for a bit, Regina slowly lowering herself into a seated position after her legs got tired, watching the animal sit before her, posture almost regal, knightly as it watched her, their eyes still very young with the cutest white patch leading from her neck down to her belly. “You’re beautiful,” she whispered and after some time the dog approached her again, Regina slowly reached up to pet them, taking note of the rather obvious lack of male genitalia she cooed. “Such a good girl, why were you locked in here, sweetheart?”

A slow thumping on the floor alerted Regina to her short tail wagging, making her smile widely at the beautiful animal with golden eyes. “You’re just misunderstood, aren’t you?” and suddenly the dog was lunging forward, Regina let out a surprised squeal as she climbed into her lap, licking her face. “Yes, you’re just a sweetheart, aren’t you?” she cooed, patting the dog’s back, feeling free and calm like she hadn’t in a long while…she let out a long sigh, wrapping her arms around the giant dog in her lap, hugging her as tears rolled down her cheeks, resting her head against the dog’s, smiling at her cute face, young but she can see something in it, something familiar. “Yes, you will do perfectly…” the dog licked her tears and Regina smiled, kissing her pink nose.

She wasn’t sure how long she was sat in that cage with that animal but she was sure it had been awhile when she heard Henry calling out for her, turning her head to look out the large glass door while the dog was sleeping happily in her lap.

She carefully dug out her phone, typing out a text to him with one hand, the other still petting the head in her lap.

“Mom?” Henry asked, Regina just catching him coming into view with Alexander, she heard the man gasp and she glanced up from their legs to meet Alexander’s shocked expression. “What?”

“How is she in there? That dog has attacked nearly everyone she’s seen since she was found wandering the woods by the edge of town when we all arrived here.”

Henry actually laughed, Regina feeling a stronger connection to the dog in her lap, “kindred spirits,” Henry smiled. “Of course you’d choose the dreaded big bad pitbull…” Henry looked at Alexander, “Which, for your information are one of the sweetest breeds of dogs, born mothers and protectors they just got a bad rep because people train them to be fighters and abuse them.”

Alexander still looked close to passing out as he stared at Regina, his queen, alone in a room with a dog they considered a danger to society.

With a flick of Regina’s wrist, the door slid open and she smiled up at him, “I’ll be taking her, if you could fill out the paperwork for me to sign that would be wonderful.”

“O-of course, your majesty.” He bowed, scrambling through the building.

Henry crouched down next to her, Regina arching her brow at the kennel he just put down. “So I got a cat…” Regina chuckled, shaking her head at him, “It only took a little pleading but Ella agreed when I sent her a picture…she’s just so fat and fluffy, mom!”

Regina laughed a little harder, waking the dog on her lap who looked up at Henry, growling lowly, “Shh, it’s okay, girl, this is my son, Henry, he’s very nice, aren’t you, Henry?”

“Very,” Henry smiled, looking into the scared eyes of the dog which reminded him of his mother’s for a second, “she’s perfect for you.”

“Yes, she is…”

“What’re you gonna name her?”

Regina shrugged, “I haven’t decided yet…”

“Doesn’t she need a name for you to take her out?”

Regina hummed in thought, looking at her, “What do you think your name should be?”

“She can’t answer you, mom.”

“I know, but maybe if I ask her she’ll give me a sign…like Rocinante.”

“How about Hazel? Like her colouring?”

“This is why Ella named Lucy…and hopefully, your cat’s name because knowing you her name will be Tubs.”

“I am great with names! I’m a writer! a _published_ writer!”

Regina arched her brow, unimpressed, “You used our names, darling.”

Henry frowned, looking at those golden eyes staring at him from his mother’s lap. “It’s gotta be something unique and special.”

Regina’s heart clenched in her chest at that phrasing, looking down at the dog, “How about, Kiara?”

“I love it!”

“What do you think, girl?” her tail thumped happily on the floor, a quick bark leaving her mouth as she shifted in Regina’s lap.

“Your majesty, Prince Henry, your paperwork is ready, all you need is a leash and collar for her…I uh, chose one from the back…” He held it out in a shaky hand, violet purple making Henry snicker and Regina glare at her son.

“They’re perfect, thank you, Alexander. And what have I said about calling me that?”

“Sorry, ma’am.” He passed the leash and collar to Henry, shifting on his feet, “I’ll be at the front desk when you’re ready to go, ma’am.”

“Thank you.” She smiled at him, holding out her hand for Henry to hand her the collar, looking down at Kiara, “Okay, sweetheart, I’m just going to have to put this collar on you now, is that okay?” Kiara looked at her hesitantly for a second then she sat up, posture regal and daunting and barked once, as if telling Regina it was okay.

“Such a good girl,” Regina cooed, slipping the collar around her neck, making a calming noise when Kiara whimpered slightly, kissing the side of her head when she was done. “Very good, Kiara. Now the leash,” Kiara whimpered and growled and Regina pet her head, “I know, but we need the leash to leave this place so we have to use it, okay?”

Regina held out her hand to Henry, slowly slipping the leash on the collar and smiling widely at Kiara when she didn’t freak out, summoning a treat to give to her, “You did very well!” kissing the side of her head again, looping the leash around her hand before she held out her other one for Henry to help her to her feet, smiling down at Kiara, “Ready to go home, sweetheart?”

Kiara barked happily and Henry smiled at them both, holding his hand out to Kiara who looked at him unsurely before sniffing his hand, and then, letting him pet her, and earning Henry’s characteristic wide smile, “I can’t wait to see people's reactions when they see you walking around town with her…”

Regina smiled at him, looking down at the kennel he was holding with two hands, “Want me to teleport you home when we’re done here?”

“Could you? I know we were supposed to do lunch after this but…”

“Can’t exactly leave a cat in the car.”

“No…another day? Tomorrow?”

“I’ll text you the next time I’m free, darling.”

“Thanks, mom…for including me in this…although, to be honest, I’m surprised you didn’t bring Emma along …”

“Why would I bring Miss Swan to pick a dog?”

Henry shrugged, a knowing smile on his face as he walked away, Regina shaking her head.

“Never have children, Kiara…” Regina chuckled when she got an odd look from the dog as a response, she then lead them out of the room, slightly surprised when Kiara followed easily, the paperwork going by quicker than she’d have thought and within minutes she was sending Henry home and bribing Kiara into the back seat of the Mercedes…which took a lot longer than adopting her did…and twice as many treats.

She looked into the rear-view mirror to find Kiara staring out the window, “You’re not getting treats every time we use the car.” She stated firmly.

Kiara dramatically turned around and look at her with those sad, big eyes and Regina was suddenly certain that she would indeed get treats whenever she got into the car.

 

* * *

 

 

She and Kiara were snuggled up on the couch, Regina reading a book while Kiara quietly slept sprawled out across her body, as Regina pet her in between turning the pages.

Kiara made things easier to handle, after a few days she started waking Regina from nightmares by nudging and licking her, when she had a flashback Kiara would nudge her hand with her nose, sometimes licking her and barking and when she wasn’t struggling it was nice to have someone around, and Robin just loved having a puppy in the house…even if Kiara wasn’t exactly a puppy anymore, the vet had confirmed she was about one or two years old. She was great, they hadn’t been around town much, Kiara wasn’t exactly perfect with people so they would play in the backyard or go for hikes in the woods, Kiara loved running through the trees and puddles…Regina had been planning on taking her to the beach later on, when she’s a little better around other people off leash…she just has a feeling she’ll love it.

Her phone buzzed on the table and she glanced over, she saw Emma’s name flashing on the screen, but looked back at the book figuring it was nothing, probably her just asking if she needed anything…and she was happy, content even, just reading her book with her dog. But then she got a text, and another and another so with a long sigh she carefully reached for her phone, looked at the screen and then her eyes widened in fear, her heart racing quickly, as she read the words lighting up her screen **“Something’s wrong with Hope. I need you.”**

“Shit…” She hissed, waking Kiara up and looked at her with big worried eyes, “We have to go, Kiara, there’s an emergency.” Kiara barked, moving off of Regina and jumping off the car when Regina’s feet hit the floor, following obediently after her as Regina walked quickly to the front door, stuffing her bare feet in the runners she uses when taking Kiara out for a walk and hastily throwing on her coat, she grabbed the new leather leash from the little pouch inside the closet door, hooked it onto Kiara’s collar and led her out the door, for the first time since Regina got Kiara over two weeks ago she jumped into the back seat as soon as Regina opened the back door, no bribing needed which made Regina relax just the slightest bit as she sped off down the street toward Emma’s large house.

 

* * *

 

 

She heard the wailing as soon as she was in front of the door, Kiara whimpering next to her making her glance down for a second before knocking on the door, fiddling with the leash in her hands as she heard the crying get closer, the door flew open a second later, her eyes widening as Emma stood before her with the now five month infant flailing about in her arms in just a diaper.

“Regina?”

Kiara barked loudly, as Regina asked the most pressing question, “What’s wrong?” It was the dog who got Emma’s attention though, her wide panicked eyes looking down at the virtual beast standing regally at Regina’s side.

“You got a dog?”

“Yes. Henry didn’t tell you?” Emma shook her head, her confusion taking away her urgency for a moment. “That’s not really important right now, Emma. Tell me what’s wrong with Hope.”

Emma nodded, “Right, she’s sick, fever, she won’t eat, take her meds…sleep…” she rushed out, stepping out of the doorway into the house, Regina followed after her, shutting the door and locking it as she followed Emma into the living room, Emma suddenly turned to look at her with frightened tear-filled eyes, “I don’t know what to do, Regina…”

Regina nodded, “Give her to me,” Regina held out her hands, Emma looked down at Kiara for a second before passing over Hope, Regina easily shifted her onto her hip as Hope continued to wail, holding out Kiara’s leash to Emma, who hesitantly took it from her. “What is her temp?”

Emma sniffled, using the back of her free hand to wipe her eyes, “101.7…it says if it’s 103 I should take her to the hospital…but–” she cut herself off with a sniffle, watching as Regina pressed the back of her hand to Hope’s forehead.

“Let’s see if we can get it down before we bring her to the hospital where she might catch even worse germs.”

“O-okay…” Regina looked around, rocking and bouncing in place, purple smoke surrounding her to remove her black trench, Emma noticed for the first time that Regina was standing before her in bare feet and pyjamas. “Did I wake you?”

Regina shook her head, walking toward the small vial of children’s Advil on the coffee table as she answered, “No, I was reading.”

“Oh…”

“Shhh, sweet girl, I gotcha, it’s going to be okay…” Emma yelped and Regina looked up in time to see Kiara dragging Emma toward her, “Kiara, sit.” She sat down but whimpered, looking at the sad baby. “Fine, but don’t take Miss Swan down this time.”

Emma let the dog lead her as Regina shifted Hope so she was laying in the crook of her arm, sitting when she was next to the couch, watching Kiara stare at Hope with sad eyes, licking her foot. “I-is she good with kids?”

Regina shrugged, “Henry says the breed is very good with them but this is her first time around a baby,” Emma’s eyes widened in panic, “ _but_ she is very good with Robin,” Emma deflated. “can you fill up the right dose, dear?” Emma looked down at the leash in her hand, “Kiara won’t go anywhere, relax, dear.”

Emma let the leash fall across her lap, taking the bottle of medication from the table and measuring the right amount in the syringe once more, she handed it over to Regina with unsure eyes, “I know you’re great with kids and all but like…she just keeps spitting it at me.”

“There’s a little trick I learnt with Henry,” Regina smiled, laying Hope down flat and sticking the syringe in her mouth, “Put it in her cheek a little at a time…” Regina explained as she did just that, Hope spat a little up but took most of it, as Emma stared down at her treacherous infant in wonder.

“You’re incredible…”

“It’s just practise,” she said, grabbing a receiving blanket from the couch and wiping Hope’s face, reaching out for the ear thermometer on the table and standing. “Second trick, warm bath.” She announced leading the way out of the living room, Kiara jogging after her, nails tapping on the hardwood and brown leather leash being pulled after her, Emma just stared in shock for a moment before jogging after them.

“Warm?”

“Mhmm,” Regina hummed, Emma barely having time to figure out how Regina knew where the master bathroom was in this place before remembering Regina had been the one sitting with her when she was waiting for the test results in that very bathroom.

“Why warm?”

“The goal is that as the bath cools she’ll cool with it.”

“Right…” Regina walked through her bedroom, not even batting an eye at the clothes thrown around it. “Sorry about the mess…”

“You have a baby, it’s to be expected.” Regina looked down at Kiara and smiled before she passed Hope back to Emma, “Hold her while I run the bath.” Emma nodded, cradling the still crying Hope to her chest as she slowly rocked her, trying to soothe her heavy cries.

Regina placed the thermometer on the bathroom counter before she sat on the edge of the tub, fiddling with the taps until she deemed the temperature suitable, wordlessly holding out her arms in request for Emma to pass over the baby, “Undress so you can get in with her.”

“What?!” Emma squeaked, eyes comically wide.

“You can remain in your undergarments.”

Emma looked ready to pass out as Regina impatiently rolled her eyes, passing back Hope; Emma took her, her mind still processing the earlier request,  so it wasn’t until Regina was pulling her own t-shirt over her head that Emma registered what was happening, another squeak leaving her mouth as Regina efficiently took Hope from her again, taking off her diaper and lowering herself in the tub, sitting Hope between her legs.

“Sit,” Regina demanded, completely unbothered, and Emma dropped onto the toilet, noticing too late that she was talking to the dog whimpering at the edge of the tub, “Lay down, Kiara, not you, Miss Swan.”

Emma frowned, her eyes looking all over Regina, her skin flushed brightly making Regina chuckle at her.

Kiara laid at the edge on the tub, looking up at Regina with usual big, sad eyes, though she was too busy focusing on calming Hope to notice, and Emma was too busy processing the fact that Regina was sitting in her bathtub, in just her underwear, cuddling Hope, and wiping down Hope’s arm’s and forehead with a washcloth she had just conjured up.

“How is she?” Emma squeaked when she realized that for the first time in hours, the house was quiet.

“She’s fine,” Regina husked, smoothing down the little tuft of curly black hair on Hope’s head. “Pass me the thermometer?”

Emma nodded, grabbing it and handing it to Regina, holding her breath as Regina took Hope’s temperature once more, the infant not exactly happy to have something in her ear but quietly squirming and whining instead of loudly wailing like earlier. “What is it?!” Emma asked as soon as it beeped, leaning forward hoping to get a look at it.

Regina smiled widely, “99.8.”

“Thank you so much!” Emma exclaimed in relief and shot up, kissing Regina’s forehead then reaching down to run her hand over Hope’s head, her fingers brushing over Regina’s belly making her gasp.

“W-we’re not in the clear yet but this is much better than it was…” Regina stuttered, staring at Emma’s ecstatic expression.

“It’s still down 2 degrees!”

“Yes…”

Emma nodded to herself, taking off her pants and shirt, climbing in the bath in front of Regina reaching out to hold Hope’s hands, “I’m so proud of you, baby girl.”

Regina’s eyes were the ones comically wide this time, running over Emma’s body as she slowly grew very red.

“I can’t believe you got a dog…” Emma says after awhile, Regina blinking a couple of times to focus on her.

“What?”

“A dog, I never pictured you as a dog person.”

Regina shrugged, trying not to focus on the feeling of Emma’s knee pressed against her bare calf. “I’ve always loved animals…and I find Pongo very calming during therapy…” Regina met her eyes, “I read they’re good for people with PTSD, so I just thought I’d get an animal, it wasn’t until I saw Kiara that I chose to get a dog.”

“She seems loyal,” Emma said, glancing away from playing with Hope’s feet to the dog sitting loyally right against the tub.

“Yes, we understand each other.”

“She’s beautiful,” Emma smiled, looking down at the chestnut colouring and the patch of white from her chest to her belly.

“She is…”

“Why Kiara?”

“What?” Regina blinked.

“The name, why’d you pick it? Why not like Nala or something? She is the more popular option."

“What are you going on about, Miss Swan?”

Emma chuckled, “The name, Kiara, it the name of Nala and Simba’s daughter from the Lion King 2.”

“Is it? I did not realize.”

Emma snickered, “So you just happened to pick the name of a Disney character for your dog?”

“I suppose I did.” Regina pursed her lips while Emma gazed at her with the dorkiest expression in her repertoire. “We should take Hope out before she gets cold.”

Emma nodded, the situation hitting her again and the grin slipping away as she reached out to pick up Hope forgetting that Regina’s hands were already over her belly, their eyes locking as soon as Emma’s hands touched hers, both of them going bright red at the touch, Regina squeezed her eyes as if to send away the memory of that night when they had too much to drink and…

“Sorry,” Emma breathed, letting her hands fall away before standing from the tub.

“I-it’s okay.” Regina stuttered, looking up at Emma before passing Hope up to her so she can wrap her in a towel, Regina reaching forward to let the water out of the tub.

Emma looked back at her to ask if she needed a towel but the words caught in her throat as she saw Regina bent over in lacy black panties that perfectly matched her bra…her ass just right in the air. Emma gulped, forcing her eyes to look away, again turning to head into her bedroom to place Hope in her crib so she could get changed, but suddenly she heard Regina scream. Emma hastily span around only to find an overly happy Kiara hovering over Regina, now laying in the tub, licking her face, tail wagging strongly as…Regina’s laughter filled the room, happy and carefree and it suddenly wrapped around Emma’s heart, completely filling her up.

“Mama.”

Everything froze in a second, Emma looked down at Hope who was looking up between her and Regina with a wobbling bottom lip, and Emma was sure she stopped breathing, hearing Regina’s gasp at the same time, turning to see her and Kiara sitting up in the tub, Regina’s hair now wet at the back but not caring at all because Hope had just said her first word.

“Was that?”

“Yeah…” Emma breathed, a smile spreading across her face in excitement, hugging Hope tightly to her chest and kissing the top of her head. “Yeah…I’m mama.”

Regina’s expression was one of love, hugging Kiara as she stared at Emma rocking Hope in her arms, shocked to realize that she too was crying along with Emma. She was honoured to get to witness this moment, something so big in her life and Regina had gotten to see it…share it with Emma…and unlike when the test came back as positive Regina couldn’t be anymore ecstatic over witnessing this milestone.

Emma looked up at Regina, smiling at her through her sudden tears. “I–” she shook her head, smile a little shyer when meeting Regina’s eyes again. “I’m going to get changed and get her ready for bed before she pees on me.”

Regina nodded, “Of course, we need to dry off still,” the ‘we’ directed to Kiara whose tail was still thumping happily against the bathtub.

“Of course, come find me after.”

“Right, of course…” Regina smiled at her as Emma slowly left the room as Regina let out a long sigh and fell back in the bathtub, “I was just half naked in a tub with Emma Swan…” Kiara barked and Regina looked up at her, “And her daughter…with the pirate, thanks for reminding me.”

Kiara growled at the mention of him, Regina suspecting that he was the one that helped bring her into the shelter.

“Yeah, he kidnapped me too…” She said as she reached out for Kiara who licked her fingers, Regina smiled at her. “Alright, out.” Kiara at once listened and jumped out of the tub, then Regina painstakingly pulled herself out, “I’m getting too old for this…”

Regina slipped off her damp underwear, draping it over the side of the tub as she grabbed the last of the towels hanging in the bathroom, wrapping it around herself as she looked down at Kiara, shaking her head. “You’re not  _too_ wet…nothing the blow-dryer can’t fix…”

Kiara barked and Regina smiled widely down at her, plugging in the device sitting on the counter and pointing it at her dog, knowing very well Kiara thinks it’s a fun game and will be chasing her through the bathroom for it.

Emma was standing in her bedroom holding onto a light onesie when she saw the large dog make a beeline out of the bathroom, stopping in the middle of the room and jumping around, barking as she bent down, her butt up in the air and tail wagging happily, playful as Regina called out her name over the sound of the hairdryer, laughter evident in her voice, suddenly reminding Emma she hadn’t seen Regina this happy since they last played with Robin together when the girl was only about 3.

“Get back here your butt is still wet!” She called, as Kiara kept barking, Emma could only stare in wonder as Regina walked out after her wrapped only in a white towel, but the real stunning feature was the huge, warm smile on her face.

Regina suddenly turned around when she heard a small gasp behind her, as if she had forgotten she was in Emma’s house “You’re stunning…”

At once Regina’s mouth fell open, barely registering Kiara who was looking at her weirdly since they were no longer playing. “What?”

Emma blushed brightly, “I uh…nothing…” she turned toward Hope again, sitting her up to slip the onesie over her head as she tried to ignore the surprised eyes burning into her back, a bark heard in the room a few moments later followed by Regina’s soothing voice.

“Yes, okay, Kiara, I’m going.” The bathroom door shutting behind Regina a second later.

“Your mama is an idiot.” She whispered, as Hope stared up at her in confusion, Emma let out a long sigh and laid her back down to do up the snaps at the bottom, pacing the bedroom until Regina returned.

 

* * *

 

 

It took a long while to get Hope to go to sleep but eventually she passed out after Regina paced Emma’s room with her a few hundred times, her small still feverish body pressed against Regina’s bare chest after she spit up milk all over her sleep shirt about an hour earlier. Regina bounced with Hope, still quietly singing a lullaby as she watched Emma sleeping like the dead on her own bed…Regina wondering when they became so domestic.

Kiara watching Regina from the foot of the bed, making sure she was okay…and oddly, she was perfectly happy in this very hectic moment.

Regina let out a big yawn after a few moments, glancing over at the alarm clock and her whole body felt the need to cry when she saw the time, 3am…where had the time gone? She placed her cheek against Hope’s head, letting her eyes drift shut for a second before she just decided to slowly walk to the other side of the bed, laying down with Hope pressed to her chest, Kiara sitting up like she wanted to come cuddle with her, nuzzled between her and Emma. “No, lay down.” Kiara whimpered but did what was asked.

Regina glanced over at Emma, taking in the dark bags under her eyes and the worried crinkling of her forehead even in sleep. She was a beautiful sight to see, freckles splattered across her face and down her arms, blonde hair in absolute disarray, clumps of baby food in one spot reminding Regina of when Henry was this little…and how there were a lot of things she missed but also some she really didn’t…like flying baby food and sleepless nights.

Regina didn’t notice she fell asleep until she woke up with a screaming baby wriggling on her chest and the early morning sun streaming in through the gaps in the curtains. “Shhhh,” She husked, sluggishly rubbing Hope’s back to calm her.

“Shh, go to sleep I got her,” She heard Emma say, eyes squinting open to look at her as Emma took Hope from her arms, sitting against the pillows as she repositioned Hope in the crook of her left arm before she reached out for Regina’s hand on her belly, thumb caressing the back of her hand soothingly until Regina fell back asleep for a bit longer.

She woke up again when she felt the bed shift, looking down at Hope sprawled out on her back in the middle of the mattress cute little snores leaving her mouth, Regina looking for Emma and locating her as she stumbled through the barely lit room to the bathroom. Regina turned on her side, rubbing Hope’s belly like she used to do for Henry when he was sick, dozing off for a second waking up again when Emma sat back down in bed, curling up around Hope, her knees bumping Regina’s making her look up at meet sleepy green eyes.

“Hi,” Emma husked and Regina offered her a sleepy grin. “Thank you…”

“Mmm, no problem, darling.”

Emma offered her a dopey smile, “Who knew I just needed a sick baby to get you half naked in my bed….”

Regina’s laugh was slow and still half sleep, feeling Emma’s hand slowly rest on hers making a long content sigh burst from deep within looking down between them as she muttered. “Yes, with alcohol we never made it home.”

“Regina…”

Regina looked back up at her with slightly sad eyes, “What?”

“You weren’t a mistake.”

Regina let out a bitter chuckle, her eyes falling back down to Hope and their hands…wondering if this is what their life had looked like if she told Emma how she felt before the pirate wormed his way into Emma’s life.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

Regina looked back up, not bothering to deny it because it was a statement, not a question, she was found out, the sadness in Emma’s eyes making her have to look away again, focus on the small peaceful face of Hope, who looked just like her mother except of course her hair and oddly dark complexion considering her parentage.

“Why?”

“It hurt too much…”

“What did?”

Tears rolled down Regina’s cheeks, “Everything…seeing you, seeing her, longing and anger twisting around…I was scared I’d lash out, hurt you again…but–” she cut herself off, closing her eyes away from the world around her, focusing on Hope’s breathing under her hand instead of Emma’s hand on hers, focusing on the shifting as Kiara shifted, curling up so her head was resting on Regina’s calves.

“But?”

Regina squeezed her eyes shut as anger started creeping up her chest, clawing at her innards viciously, making her want to scream and smother Emma…and then Emma’s thumb ran over her knuckles and it slowly eased a bit, violent rage dissipating to a simmering one. “I’m still so hurt, I don’t want to be, I understand that you weren’t fully yourself back then…that you’re sorry but…that hurt is just still so fresh to me…I still have that ache in my chest from losing you, I still hear Henry angry cries about how he felt worthless in your eyes…unloved…that hurt, Emma, it’s hard to look past sometimes.”

“I don’t want you to.”

Regina’s eyes snapped open to look at her, “What?”

“I don’t want you to bury your hurt because I’m also hurting…we agreed we’d work on this, didn’t we? You need to be honest and open for that to work…”

“I know…”

Emma caressed her hands again, getting her to look back at her, “What else is bugging you?”

“Besides my anger?” Emma nodded, “I’m just tired of everyone fretting over me, I know you’re worried about me, you all are but…it’s too much…you’re all smothering me…”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yes, I’ll no longer hover or constantly ask if you’re okay… _but_ in exchange for my not hovering I want to eat lunch with you at least once a week…so I don’t worry too much.”

“That feels an awful lot like hovering.”

“Probably…but I worry when I don’t hear from you or see you…and I think Hope will really like seeing you more.”

“Using the baby against me…that’s cold, Swan.”

Emma rolled her eyes, looking down at the dog curled up with Regina, “Maybe sometimes Hope and I can go for walks with you and Kiara? So she gets used to me and a baby…”

Regina pondered that, looking back down at Hope, her heart soaring at the idea of spending more time with her…of more time with Emma. She met her eyes once again, “Okay, but if I’m not up for it no guilt tripping.”

“Deal.”

Regina smiled lovingly at her, thinking about what happened tonight and just how she wound up here in Emma’s bed.

Emma on the other hand was busy imprinting the moment into her memory, how Regina looked half naked in her bed, black lace bra and smooth tanned skin, how she looked as the rising sun danced over her body, shimmered in her eyes making them sparkle, eyes tracing over the small freckles here and there. She wondered if the rest of Regina felt as soft as her hands did…

Emma memorized how the sun brought out the different shades in Regina’s hair. Traced over the slope of her nose, her thick eyelashes, and the scar on her lip. Traced over every millimetre of Regina because she was almost certain she’d never get a chance to see this again, and this moment, as domestic as it was, warmed Emma up with more love then she even thought she could feel, Regina now fast asleep in her bed, hand resting over Hope and Kiara at their feet…Emma finally understood what she’d always been looking for in Hook, understanding now that it was something she had with Regina, with Henry, with her little makeshift family that’s now just grown in size with three kids, a granddaughter, and a daughter-in-law…Emma finally found family, love, and it was always right there, in front of her.

She fell asleep again watching Regina as she slept feeling safe in this large house for the first time since she got it.

 

* * *

 

 

They woke up hours later to a faint buzzing from the nightstand, this time though as they came too they realized their calves were now tangled together, their bodies closer, Emma’s hand on Regina’s hip while Regina’s still laid over Hope. But the most shocking thing was that when they shifted closer in their sleep they had pressed their foreheads together, their noses brushing against each other with each breath that ghosted over their lips.

Regina’s heart was humming in her chest as she registered how they were sleeping, her brain trying to figure out how to sneak out before Emma realized but the second she opened her eyes she met Emma’s instantly, both of them freezing as they stared, unsure what to do, scared to move. Regina was having a hard time focusing on anything other than Emma’s hand on her hip, on Emma’s thumb brushing against her bare skin…everything was just so…the buzzing started again, Regina realizing it was a phone which gave her the perfect excuse to pull away from Emma…but it took a long time to get her body to even thing about moving and just as she was about to move Emma squeezed her hip making Regina focus on her eyes once again.

Emma’s hand trailed up her body, Regina’s breath catching in her throat, her heart stopping as her body waited for what Emma was going to do and then slowly, Emma’s fingers brushed over her cheek in the lightest touch, like she was scared she’d vanish or crumble if she moved too fast, if her touch was too prominent.

Regina’s eyes drifted shut at the contact, all at once the air escaped her lungs and her heart started up again, pulse thumping in her ears, her body singing at the soft touch that she never thought she’d feel. Leaning into the touch as a tear escaped her eyes, Emma brushing it away with her thumb…love surrounding them almost dizzyingly.

Regina leaned forward unconsciously her lips hovering over Emma’s barely touching, breath mingling together and Regina felt like they were floating in midair, she never wanted to leave this moment, to lose the feeling of Emma’s touch against her skin.

“R’gina…”

It hit her suddenly, like a punch to the gut, the air leaving her again as her eyes shot open, studying Emma’s face, meeting curious eyes, _“this was a mistake”_ echoing around her brain as a warning…as a reminder of the last time she kissed Emma…of–

Kiara barked, nudging Regina’s back with her nose, the sound waking Hope with a loud wail and Regina leaped out of bed, breathing, “She must need to go out,” grabbing a shirt from a chair in Emma’s room and rushing out of the room, Kiara right by her side as Regina felt her phone buzzing in her hand, realizing as she made her escape out the back door in just shorts and that she grabbed it.

“What the hell am I doing?!” She hissed at the dog as she pulled Emma’s shirt over her head, Kiara looking at her funny, unsurely, waiting for the go-ahead to go find a place to go to the washroom.

She stared down at the phone, 4 missed calls from Zelena…just realizing she missed breakfast as 10:38 stared up at her on her phone screen before it started buzzing again, this time she answered. “I know, I’m sorry.”

“Where the hell are you?! Are you okay?!”

“Yes, I’m fine, I just overslept.”

“Don’t you dare lie to me I’m staring at your empty bed right now, Regina, it doesn’t even look slept in and there’s an unfinished cup of tea on the coffee table!”

Regina ran her hand through her hair, an unsteady sigh leaving her mouth, “I’m fine, Zelena, Emma called last night–”

“Wait, you spent the night with the saviour?”

“It’s not like that…” Regina sighed, “Not really…” Her face twisted up unsurely before she dropped to sit on one of the lawn chairs, watching Kiara sniff around.

“What does that mean?”

“Hope is sick.”

“Oh, that’s what that means.”

“She needed my help.”

Zelena let out a long sigh, Regina burying her head in her hands as she waited, “You really worried us…”

“Us?” She asked, cringing, her whole world crashing around her as she heard a banging on Emma’s front door, “What did you do?!” She hissed, standing up to look through the open back door, Kiara abandoning her business to rush to Regina’s side, barking toward the banging.

“Uh…”

“Zelena…”

“I may have called Henry…and Ry…and Roger’s…Margot and Alice too…”

“Did you call everyone?!”

“I plead the fifth.”

Kiara barked again and Hope’s cries got louder and she watched Emma pass by the hall leading outback, clutching the infant to her chest. Regina grabbed Kiara’s collar as she made to rush the door. “Down, girl.”

“Me?”

“Not you!” Regina sighed, shaking her head, “I’ll deal with you later, now I have to go clean up your mess! I’m a grown woman, Zelena!”

“I was worried…”

“I know…I know…” Regina sighed, slipping quietly through the door and walking through the halls on her tippy toes, Kiara next to her still on red alert wanting to get to the door, to Hope and Emma…after all, she was basically Regina’s guard dog some days.

She froze when she heard Henry’s voice loudly announce, “Mom’s missing!” holding Kiara back as she peeked around the corner to spot not just Henry standing in Emma’s doorway but also Ry, and the Charming’s.

Regina’s heart plummeting as she saw the worry on their faces…wondering how in the hell she was even going to begin to explain this…Regina so distracted on how she was doing to explain her state of dress to her sons that she let her grasp on Kiara loosen just the slightest bit that when she lunged forward again she broke free from Regina’s grasp, making her stumble out into the hallway as Kiara announced herself by loudly barking and growling at the bunch gathered in the door, everyone turning to look at her, eyes widening when they saw her…

“Shit…I need to go.” Regina muttered before she hung up, staring at most of her family as they stared at her, in Emma’s T-shirt, sleep shorts that looked more like they belonged to Emma than her, and dishevelled hair.

“Mom?!” Henry screeched, looking her over and Regina couldn’t help but blush, waving not unlike Emma did when she first stood on Regina’s doorstep.

“Gross!” Ry yelled, his and Henry’s face both scrunching up at the same time.

Kiara stood between them, growling dangerously. “Shh, Kiara, it’s okay…” She said, her voice didn’t sound okay, Kiara picking up on her fears and barking again at them, head turning to look at Regina then back to Emma with Hope wailing away in her arms.

“It’s not what you think!” Regina implored, stepping forward to try and calm down Kiara.

Emma nodded, “Yeah, she just came over cause Hope’s sick!”

Regina kneeled down next to Kiara, hugging her to her chest, “Shh, girl, it’s okay, nobody is in danger, calm down…” She kissed her head and then Emma turned just in time to see a puff of purple smoke conjure up a stuffed lion in Regina’s hand. “You want your toy?” Kiara stopped growling, her tail wagging instantly at the sight of it and Regina kissed her head again. “Here you go,” she gave the toy to Kiara who instantly started gnawing on it, Regina rubbing her head before she stood up, arms crossing over her chest as she looked at the gathering before her, slowly making her way toward them.

“You came over to help with Hope?” Henry asked, eyeing them carefully, skepticism written clearly over his face.

“Yes, she had a fever last night and Emma called me to come help.”

“Why didn’t you call me?” Snow asked with a pout, watching them both, her answer coming as soon as Regina scooped Hope out of Emma’s arms and in infant stopped crying, a small “oh,” leaving her mouth.

“Yeah…Regina is just really good at this parenting stuff…” Emma looked shyly over at her, silently finishing her statement that Regina had no problem understanding…because Emma calmed her too.

“Zelena overreacted, that’s all, as you can see I’m perfectly fine, we were just sleeping and missed the calls.”

“We?”

“As in together?”

Henry and Ry quarried and she and Emma instantly blushed.

“We fell asleep taking care of Hope.”

“Nothing happened.”

They said at the same time, but they both looked guilty knowing that something very nearly did happen and if Kiara hadn’t had to go to the bathroom this would be very awkward for a completely different reason.

“I’m fine, go home, to your families.” Regina dismissed, “I’ll see you boy’s tomorrow for lunch at, okay?”

“Yes, mom,” They said at the same time, Henry eyeing her unsurely before he leaned forward, kissing her cheek and stepping toward the door, Ry kissing her on the cheek then hugging Emma before he followed.

“Sorry,” Charming smiled awkwardly, kissing Emma on the cheek and touching Snow’s shoulder to tell her it’s time to go while she just stared at Hope at Regina with big confused eyes. “Sweetie?”

“Yes, right,” Snow shook her head, squeezing Regina’s arm and kissing Hope’s head then she moved to give Emma a tight hug, whispering, “We will talk later.” Before she kissed her on the cheek and stepped through the now open door, looking back at the pair as Henry pulled the door closed behind them.

“That was…” Emma trailed off and Regina let out an unsteady laugh.

“Yeah…coffee?”

“Can’t breastfeeding…”

“Right…” Regina pursed her lips until a smile quirked them up slightly, “Chocolate chip pancakes?”

“Now we’re talkin!”

Kiara padded up to them then, whimpering slightly, “Shit…”

“What?”

“She never went!” Regina thrust Hope into Emma’s arms, grabbing Kiara’s collar and leading her quickly through the hallways to the backyard, “I’m so sorry, sweetheart!”

 

* * *

 

 

After that morning Emma was a little shyer, barely looking at her during their scheduled lunches that _she_ made Regina agree to. But Regina just figured it was because of their close call followed by their whole family showing up at Emma’s door looking for her…this whole thing seemed to be a two steps forward five steps back kind of situation. It was awkward and weird and it all started the day after when she caught Emma and Snow talking in the diner, obviously about her when Emma had told her to drop it before staring at Regina like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

She wasn’t entirely sure what it was about, she didn’t catch much of the discussion but since then Emma can barely look at her and when she does…she stares…and not her usual stares, no, these were different, almost unnerving, like she was trying to find something on Regina’s face.

It got to a point where Emma missed out on the walks she also requested to do with her and Kiara, and when she cancelled a lunch Regina had enough, if she wasn’t allowed to bail than neither was Emma! So one morning Regina drove to Emma’s house and knocked on the front door, her every instinct wanted to bang but she refused to upset poor Hope.

“Now _you’re_ avoiding me,” Regina barged in as soon as the door opened, not giving Emma even a second to register who she was, Kiara bumping into Emma’s knee making her stumble as she stared after dog and owner as they stood in the foyer, Regina’s hands on her hips and sporting a very disappointed glower…one that Kiara somehow mirrored.

“What?”

“You. Are. Avoiding. Me. What part of that statement do you not understand, Miss Swan?”

“I’m not–”

“Don’t you dare lie to me, Swan! What happened to “ _if we want this to get better we have to be honest with each other_ ”?”

Emma sighed, crossing her arms over her chest as she looked at her fiddling feet. “I’m sorry…I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately…”

Regina deflated slightly, taking a hesitant step forward. “Did I do something wrong? Was it because of the other day…when we…”

“No!” Emma rushed, head shooting up to look at her. “No…not that…not really…my mom just…said something to me and I’m having a hard time with it…”

“What did she say? Is she trying to pressure you to get back with the pirate? Because I can–”

“No, Regina, not that…she sees now what he was like…it’s something else…”

“What?”

Emma shrugged, fingers tapping on her arm before she dropped them, eyes tracing over Regina’s face but her gaze was blank calculated before she looked away, over Regina’s shoulder at the wall. “I should check on Hope…”

“Emma…” Regina sighed, following after her, “You can tell me anything; you do know that, right?”

Emma paused, glancing behind her. “Of course I do…”

“Than what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know how to tell you…I don’t even know how to process any of it right now…I mean it’s impossible…crazy even and yet…”

“Let me help you…” Emma didn’t answer, she just looked at Hope strapped in the little swing in the living room playing with a stuffed toy Regina got her the last time they met up.

“Mama!” Hope exclaimed when her eyes looked up spotting the two in the room, Emma almost looking pained…her eyes locked on Regina as the infant made grabby hands toward them.

“I think she wants you, dear.”

“She doesn’t…” Emma sounded despondent as she traced over Hope’s features. “Do you think she looks like me?”

Regina frowned, looking at Emma worriedly before she approached the infant still grabbing at them, muttering mama repeatedly. “Are you okay, Emma?”

“Just tired…”

Regina glanced at her one more time before she turned off the swing and bent down to undo the buckles holding Hope in place, picking her up in one swift motion, attention focused on Hope patting her chest that she missed the longing look in Emma’s eyes as Hope cheerfully exclaimed mama before resting against Regina’s chest.

“Do you think she looks like Hook?” Regina’s attention snapped back to Emma’s in an instant, looking at the almost frail woman sitting on the couch… “I don’t think she does…”

“She has his hair…”

“It’s not his,” Emma shook her head, running her hands over her face. “His is black.”

“Then Snow’s. What’s this even about?”

“It’s not Snow’s…hers is black too…Hope’s is more of a dark brown…”

“Maybe she got it from a distant relative…I believe your father’s mother was brunette.” Emma shook her head, leaning back into the couch, Regina watching her with unsure eyes. “What’s wrong, Emma? You’re worrying me.”

“Nothing…I just…I have a lot on my mind…”

“Regarding Hope’s looks?”

“Something like that…” Emma sighed, looking at Regina and Hope, that searching calculating look in her eyes again making Regina shift uneasily. “She’s got brown eyes, dark nearly black hair…and her complexion…”

“I think you’re sleep deprived, dear, you’re starting to sound insane.”

“I know!” Emma threw up her arms, Regina taking a cautious step back, looking at Hope than down to Kiara who growled slightly at the gesture, Emma looking at her with apologetic eyes. “I don’t know anything anymore, Regina…everything I thought I knew…it might all be wrong.”

“You’re no longer allowed to talk to your mother.”

Emma chuckled, “Please pass on the memo to her…”

Regina looked around the house before back at Emma, staring at the large bags under her eyes and her obviously dirty hair. “You need a break…” Emma looked up at her in confusion, “Why don’t I take Hope for the day, you can sleep…and shower…maybe wrap your mind around whatever is bouncing around that head of yours.”

“You want to watch her? For me?”

“Yes, we were supposed to go on a walk anyways so I’ll take her for the day, bring her back tonight…or in the morning.”

“You’d do that?”

“Of course. I’m going to be completely blunt with you, darling. You really don’t look too good…and you sound damn near outta your mind.”

“Gee thanks.”

Regina smirked at her, adjusting Hope on her hip as she asked, “It’s not like I haven’t done it three times already…”

“If you’re sure…”

“Of course I am. I wouldn’t offer if I wasn’t.”

Emma’s lower lip wobbled slightly. “You’re too nice…after everything I’ve done…”

“Will you stop?!”

“Sorry…” Emma looked away, moving to stand up, “I’ll go pack her a bag…”

“Nonsense, I think I can handle that, you relax.”

“Regina you don’–”

“Miss Swan, sit down and shut up, that is an order from your queen,” Emma’s eyes widened and she turned bright red suddenly, mouth wide open in shock. “Good girl,” And with that, she turned on her heel and headed upstairs to pack a bag for Hope for the day.

 

* * *

 

 

After Emma smothered Hope in kisses and told her she loved her about a hundred times Regina was out the door with a bag of supplies and another with a few pouches of milk, brushing off Emma’s offering of jarred baby food since Regina was more than capable of making it herself…decided that she’d start making it for Emma from now on so she wouldn’t be feeding the poor child that disgustingly bland food.

“Okay, baby girl, first we drop off some things at home and then, what do you say we go for a nice walk?”

Hope just gurgled in response, Regina smiled at her as she strapped her into the car seat she had conjured up, Kiara sat in the middle, her tail thumping happily as she rested her head on the edge of the seat.

“Alright, girls, we are ready to go.”

She pulled up at the mansion a few minutes later, quickly unstrapping Hope and carrying her and the stuff into the house, she then conjured Robin’s old high chair and crib out of storage, placed Hope in the highchair and dropped a collection of her toys on the tray as she went to put away the milk and look at what she had that she could make into food, “What do you like, baby girl?”

Regina looked behind her to the happy squealing and laughing coming from the baby, and she smiled at the sight of Kiara licking the bottoms of Hope’s feet. “Your mother seemed to have a lot of apple filled or banana filled foods plus potatoes and sweet potatoes…so how about we start there…but spice it up a bit, huh?” Regina shook her head at herself, and looked down at Kiara, “Stop. Lie down.” And just like that Kiara flopped onto the floor under Hope’s feet, tail thumping against the tiled floor.

Regina wrote a short list of things she’d need from the store, “How do you feel about chicken? Your brother loved it too.” Regina smiled nostalgically. “How about we start with bananas and apples for our walk and then we can pick up some things from the store, you can have a very exciting dinner for once, baby girl.”

She summoned the food she’d need and a couple of empty jars, peeling the fruits and dropping the apples in a blender before manually mashing the bananas, filling up both jars and then, as she looked at the leftover mush in both containers she grinned, mixing them both together and filling a third jar, excited to see how it would go over with the infant.

After more than enough food was made Regina put the crib in her room with most of the stuff she had packed for Hope, only taking the necessities with her, stuffing it all into a backpack that she threw on after she strapped the carrier to her chest, Hope’s feet excitedly kicking into her sides as she hooked on Kiara’s leash and headed out the door, a little hat protecting Hope’s head from the afternoon sun.

 

* * *

 

The day was actually going very well, they had a nice hike through the woods, Hope’s utter fascination with a leaf they found nearly halfway into their trip warmed Regina’s heart, the little oohs and ahhhs she muttered quietly as she stared at the different colours on it was probably the cutest thing Regina had ever seen, going so far as sending a video to Emma hoping it would brighten her mood a little bit. Not to mention the constant giggling over Kiara leaping over logs and rolling around in bushes…it was all amazing and it just reminded Regina of how much she loved and missed babies…especially at this age when they were getting small bits of language and mimicking every sound they hear.

Regina decided they would stop at Granny’s after their walk, Kiara was getting better with people so Regina could tie her up out front with no problem…sure it involved giving her treats whenever she didn’t bark at people passing by but…it worked, Granny even went as far as to set up a dog house and food and water bowls for her in the corner of the patio, Kiara mainly lounging in the dog house the whole time, her head resting on her toy lion Emma so proudly dubbed Simba.

After changing Hope she sat in a booth, Hope in her lap with a bib on that had a little unicorn on it and “Everything is magical with mommy” stitched into it. Hope slapped at the table in front of them babbling senselessly, Regina humming here and there in response as she stirred the food together. “Oh yeah? Are you excited to try this?”

Hope gurgled reaching for the spoon making Regina chuckle and move the spoon toward her mouth, only paying attention to the small girl as she happily devoured the mix of apples and bananas, grabbing onto Regina’s hand trying to feed herself whenever the spoon got close, making little mmms here and there completely melting Regina’s heart; she was placing a kiss to Hope’s hat covered head as she scraped food from the jar when suddenly a loud bark sounded from outside, Regina knew at once that it was Kiara and was about to get up  to see what was upsetting her when she saw the pirate standing in the doorway, opening just in time for Regina to hear him swear.

“Damn dog.”

Hope whined when she didn’t get her food, Hook turning from the growling dog to look at the noise, meeting Regina’s eyes instantly before they fell on Hope trying to grab onto the spoon.

“Great…” They both said.

Then the unthinkable happened, Hope screamed, “mama!” at the top of her lungs, while pulling at Regina’s arm clearly trying to get her to feed her, but it appeared the whole diner froze in that instant, Regina looked at the infant in shock while Hook looked around for Emma, when neither said anything else, everyone in the diner slowly started chattering to themselves.

“No, not mama, Regina.”

“Mama,” Hope pouted, her dark eyes glaring up at Regina.

Regina sighed, moving the spoon to Hope’s mouth as she whispered, “We will talk about this later, baby girl.”

“Mmmm” Hope said in response clapping her chubby hands together happily, Regina unable to stop her heart from swelling once more, kissed her head before resting her cheek atop it, swaying slightly.

She ignored the strange looks from the pirate, focusing instead on wiping the food from Hope’s face and hands before she reattached the carrier to her chest, standing from the booth to slip the girl into place and throwing her backpack back over her shoulders, Hope’s front now pressed to hers, mumbling sleepily to herself, her small hand tucked under her chin.

 

* * *

 

Hope napped well into the afternoon, Regina got some cooking done, jarred the foods she had made earlier and stuck them in the freezer, humming to herself as she diligently cleaned up; at a little after 2 pm, when Hope finally woke, Regina tossed the cloth onto the counter as she moved quickly upstairs to where she had put the baby down.

“I’m coming, baby girl…” Regina said as she walked in the room, Hope standing up in the crib with tears rolling down her face. “Oh!”

“Mama!”

“You’re standing!”

“Mama!”

Regina summoned her phone, snapping a picture just in case this was a first before she rushed to the small girl. “You little overachiever!”

As Hope snuggled into her neck, Regina checked her diaper as she swayed back and forth to sooth the waking girl, deciding that she did indeed need a change so once she was settled she did just that before carrying her back downstairs. “What would you like to do? I found some fun toys Robin used to love, wanna check those out?”

Hope babbled back at her so Regina took that as a yes, the two soon sitting on a blanket on her living room floor, playing with a singing piano, Kiara laying close by, watching over them.

While Hope was busy investigating her feet Regina texted Emma the photo, and then another one when she looked up to find Kiara curled around Hope, garbled laughter filling the room before Hope dropped her feet, turning her head to look at Regina and just for a split second she was started by something that was so familiar but after a second she shook it off, sure she was imagining seeing her own eyes in Hope’s.

“She stood?!”

Regina screamed when she heard the voice, turning to see Emma standing in the door to the living room with wide eyes. “Don’t. _Do_. That!” Regina held her hand to her chest while Kiara growled now standing over Hope as her protector. “Shit!”

“Sorry…I got excited…”

Regina laughed, a kind of insane disbelieving laugh as she fell down onto the carpet, reaching out to pet Kiara’s side to calm her…Hope utterly oblivious as she reached up toward Kiara’s belly to pet her.

“So she stood?”

Regina looked at Emma now shuffling awkwardly in the doorway, a long sigh leaving her mouth before she sat up. “Yes, she stood.”

“Wow…”

“Yeah…” Regina smiled goofily. “It’s amazing, huh?”

“It really is!” Emma exclaimed, moving farther into the room, picking Hope up and hugging her tightly.

“You seem better,” Regina noted.

“I am…I took a nap, showered…napped again.”

“Good, you really needed it.”

“I did…How have you two been doing? Had an exciting day?”

“Mmm, we did. Went for a hike, had lunch at Granny’s–”

“Saw Hook…”

Regina chuckled awkwardly, “You heard, huh?”

“Oh yeah, he called, ranting about what you were doing with his daughter and why she was calling you mama…I have to admit it was really entertaining.”

“Yes…I can’t seem to get her to stop that…”

“Funny,” Emma sighed, caressing Hope’s chubby cheek, “I can’t get her to call me it most of the time.”

“What?”

Emma chuckled at the shocked expression, “Yeah…she seems to call me–”

“Ma!” Hope gripped her cheeks in glee.

“That…she only ever says mama when you’re around…”

“Why would she call me mama?” Regina laughed at the ridiculousness of this information.

“My mom has a theory and…I think I agree with her…it really set in when I saw you with her today…”

“What did? What are you talking about, Emma?!”

“Okay...somehow I think she might not be Hook’s after all…”

Regina felt like she got the rug pulled out from under her, ringing in her ears as Emma looked at her with anxious eyes, Regina trying to wrap her head around everything…how was she not the pirate’s, the only other person Emma slept with was… “I don’t understand…”

“She’s yours, Regina, somehow, I don’t really know but, she’s your daughter…”

“You’re insane!” Regina laughed maniacally, combing her hand through her hair as she looked across the blanket at Emma and Hope. “That’s impossible…”

“She looks just like you, Regina…can’t you see it?”

Regina looked at Hope who was staring at her with big brown eyes that mirrored her own. “No, she’s n-not…this is impossible…I can’t…she can’t.”

“She is, deep down I knew the second I had her…”

“Stop,” Regina held up a hand to silence her, her heart was clenching in her chest and she was suddenly having a very hard time breathing. She closed her eyes to block out everything, trying to center herself, feeling the weight of Kiara’s head in her lap nudging her hand with her nose. “This can’t be…”

“Regina…are you okay?”

Regina’s eyes snapped open, remembering Emma’s hurtful words the night they had slept together… _‘This was a mistake’_ and a week after _‘it hurts to look at you…it might be easier if we don’t see each other for awhile…’_ “I need you to leave…”

“What?” Emma screeched, clutching Hope protectively to her chest. “No! We gotta talk about this!”

“No we don’t…” Regina’s hand tightened into a fist. “What I need is for you to get out of my house, Swan.”

“Regina…”

“I said get out!” she pointed angrily toward the door, Emma stared at her shaking hand, backing away slightly.

“Regina…”

“Get out of my fucking house, Miss Swan!”

Kiara sensed her unease, suddenly standing from Regina’s lap and moving in front of her, growling dangerously while Hope wailed, scared and upset from Regina’s loud tone but Regina was having a hard time hearing anything over the memories that were bombarding her.

“O-okay…I’ll go…” Emma looked at her heartbrokenly, whispering, “I’m sorry.” as she left the room, Regina waited until she heard the front door close to let herself break down, curling herself into a small ball, Kiara laying right against her, whimpering quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! Please comment, I really do want to know what y'all think of it! 
> 
> -Ang <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is NSFW :P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIYA!! Sorry about this long ass wait ahaha but migraine turned into the flu and then well my laptop decided it no longer wanted to do its job and well it got a corrupted hard drive so I had to replace that...long story short....my luck sucks and I am so sorry but well! Here is chapter 4 hope you all enjoy it!!! 
> 
> -Ang

 

Images and words swam and circled through Regina’s mind, twisting around her until she couldn’t breathe, until she was numb and scared…so scared. She could feel her magic creating almost a dome around her and Kiara while it hummed through the room, it made the ground below her rumble and glass crack in the window frames.

She felt herself losing control the moment Emma’s words registered in her mind, while voices taunted and memories wrapped around her, squeezing tightly around her heart.

_“This was a mistake.”_

_“Love is weakness”_

_“Stupid girl.”_

_“I found my real mom.”_

_“You’re a monster.”_

_“You’re incapable of love.”_

_“This was a mistake.”_

She laid there on the floor, derisive words tearing her mind to shreds like a lion tearing into its prey.

Her skin felt like it was left bare, her soul exposed to the evil parts of her mind, clawing into her and dragging her down that dark hole she had lived in for so long…the only place she had ever felt safe because nothing could hurt her when she was there…when she was guarded and angry, when she had a steel wall of rage built up around her to keep all emotions in and all pain out…where she could curl up behind and hide, block away the trauma she would suffer at her husband’s hands.

The voice she had once thought belonged to the Evil Queen slithering in her ear, whispering, consoling, begging her to let it protect her…but she now knows it hadn’t been her other half, it’s always been her own inner voice, one that was created long ago when she was just a child and her mother struck her for the first time, a voice that took over when Daniel was killed, when she was forced to marry the king…a voice that took hold as the Evil Queen, and even after they split it still resided in Regina, a voice, a fractured part of her mind built to protect her, there, never really lost, waiting until it got to be too much and Regina just needed to breathe…when it was like welcoming home an old friend, like a blanket wrapped around her, telling her she would be okay. But Regina knew better, knows now that sure, it hurt less when she let go, when she let that part of her mind take the reins for just a little bit…but in the end, it brought nothing but misery to everyone…herself included.

So she clenched her fists, the pain of her nails digging into her palm centring her enough for her to get enough energy to send herself somewhere she could be safe, that’s all she did, she thought of safety, and she was taken away.

 

* * *

 

“Regina!” She heard a voice yell, Kiara’s barks filling the space for a moment, before quieting. “Regina, what’s wrong?” She felt a hand on her arm and she opened her eyes to meet the striking blue eyes of her sister’s, “Are you hurt?”

She slowly shook her head, feeling her magic start to dissipate around her, looking around them before locking back on Zelena. “I-I can’t b-breathe.”

“It’s okay, I got you,” Zelena whispered, laying down on her living room floor and wrapping herself protectively around Regina, holding her tightly. “Just breathe, Regina. In and out.” Regina sucked in a sudden unsteady breath, letting it out a few moments later when she felt Kiara press herself into Regina’s front.

After nearly a half hour Regina was calm again, her magic steadily humming through her veins but no longer oozing out of her pores, surrounding her in a protective shield.

“What happened?”

Regina pulled out of Zelena’s hold, sitting up on the hardwood floor of the farmhouse, hugging her legs to her chest protectively. “That’s a long story…”

Zelena sat up as well, crossing her legs as she watched Regina carefully. “I got time…Robin’s with Margot and Alice…I got all day.”

Regina eyed her suspiciously, “I don’t even know where to begin…”

“The beginning is usually a good start,” Zelena smirked, Regina rolled her eyes at her before using the back of her hand to wipe away her tears.

“But which beginning…”

“What?”

“The beginning of what triggered today? or the beginning of…well, everything.”

“I don’t need the history of how the universe was created, just what’s upset you.”

Regina smiled slightly at that, “Emma.”

“What did that idiot do now?! Do I gotta threaten her again?! I tried to be nice but now looks like I’ll have to threaten death!”

Regina shook her head, “Emma did nothing wrong…I guess, technically, this is my fault…”

“What?”

Regina let out a long sigh, “Emma thinks –and I guess Snow too– they think that Hope is my daughter…” Zelena blinked slowly, “Zelena? You okay?”

“Yeah, just…give me a sec…I’m trying to wrap my head around where the surprise is.” Regina slapped her arm and Zelena pouted, “Ow! Hey! Sorry, it’s just…Regina, that girl is literally a spitting image of you, the only thing she got from Emma was that damn chin.”

Regina frowned, “I wouldn’t say obvious…”

“Okay, so the kid’s yours, what’s the big deal? You and Emma are in love, you already got two kids, now you got your third little magic baby and you two can just, move in and raise her and be happy.”

“It’s not that easy, Zelena…”

“Why the hell not?”

Regina looked at her with sad eyes, “She hurt me…”

“Yes, I know, but you two are working on that…right?”

Regina nodded, resting her chin on her knees.

“So what else is there?”

Regina closed her eyes and after a couple of minutes of silence finally decided to confide in her sister “I’m scared…”

“Of what?” Zelena asked softly, recognizing how difficult it was for Regina to be so vulnerable.

“That she’ll think I’m a mistake again…”

“When has she ever thought that?”

Regina looked away, tears rolling down her one cheek and the other rolling over the bridge of her nose and dropping onto the hardwood floor below them. “The night it happened.”

“Oh…” Zelena reached out, placing her hand comfortingly on her arm. “What happened?”

Regina looked back at her, eyes shimmering with tears. “Well it all started a few months before Henry sent for Emma, Hook, and I…she and Hook had gotten into another argument and like always she came to me looking for comfort…”

 

* * *

 

_She was busy filling out paperwork when her office door flew open, her head shooting up to see Emma storming in, “He’s such an asshole! Why did you let me marry him?!”_

_Regina arched a brow, looking Emma over before looking to the door that just slammed shut. “I do explicitly remember telling you you were too good for him…”_

_Emma glared, moving to drop onto one of the couches, grabbing a pillow and hugging it to her chest as she pouted. “Well, you probably should have just hit me over the head or sprayed me with water until I listened.”_

_“I’ll remember that for next time…” she drawled, placing her pen on her desk as she leaned back in her chair, turning it to face Emma, her legs crossing and her arms resting on the arms of the chair. “What did the pirate do this time? Forget to change the coffee filter? Try to beg you to be his perfect little housewife again? Buy you that top?” She finished, her mouth curling in disgust as she looked over Emma’s wardrobe, the floral pattern on her sleeve covered arms uglier than the stuff she had cursed into Snow’s wardrobe._

_“Har Har.”_

_“You really have to stop letting him dress you, dear. I know I poked fun at your wardrobe before but this…this is a tragedy.”_

_“You’re such a snob!” Emma yelled, tossing the pillow at Regina but she stopped it midair, with the flick of her fingers, her displeasure at the action shown in the quirk of a perfect eyebrow as she made it reappear on the couch. “He just keeps acting like he runs the damn place…he does know I’m the sheriff, right? He knows that means I’m the boss…doesn’t he?”_

_“Like I know, dear, I don’t have morning tea with the man to discuss what little knowledge he has in that teeny tiny brain of his.”_

_Emma snorted, “If I see him anytime soon I’m worried I’ll punch him.”_

_“Oh? Well, why don’t I give him a ring? I’ve been dying for some good entertainment recently…there’s just nothing good on TV anymore.”_

_“You are such an asshole.”_

_“Mmm…” Regina hummed, rolling her chair back behind her desk and picking up her pen. “If you like we can go get a drink later, unwind a bit, you can tell me all the annoying things about the pirate…don’t leave anything out.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yes.” Regina glanced up, offering her an affectionate smile, “We can go as soon as I finish my paperwork.”_

_Emma pouted, looking at the small pile, “Fine…”_

_Regina looked back down, twisting her wrist making a stack of paperwork appear in front of Emma, “And while you wait you might as well finish yours as well.”_

_Emma let out a long sigh, “Evil…”_

_“Do your paperwork, Swan, or else we’re never going to get that drink.”_

_Emma pouted, “I need a–” she started as a pen materialized on top of the stack of paperwork, Emma stared at it for a few moments before muttering, “Thanks.”_

 

* * *

 

_It was a quarter after seven when they finally finished their paperwork. Regina stood from her desk and stretched her arms over her head, turning to look at Emma with a raised brow as she watched her pull her shirt over her head, leaving her in just a black tank top and her dark jeans. “Ready to go?”_

_“Yup!” popping the P at the end of the word as she smiled proudly at Regina._

_Regina shook her head with a roll of her eyes as she grabbed her purse from the bottom drawer of her desk and headed toward the door without a final word, knowing Emma was following by the sound of her short heeled boots against the wood floors._

_“How do you walk so fast in those things?!” she panted when Regina turned to wait for her at the entrance of the stairwell._

_“With the poise and composure of a queen,” she smirked, Emma snorting at the distant memory._

_“Smartass.”_

_Regina just walked down the stairs, leading them out to her car, ignoring Emma’s flailing gestures at the bug parked much closer as she unlocked her Mercedes, waiting patiently in the driver’s seat as Emma stormed over to her, sliding into her seat and pouting the whole drive to Aesop’s Tables._

_“Stop acting like a child.”_

_“I am not!” Regina arched a brow and Emma’s pout deepened just furthering her point. “I thought we were supposed to be having a fun night out to cheer me up?”_

_“Well, we can get on that after you get out of the car and stop pouting.”_

_“Why are you my best friend?”_

_Regina rolled her eyes, throwing open the car door as she drawled, “Would you believe me if I told you I ask myself that very question every day?”_

_“Asshole!” Emma called out after her, Regina’s dark laughter filling the area, turning to stare into the car impatiently waiting for Emma to exit the vehicle. “Alright, let’s go,” Emma said as soon as the car door slammed behind her, Regina grinning proudly as she spun on her heels, leading the way into the bar._

_They found a booth in the back, where people couldn’t easily spot them, Regina signalled to the bartender that they needed drinks while she watched Emma carefully. “What did he do this time?”_

_Emma let out a long sigh, “What didn’t he do?”_

_“What can I get you, ladies?”_

_“a glass of your best red, your best beer on tap..." She trailed off, lips pursed as she watched Emma for a second, "also tequila, and keep them coming,” never taking her eyes off the blonde._

_“Coming right up,” he said before he made himself scarce once more, Regina leaning forward on the table to give Emma her full attention as she waited for her to say something…open up perhaps._

_It was after two rounds that Emma finally exclaimed, “He’s such a misogynistic prick,” while tossing her lime into the empty shot glass._

_“Tell me something I don’t already know, dear.”_

_Emma glared but a smile still curled on her lips, and then she just went off, ranting about this and that, Regina silently ordering them drinks whenever they ran out. Her foot accidentally brushed Emma’s leg when she uncrossed her legs somewhere around their fifth…maybe sixth round, she lost track when her focus accidentally slipped to Emma’s defined muscles instead of focusing on Hook’s less than satisfactory performance in the bedroom._

_“Sorry,” she husked, a faint blush on her cheeks, raising her arm to request four shots to distract from her slip up._

_“No worries…”_

_Regina downed one of the shots as soon as it was placed on the table, already requesting another before the man even had the chance to leave the table. “I can’t say I’m surprised he can’t please you, he’s a very…rudimentary lover.”_

_“Ah gross, I don’t wanna know!” Emma grimaced, downing two shots in quick succession, Regina rolling her eyes at her as she waved her off._

_“That reminds me…I’ve been working on a truth serum…”_

_“A truth serum? What for?!”_

_“To forget your mother’s birthday party, of course…I’m still having nightmares over all that pink.”_

_Emma snorted on a laugh, “Can you make it two?”_

_“Of course, dear…the less traumatic things for you to remember the better…I’d offer to remove your memories of the pirate but…”_

_Emma laughed again, leaning back in the booth, looking as a bottle was placed on the table, both women arching a brow before breaking out in giggles, Regina quickly stifled the sound with her hand but her eyes still sparkled with mirth._

_“I think he got tired of making the trip.”_

_“It would appear to be that way, my dear.”_

_Emma smiled at her, that weird affectionate smile of hers that always made Regina’s stomach twist in excitement; Regina was so mesmerized by Emma once again that when a shy foot suddenly brushed against her calf she actually jumped; but Emma acted like she didn’t even notice what she was doing, and just kept talking… though when Regina tuned back into the conversation, Emma was no longer complaining about the pirate, instead she was reminiscing about the year they had first met._

_“You were intimidating…but like in the sexiest way.”_

_Regina’s eyes widened comically, “What?”_

_“You can’t tell me you didn’t notice I was like totally hot for you!”_

_“I–” She stopped when Emma’s foot brushed over her bare skin again, Regina wondered in the back of her mind when Emma had removed her shoe and sock. “I didn’t not notice…” Regina smirked at the memories that flooded her mind, “You were very obvious in your staring…still are…” she added as she caught Emma’s gaze focused down her shirt._

_“Mmm, what can I say, you’re very distracting…”_

_“A-as are you…” She stuttered as Emma’s toe traced up the inside of her leg to her knee then back down._

_“Oh yeah?”_

_“Yes, you were the first person to actually defy me in 28 years…it was…invigorating.”_

_“That all?” Emma pouted slightly as she leaned forward in the booth, Regina’s eyes dropped down to her hand which was now resting against her forearm._

_“Maddening too,” Regina smirked at the annoyance that flickered over Emma’s features, happy to gain the upper hand for a second, leaning forward in the booth she husked just for Emma to hear. “I must admit I had more than one fantasy about taking you up against my apple tree when you cut it down…or over my desk…” Regina hummed thoughtfully, “or dragging you to my bedroom and making you beg for release…”_

_Emma’s eyes were wide but her mouth wider, her foot pausing in its teasing as she stared at Regina for a few long seconds, she took a quick shot of tequila and poured them both one more, whispering, “me too,” a moment later, making Regina the one flabbergasted this time._

_Regina downed the shot, looking around the bar, her knee hitting the top of the table when she felt Emma’s toes brush against the back of her thigh, her mind clouding as the tequila buzzed through her veins, her legs falling open slightly when Emma’s foot brushed up the inside of her calves again, her eyes falling closed as Emma’s foot brushed the inside of her thighs dipping just under her skirt before moving back down her legs again. Regina utterly transfixed as her alcohol-addled brain tried to figure out what was happening and how they went from Emma ranting about the pirate to playing footsie under the table in a crowded bar._

_“Let’s dance.”_

_“What?” Regina blinked, her lip falling from between her teeth as she uttered the word._

_“Let’s dance,” Emma giggled, tangling her fingers with Regina’s and tugging insistently on her hand, Regina blinked slowly at her all while she let Emma drag her out of the booth toward the little section by the jukebox and instantly pulled Regina so they were standing almost nose to nose. “Loosen up, Madam Mayor.”_

_Regina blinked, her whole body on fire where Emma’s was pressed against her, Emma waved a hand to change the song, as Regina swayed slightly on her feet from all the booze, but it was only a few seconds before she began to relax, dancing with Emma, their hands remained linked as Emma pulled their arms back and forth, bouncing around the space and Regina felt laughter bubbling out of her as Emma spun her around, their fingers dancing in each other’s grip._

_Regina’s hand brushed over Emma’s arm, their fingers linking together then falling away, Regina turning away from Emma, swaying her hips to the music surrounding them, a large gasp escaping her lungs as Emma’s fingers brushed over her hips, gripping them tightly before pulling her against her, their bodies moulding together and Regina’s movements only paused for a second before she ground her hips back into Emma’s pelvis._

_Emma moaned in her ear, her hands grazing up over Regina’s sides, teasing before gripping her hips once more, chills running down her back and sides as Regina’s hands moved to Emma’s, leaning her head back against Emma’s temple, their hips swaying together tantalizingly. Regina swore she must have imagined lips brushing against her neck, but after a few seconds when she felt it again, this time a little firmer, a hum of approval left her mouth and urged Emma on, making her kisses bolder. Regina’s hands moved behind her to tangle in Emma’s hair while she moved her head more to the side to grant Emma more access, Emma’s hands teasing up her sides again making her stomach twist in pleasure._

_“Em-ma…” she gasped when Emma nipped and sucked at a particularly sensitive spot on her neck, Emma moaned against her skin, sucking on her pulse point and a faint voice in Regina’s head told her there would be a hickey if Emma didn’t stop soon, but in all honesty, she didn’t care, her hands just held tighter and her hips ground harder into her, getting another moan from the blonde._

_Emma boldly kissed her way up to her ear nipping and sucking on her earlobe, “You taste so good…” Regina spun in her arms suddenly, their eyes meeting in a desperate gaze, Regina’s hand tangling in Emma’s before she pulled her toward the back door, the door barely shutting before Emma backed her into the wall and locked their lips in a heated kiss that Regina returned without a second thought._

_Emma’s tongue slipped into Regina’s mouth, moaning at the taste of her, as Regina’s hands moved up to grip into Emma’s hair again, pulling her impossibly closer to her as Emma’s thigh slipped between her legs, pressing into her center sending a shock of arousal through her._

_Emma gripped her hips, pulling away from the kiss to start kissing down Regina’s neck again, Regina’s head lulled back against the cold brick wall that was slowly warming against her overly heated skin. “Oh gods…” She gasped when her hips unconsciously rolled against Emma’s thigh, moaning against the sensations buzzing through her body. Emma hurriedly tugged her shirt out from her skirt, fingers brushing over Regina’s belly while she nipped on her collarbone before kissing down her chest to press open mouth kisses on the tops of her breasts and in between her cleavage. Emma moved her fingers to unbutton Regina’s blouse while Regina’s moved to the rhythm of Emma’s hips, gripping tightly as she grinded against her again, indistinct, breathy moans leaving her mouth at once._

_Emma moved her shirt to the side to fully reveal one of her breasts, leaving wet kisses across her skin before pausing, Regina found her watching her quizzically and she moaned out a small, “please,” not having enough frame of mind to even be embarrassed about begging. Emma gripped Regina’s thighs, slipping her hands under the hem of her skirt neither really caring as the material bunched up higher on Regina’s hips, her hips bucking as a loud moan ripped through her._

_Regina was teetering embarrassingly close but she didn’t care, her hands slipped under Emma’s tank top, moving toward her hard abdomen pressing against Emma’s abs, caressing the warm skin under her fingers._

_“Fuck…” Emma moaned against her chest, as Regina’s fingers teased at her waistband, “God yes…”_

_Regina didn’t need anything else, her fingers nimbly unbuttoning her pants and slipping into her panty line pausing as Emma kissed back up her neck, burrowing into Emma’s neck and peppering it in kisses as she slipped her fingers into Emma’s panties, moaning when she felt her wetness coat her fingers, she traced through her folds as Emma continued to pant into her neck, hands gripping Regina’s still moving hips tightly. Regina’s body trembled when the pressure hit just right, slipping her fingers down to Emma’s entrance and pausing for consent which was given in a low please against her skin before Emma started kissing her neck again, sucking and biting down when Regina at once thrust two fingers into her, Regina’s body quivered as a moan left her mouth at the fascinating sensation of being inside her._

_She started a quick rhythm, their hips moving in perfect sync, Regina felt her inevitable orgasm climbing nearer and nearer, a powerful buzzing sensation travelling over her skin, her free hand moved to Emma’s hair to pull her into another deep kiss, her hand gripping the back of Emma’s neck. As she moaned into Emma’s mouth her body convulsed and that weird buzzing sensation that had been building exploded out of her in a wave, her fingers tingled and Emma moaned with her, Regina pulling away from the kiss to burrow her face in Emma’s neck, peppering kisses wherever she could reach as she tried to focus more on getting Emma over the edge, her palm pressing into Emma’s clit as she kept thrusting, curling her fingers up to find her G-spot, moving them in a come-hither motion, feeling Emma’s walls grip around her fingers after a bit longer, Regina nipping her jaw playfully, Emma moaned into her neck and then her body froze, her walls squeezing her fingers tightly as she moaned Regina’s name against her neck._

_She slowly eased her out of her orgasm, combing her fingers through her hair and peppering loving kisses against her neck and jaw over and over again._

_“Emma…” She sighed, contently, slipping her fingers out of Emma’s pants and nuzzling into Emma’s neck, pulling back after a few minutes, pressing her forehead against Emma’s as the blondes grip loosened on her thighs, Regina’s hand moving to stroke her cheek affectionately. “Emma…” Emma’s eyes finally opened to meet hers, a soft dopey smile on her features and Regina leaned forward, brushing their lips together lightly, the kiss slow and almost loving before she pulled away a few moments later. “Hi…” she husked, nuzzling her nose with Emma’s._

_“Regina…” Emma breathed unsteadily, sobering at once and slowly getting back into reality, Emma’s eyes widened in horror at the realization of what she had just done…what they had just done, and tore herself from Regina’s body at once, her eyes taking in Regina’s dishevelled appearance._

_“Emma?” She asked uncertain, fear flashing in her eyes as she reached out for Emma again but missing her hand for she stepped away, Regina’s lower lip wobbling slightly as she self-consciously righted her clothes before wrapping her arms around herself. “Emma, please…” She pleaded, meeting Emma’s panicked eyes._

_Emma shook her head, looking away from Regina, “This shouldn’t have happened…”_

_Regina’s heart cracked in her chest at those words, pushing off the wall and reaching out for her, “Emma, please…don’t–” her hand fell through the air as Emma stepped away again, shaking her head, looking away from Regina missing the tears that were welling in her eyes._

_“This was a mistake…” Emma said, “I…I need to go…home…”_

_“Emma! Please! We need to talk!”_

_“Not right now…I can’t…”_

_“Ple-ase,” Her voice broke and Emma looked at her with sorrowful eyes._

_“I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…I’m sorry, this was a mistake…” She said, brushing off Regina’s hand again as she fled out of the alley._

_“Emma, please! Don’t go! Please…Emma…” She sobbed trying to chance after her but her limbs were too weak so she leaned back against the wall, hugging her arms tightly around herself as her body shook, after a while she found enough energy to teleport herself home, into her bed where she curled up and sobbed for god knows how long, only getting up because she needed to shower, to scrub tonight’s events from her skin, her skin red and tender by the time she finished in the shower, sobbing herself to sleep in nothing but a towel body trembling…the feeling of being used twisting in her gut making her cry harder…she loved her…but Emma just saw her as a mistake…she was a mistake…always a mistake._

 

* * *

 

“Wait!” Regina rolled her eyes as Zelena dramatically rose her hand to silence her, “You two…had sex, for the first time, against a bloody wall?! What the fuck, Regina!”

Regina grimaced, looking down at the mug of tea in her hands as she kicked her bare feet against the counters in Zelena’s kitchen. “It wasn’t my finest hour…”

“I’ll fucking say! You’ve been dreaming about that moment for like over a decade and you just…fuck her against a wall!”

“Technically I was against the wall.”

Zelena rolled her eyes at her sister’s bravado, seeing the hurt and shame she still held so close to her chest. “To be honest I’m surprised you two made it as long as you did…I totally thought you fucked during the road trip at least.”

Regina shrugged, taking a sip of her tea, “Yes, well, we have…had…rules to stop us, which is why we all got our own rooms,” she pursed her lips, “We did have a close call but back then we had Henry as a buffer…”

“What kind of rules? Wait! Is that why you two always stood so far apart?! And why Snow and I were always an awkward third wheel to your non-date dates?!”

Regina laughed awkwardly, leaping off the counter and moving back to Zelena’s living room now that her sister was done making her own tea. “Yes, I guess you could say that…”

“Imagine having unspoken rules with your “best friend” to stop yourselves from fucking each other’s brains out…”

“Zelena…”

“I know, you love her and it was more than sex for you…but the absolute insanity of it all is still rather fascinating.”

“I’d be more inclined to call it depressing.”

“That too I guess,” Zelena smiled affectionately at Regina as she curled up in the corner of the couch. “You do know she loves you too, right?”

Regina laughed bitterly, “I don’t know about that, Zel…”

“That girl is head over heels in love with you…which is only further proven by the fact you two managed to make a baby together…which is some true love type shit right there.”

Regina shrugged again, “Even then it’s hard to trust her with my heart again after everything…she shattered it into a million pieces without trying…I don’t want to feel that way ever again…”

Zelena reached forward, placing her hand on Regina’s wrist, “But you’re breaking your heart by guarding yourself from a chance at true happiness with the woman you love…”

Regina met Zelena’s eyes, tears shimmering in brown eyes before they rolled down her cheeks, Regina not bothering to wipe them away as she confessed, “It’s hard, Zel…I can’t…” Regina shook her head, “She hurt me more than anyone else ever has…and not because she left…but because she used me…she used me and tossed me away and I’ve never felt more like a piece of garbage…like a mistake than I did in that moment.”

“Oh, Regina…” Zelena put their mugs of tea on the table before she gathered Regina in a tight hug, the brunette falling apart in her arms once again, clutching to the back of Zelena’s top as she sobbed, the memories of what followed that fateful evening playing out in her mind as clearly as when they had happened.

 

* * *

 

_Regina woke in the late morning, brows furrowed in confusion when she couldn’t quite understand what was happening, and why her alarm wasn’t blaring in her ears and making the already throbbing headache worse and then it hit her like a freight train, her heart plummeting into the pit of her stomach again and the odd feeling to throw up and cry took over._

_Staring across her bedroom at her reflection in the vanity mirror, eyes scanning over her nude body and a trembling hand raised up to run her finger over a very defined hickey on her left breast, a tear rolling down her cheek as she remembered what a mess she had made out of everything the night before. Curling back up on top of her blankets and towel she let sorrow take over for a few more minutes before she forced herself out of bed to get ready for the day, cursing Emma Swan the whole time at the multiple hickeys she had left behind and nearly breaking her sink from how hard she gripped onto it to stop herself from crying more, slowly finding her anger and the mask she hasn’t used in years to shield herself from everything for the rest of the day, nearly losing it as she was leaving when she realized that not only had she  left her phone and purse at the bar but that they also had forgotten to pay their tab…so she was left with the humiliating task of going back to that place after everything._

 

* * *

 

_The day was hard, not because she had a lot of work…no, because she barely had any which meant there was little she could do to distract herself from the memories of the night before, constantly catching herself playing with the neck of her turtleneck or tracing absentmindedly of the hickey she knew resided so perfectly over her broken heart._

_And if she were honest with herself she’d say she was surprised when Emma called to see if they were still up for lunch that day, and if she were of sound mind she would have said she was busy with work but she knew Emma would still know she was lying even over the phone so she agreed, she met her for lunch at Granny’s like they do every Thursday…a routine they started after Henry left just so they knew the other was okay and now…she was seated in another booth across from Emma Swan just a mere 12 hours after they had sex…after Emma said she was a mistake…after she went back home, to her husband and Regina used that anger to keep herself from breaking down at any moment but she realized that when sitting across from Emma looking awkward and beautiful and just as troubled as her…it was dangerous…because she loved her, with her whole soul that she wondered how she ever thought Robin was her soulmate…but because of that the hurt she was feeling was something she wasn’t used to because she never ever thought Emma would use her for her body like everyone else has always done and yet…_

_“So David keeps complaining about our coffee maker, says it’s as old as me which…stopped being funny like 8 years ago…”_

_Regina tried to smile, it was pained, her eyes vacant as her hand pulled and tugged at the turtleneck, sure that it was restricting her breathing, slowly choking her because the only other explanation was that there was a lump of sadness in her throat slowly trying to kill her._

_“Regina?”_

_She blinked, Emma’s worried expression coming into focus, “What? Sorry…I just have a bit of a headache…”_

_“I-it’s okay…” Emma bit her lips, looking around the busy diner before finally for the first time that afternoon meeting Regina’s eyes, Regina hoped that they weren’t red from crying or filled with tears…because that lump in her throat was almost painful and her eyes stung from all the crying she did the night before and again this morning and… “Do you wanna go back to your office? It’d be quieter…”_

_“Together?” Regina almost yelped, eyes wide wondering how Emma was so okay, wondering if she had forgotten what had happened last night._

_“I…” Emma looked at her mug of cocoa, shrugging slightly as she whispered. “If you want…my erm bug is still parked there so I could use the ride to go get it I guess…”_

_Regina nodded, tugging at her turtleneck again, “Sure, I’ll drive you over but I should probably get back to work…the town won’t run itself.”_

_“At least not anymore,” Emma joked and it felt normal for a second, their eyes meeting after Regina finished rolling hers, both their eyes sparkled with humour and Regina felt her heart clench in her chest and so she forced her eyes away._

_“You’re paying though, I had to cover our tab from last night so the least you can do is buy me lunch.”_

_“O-of course…” Emma looked like she was just punched and it was then Regina knew she remembered what happened, her eyes following Emma as she slipped out of the booth to go pay at the counter, Regina subtly reaching up to brush away a tear that escaped, cursing herself for getting soft…for trusting…for exposing her heart so idiotically…to a married woman nonetheless. “You ready to go?”_

_She jumped, turning her head quickly to look at Emma before she nodded, grabbing her purse and standing from the booth, not looking back as she strutted out of the diner, chin held high giving off more Mayor Mills than she had in years._

 

* * *

 

_“You didn’t have to walk me into my office, Swan, I am more than capable.”_

_“I know…I just…” Emma toed the tile of the hallway as Regina unlocked her office door, “Can we talk?”_

_Regina looked back at her, eyes wide and an eyebrow quirked, “About?” She tried calmly but even she could hear the distress in her voice._

_“About last night…”_

_Regina pursed her lips, turning to look back at her office door as she turned the handle slowly, pushing it open as her heart skipped and clenched in its now permanent spot in the pit of her stomach. “Of course…” she said as she stepped in the room, staring at her desk as she moved to sit in it._

_“Are you okay?” Emma asked as soon as she closed the door behind her with a quiet click._

_Regina spun around, wrapping her arms across her chest, “Of course.”_

_“Regina…”_

_She met her eyes in a flash, Emma looking considerably more troubled than she had in the diner. “I…” She shook her head at herself…how could she even begin to explain just how not okay she was? She unfolded her arms, left hand falling to her stomach while her right one moved to tug and fiddle with her turtleneck again._

_“Reg–”_

_“I’m thinking.”_

_“About?”_

_Regina met her eyes again, heartbreak and furry flashing in them for a split second before it faded away to nothingness. “Can’t we just…forget it happened? Get on with our lives…we were drunk…and like you said, it was a mistake.”_

_“Regina…”_

_“I can’t, Emma! Please, just…” She shook her head, leaning on the edge of her desk. “I’m tired, I’m hungover, and my head is killing me…can’t we just do this another day?”_

_“Y-yeah…I guess…”_

_Regina nodded, standing up and gesturing to her closed office door, “Now if you don’t mind I have work to do.”_

_“Regina…” Emma’s lower lip wobbled slightly._

_“I’ll see you later, Emma.”_

_“Right…” Emma shuffled on her feet, taking a half a step forward before she stopped, shaking her head at herself before she whispered, “I’m sorry…” making a beeline out the door before Regina could even respond._

_Regina collapsed back against her desk as soon as her office door clicked shut, running her hands over her face to try and rid the stinging in her eyes but it was no use, the tears poured from her eyes on their own accord, Regina finally just deciding to go home for the rest of the day._

 

* * *

 

_It was a week since the incident, she saw Emma a handful of times since then and every second hurt because it was like a constant reminder of what she couldn’t have, what she had lost, it almost hurt more than watching Emma marry the pirate because now when she looked at Emma she remembered that night, how it had felt, how she had tasted, the sounds she made quietly in her ear, how she had kissed her…kissed like nobody has ever kissed Regina before, sure it started rough and hungry but that last kiss…that last one was slow and gentle and at the time she swore it had been filled with love but it couldn’t be…because Emma had gone back to him…she went back and Regina was just a drunken mistake…forced to watch her with another walking openly down the street hand in hand, kissing in front of Granny’s one morning that Regina had to teleport home because she couldn’t keep the heart-wrenching sobs at bay._

_It was now a week, a week and Regina was still reminded of that day every time she saw her reflection, every time she looked down at her body and saw those fading hickeys, a constant reminder of it all and her heart still ached like it hadn’t in a while…still craves Emma like she never thought possible. It was a week from hell but Regina was determined to just power through it, pretend they never had sex, pretend that she doesn’t still feel the ghosting of Emma’s lips over hers, on her body, pretend that her body doesn’t sing and tingle and scream out for just the smallest of touches when Emma’s so much as in the same room…how when they’re alone she’s scared that she won’t be able to control herself anymore and she’ll grab Emma and kiss her like never before…just pretend that she hasn’t cried almost every day this week because of this…because she was a mistake, she was just a quick desperate fuck…nothing more and…that hurt more than anything else._

_She wished she could just avoid Emma today, if she could just avoid her she might be able to make it but she wasn’t that lucky, no, because today was the town council meeting and so she had to see Emma, had to sit next to Emma in the tight round table where their legs always brushed and her scent invaded Regina’s nostrils and…it was too much…being so close to her after such a short time but she had to._

_Like she knew would happen about halfway through the meeting Regina’s leg brushed against Emma’s when she crossed them, a quiet gasp leaving Emma’s mouth yanking Regina out of her daydreaming to stare at her, their eyes locking and Regina found it impossible to look away, mouthing sorry to her to not interrupt the person speaking, their words a distant chattering as she stared at Emma so close again, her finger moving to run over the hickey on her chest thoughtfully, Emma’s eyes moving from her lips to follow her hand, eyes locked on it until someone coughed, Regina and Emma both jumping before turning back to whoever was speaking. Regina’s hands moving into her lap under the table, fiddling with her fingers to stop herself from focusing on the twisting feeling in her gut, although this time instead of heartbreak it was the familiar feeling of arousal._

_Emma’s leg started shaking under the table and without thinking Regina moved her hand to Emma’s knee to stop it, both of them freezing, Regina’s brain shutting down at the feeling of Emma under her hands once again, even if it were through tight jeans, the warmth radiating through them was still almost intoxicating. Emma’s hand moved to hers, grabbing it and she glanced over because Emma lifted it a centimetre off her thigh before she stopped, a small sigh leaving her mouth and she just held on, and Regina didn’t know what to do…and even if she did she couldn’t build up the energy to remove her hand, not even when Emma started playing with her fingers under the table, her eyes drooping shut for a few moments, her heart soaring in her chest even as her brain yelled at her…warned her that she was just going to be hurt in the end but it was so nice to feel her touch again after a whole week…she was worried she could never survive without Emma’s touch…the only thing that could ever really soothe her._

_Both of them jumped, their hands tearing away from each other’s when Snow announced the meeting was over, their focus shooting to the clock that sat across from Snow to see that not only was the meeting over but that it ran nearly 30 minutes late, everyone obviously hoping Regina would notice eventually but when she didn’t Snow brought it upon herself to make that fact known._

_“Yes, that will be it for this month, everyone,” She pushed her chair back, standing up and running her hands over her thighs, “You’re all excused, have a good evening everybody.”_

_Everybody nodded, collecting their papers and heading out, quiet chatter and rustling filled the room as everyone moved about. But Emma stayed sitting, gazing up at Regina as she was bent over the table collecting files from the other council members and organizing her own papers from the meeting, smiling as everyone wished her goodnight, and before they knew it the room was quiet and it was just them, Regina unable to ignore the eyes burning into her._

_“You’re staring,” she stated, turning and hugging the files to her chest as she looked down into Emma’s lust filled eyes._

_“Why do you keep wearing turtlenecks? It’s like 80 degrees out.” Emma questioned and Regina blinked slowly, shaking her head at Emma after a few seconds and walking toward the large double doors._

_“I think you know why, dear.”_

_Emma followed after her, “No, I don’t.”_

_“Are you really that dense?”_

_Emma frowned, keeping up with her step for step as they turned toward Regina’s office, neither of them noticing they were just going to seclude themselves more. “How am I being dense?”_

_“Jesus Christ, Swan!” Regina growled, throwing open her office door and storming in, slamming her files loudly on her desk before she spun around. “Because you left hickeys, very large visible hickeys on my neck and chest!”_

_“Oh…” Emma breathed, her eyes dropping to look down at her body._

_“I wish I could wear anything else but then everyone would see these!” Regina yelled yanking the sweater over her head and Emma couldn’t stop herself from moving closer, from stopping her eyes from staring at Regina standing before her in just a bra, and before she even realized what she was doing she was tracing her finger across the hickey on Regina’s breast, staring at the slowly fading but still obvious mark on her otherwise perfect skin._

_Regina let out a shuddering breath, eyes falling shut as Emma traced down to the one between her breasts then up and across her chest to the ones on her neck, one on her collarbone, in the crook of her neck, her pulse point, and then lastly almost at the back of her neck, Emma’s touch was gentle and Regina was shocked when a low moan left her mouth when Emma’s nail accidentally scraped over her skin, the sound snapping them back to their senses and they flung apart, Regina pulling her shirt tight against her chest as she hit the back of her desk and Emma stood in the middle of the room with wide eyes that were still glued on Regina._

_“E-Emma…” Regina’s voice was small and broken again like it was that night, Emma’s eyes moving up her face to lock on her eyes, Regina looking away almost instantly to hide the pain she knew was clearly reflected in her eyes._

_“Regina…I…” Regina looked up at her, Emma’s lower lip wobbling, shaking her head she confessed, “I can’t do this…it hurts to look at you…”_

_Regina’s eyes widened, filling with tears instantly as she took a step toward her,  “Emma please, don’t do this…” forgetting about being topless as she reached out to her, her hand just brushing Emma’s shoulder when she took another step away, eyes firmly planted on the floor in shame._

_“I-it might be easier if we don’t see each other for a while…”_

_“Please, don’t walk away again! We can make it through this, we just need time.”_

_“I can’t, Regina…every time I look at you I crave your touch…and it hurts…everything hurts when I look at you…I just…” Emma shook her head, stepping back, “I don’t trust myself around you right now…I’m so sorry…”_

_“Please, don’t walk away,” Regina’s lower lip wobbled as she tried to lock eyes with Emma. “You’re my best friend…I can’t lose you too.”_

_Emma finally met her eyes again, taking a step toward her, hand reaching out toward Regina before it dropped away, their eyes locking as Emma whispered, “You’re not losing me I just need some space…”_

_“How much?”_

_“What?”_

_“How much space?”_

_“Until it doesn’t hurt anymore.”_

_A tear escaped Regina’s eye and before she could brush it away Emma did, their eyes locked on each other’s as Regina whispered, “It’s always going to hurt, Emma…”_

_“I’m sorry, Regina…” Emma ducked her head, tears shimmering in her eyes making them turn a shade of blue before she pressed a lingering kiss to Regina’s forehead, stepping back as she whispered, “I’m so sorry,” one more time before she slipped out of the office, Regina collapsing to the floor in violent heartbreaking sobs, her body trembling as she gripped tightly onto her shirt, swearing to never let Emma hurt her like this again…to never bare her soul to her, to risk her heart so carelessly._

 

* * *

 

_And it would be almost two months before they were alone in the same room together again, Regina not expecting the panicked phone call she received that morning but as soon as she heard Emma’s distraught voice on the phone, sobbing as she said, “Regina, I think I’m pregnant.” She didn’t even think twice as she rushed out of her house to pick up four pregnancy tests before teleporting to Emma’s door and holding up the bag when an agitated Emma finally answered._

_“Only one way to find out.” She said as she walked past her, heading toward the stairs and following closely behind Emma up to the main bathroom, sitting with her on the edge of the bathtub as she guzzled down multiple glasses of water and pacing outside the bathroom while she peed on the sticks and then waited with her some more, this time Emma sitting on the lid of the toilet and Regina on the edge of the tub, holding her hands tightly in hers as they waited for the timer to go off and they could find out. “It’s going to be okay, darling…”_

_Emma pulled her hand away to wipe away the tears on her cheeks, “This can’t be happening…we’re always so safe…”_

_“Accidents happen…”_

_Emma looked her in the eyes, “He’s my husband…I know I should be ecstatic about this…”_

_“Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you need to be…it’s okay to be scared, Emma, I sure was…”_

_Emma’s eyes widened in horror, “You…when? What happened?” Regina shrugged, slipping her hands from Emma’s but Emma snatched them back up. “You can tell me anything.”_

_A tear rolled down Regina’s face, “It was almost a year after I married the king…I had realized I missed my cycle and was very ill, there was only one answer, and the news that I was with child…his child…after he had…” Regina shook her head, “I sobbed for days, I couldn’t fathom having a part of that man growing in me so I got a spell book from Rumple and I made a potion that would terminate the pregnancy, and…I didn’t regret it for a minute especially after my mother showed back up with a fake Robin Hood and a wish for me to make her an heir for her to control like she controlled me…but then…” she pulled one hand away from Emma’s to wipe away her tears. “I used the same book I got from him to make a potion that would leave me barren…”_

_“Regina…” Emma’s eyes were wide as she gripped tightly onto Regina’s hand._

_“I regretted doing that, I thought I had lost any chance to be a mother, I felt so empty as the potion worked its way through me, but I couldn’t let my mother hurt anyone else…”_

_“Then you adopted Henry.”_

_Regina smiled widely, her tear filled eyes filling with love, “Then I got Henry and he was my everything, my whole heart the moment I held him in my arms…it was hard for a bit but…I wouldn’t change anything if it meant I never got to be his mom…I’m so grateful that this world…that you, gave me that.”_

_Emma smiled at her, “I’m happy I could give you that too…”_

_Regina squeezed her hands again as the timer went off, “No matter what, it’ll be okay, Emma.”_

_“I’m scared.”_

_“That’s okay,” Regina let go of Emma’s hand to turn off the timer before taking it again, “Take your time.”_

_“I wish–” Emma cut herself off, shaking her head at the thoughts, “just, don’t let go.”_

_“I won’t, I’ll be right here the whole time, dear.” Emma nodded, slipping her hand from Regina while the other one linked her fingers with Regina’s squeezing tightly as she looked down at the test, a sob breaking out of her throat, Regina gripping onto her hand tightly while the other tucked hair behind Emma’s ear before she brushed away her tears. “It’s going to be okay…”_

_“I’m…I’m pregnant…I’m having a baby…”_

_“If you want to.”_

_Emma locked eyes with Regina, the thought travelling through her mind for a second but she shook her head. “I want to…I…Killian will be so happy.”_

_Regina flashed her a broken smile, “I’m sure he will.”_

_Emma dropped her forehead to Regina’s, “it’s just anxieties, I’ll be fine…”_

_“I know you will…” Regina sighed, cupping Emma’s cheek, “I’m so happy for you, Emma…”_

_“Thank you…” Emma sniffled, “But uh, could you just stay with me a bit longer?”_

_“Always…”_

_“Thank you, Regina…”_

_Regina’s lips curled in a pained smile, brushing the still flowing tears from Emma’s cheek she whispered, “It’s okay to still be scared.” And in a matter of seconds, Emma started sobbing again, the two of them sitting exactly where they were for what had to be hours._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!!! Hope you enjoyed it!!
> 
> Take care,  
> Ang


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: NON-GRAPHIC MENTIONS OF PAST ABUSE AND RAPE, PTSD, NOT EATING, AND THOUGHTS OF SELF HARM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya everyone! Sorry for the long wait, migraines have been a real S.O.B lately so I couldn't do much writing. I should hopefully get on and finish the last chapter soon but I'm currently trying to juggle this with my Supernova which is a bit of a struggle, to say the least.
> 
> but anyways enjoy this chapter and I'll see you soon for the final installment :P
> 
> -Ang

Regina awoke in the morning to Robin’s happy giggles as she streaked across the house to avoid Zelena painstakingly trying to dress her for kindergarten, Regina smiling faintly at the memories she had of Henry doing very similar things except with him the mad dash was always before bedtime, her little boy used to run away from her as she looked for his pyjamas after bath time…it was a fond memory she’s cherished until this day, even sharing it with Ella at the utter mortification of Henry.

“Get her, Kiara,” Regina whispered to the dog who barked and leaped from the couch, chasing the toddler until she ran straight into Zelena’s arms, squealing and giggling as Zelena scooped her up, blowing raspberries against her belly as she carried her into her room to get her ready, Kiara back at her side and resting her head on the edge of the couch as she stared at Regina. “Do you need to go out?” Kiara yipped, Regina’s hand running over her head as she nodded and finally pulled herself up, using this morning’s antics to distract her from the sorrow sitting like a lead balloon in the pit of her stomach.

She stood barefoot in the dew covered grass watching Kiara as she sniffed around Zelena’s property, her mind trailing off to that day Hope had been sick…to yesterday as her world was turned on its axis, leaving her a broken heap on the floor with nothing but her aching heart to show for it…and an aching back because she was much too old to be sleeping on a couch!

Her eyes vacant as she remembered the feeling of Emma’s fingers trailing over her skin like it was yesterday…remembered the hurt in Emma’s eyes when she had asked her to leave… _did I hurt Emma like Emma hurt me all those years ago…wait, no, just a year…what must this be like for Emma?_ She wondered, what must all this be like for her…she suddenly wanted to run to her, to ask her, to hold her but then, like a taunting voice her brain reminded her of that night, of those months, years, her heart clenching painfully in her chest, tears welling in her eyes, _all we ever do is hurt each other…_ she shook her head at the intrusive thoughts, squeezing her eyes shut from the memories flooding her mind, it was all too much…she just needed to breathe but no matter how far she went Emma always filled her thoughts, her dreams, her nightmares.

“Auntie Regina!”

Her reaction was slow as she turned to face the girl running toward her in her little school uniform that reminded her of Henry, except for her long blonde hair that billowed behind her as she ran right at her, Zelena following close behind with sympathetic eyes. “Hey, Monkey…” she forced a smile, crouching down to accept the hug from the girl even though she was unable to fight the tears as she thought of this little girl and of Hope…Hope…who just might be her daughter and Emma…and her life wasn’t…it’s not.

“You okay, Auntie Regina?” Robin asked, pulling away and cupping Regina’s cheeks in her small hands.

“Yes, monkey, I just love you so much.”

“I love you too, Auntie Regina!”

Regina smiled widely at her, genuinely before she nuzzled their noses together, Robin giggling before placing a kiss to her lips making Regina chuckle.

“Okay, Peanut, time to go.” Zelena interrupted, hugging Robin’s bag to her middle.

“Okay, Mommy…”

Regina stood, giving Zelena a broken smile, hand falling to comb her fingers through Robin’s hair before she kissed the top of her head and nudged her toward the crappy green car she got for her sister.

“See you when I get back?”

“Probably, I’m not really ready to face the world yet today…”

Zelena nodded, resting her hand on the back of Robin’s head as she lead them toward the car, Regina’s attention moving down to Kiara when she nudged her leg, her hand moving to pet Kiara’s head as she looked up to watch Zelena and Robin drive off, thoughts trailing off to Emma again…

“What have I done, girl?” Kiara whimpered, nudging and licking her hand.

She shook her head at herself, walking back into the farmhouse to prepare breakfast for them both.

 

* * *

 

When Zelena returned not long after she found Regina sitting on the floor of her kitchen feeding Kiara bacon while a plate of eggs sat untouched on the counter, Regina insisted it was for Zelena but the redhead knew otherwise…

“What’s your plan for today?” Zelena asked, sitting on the floor across from Regina, learning since her last episode that politely asking about her plans for the day was better than demanding answers.

Regina looked up at her with bloodshot eyes, a despondent shrug the only answer as she scratched behind Kiara’s ears.

“Maybe you should see Archie?”

Regina shrugged again, moving her hands to her lap to fiddle with her fingers, “I need to fix my windows…”

“What?”

“My magic broke them…”

Zelena nodded but a defined frown was on her face as she looked her over, “Okay, and then after that?”

She glanced up at her with unsure eyes, “Do you really think I should see Archie?”

“Did you really make me a plate of eggs?”

Regina’s eyes fell back to her lap, a small, “no,” leaving her mouth a minute later.

Zelena sighed, “Can I be honest?” Regina nodded, “You really need to talk to someone, and I’m here to listen but…” Regina looked up at her, “I think you should see him too.”

“Zelena…what do you think it means?”

“What?”

“If Hope is really mine, what do you think it means?”

“Honest answer?” Regina nodded again, “There’s only one way it could happen, Regina and I think you know what it is…”

Regina looked down at her lap again, “Does that mean,” She sniffled, using the back of her hand to wipe away her tears. “Does that mean it wasn’t real…that…” she shook her head.

“What wasn’t real?” Zelena questioned, brows furrowed in confusion as she tried to follow her train of thought.

“It can’t be…she can’t be, Zel…I’m…” she shook her head. “If she’s mine, everything I once knew was a lie.”

When Regina met her eyes Zelena was floored with the memory of the first time she saw her, when the wizard showed Regina to her that first time, so young, unsure…she never saw her looking that way ever again and yet, here she was, lost and sad, and…searching for something to make sense again. “I don’t understand.”

Tears rolled down Regina’s cheeks, “I’m infertile, how can I…how could I…” she shook her head, “I can’t have children and yet, if this is true, if she’s mine then that means…”

“Oh, that you and Emma are true loves?”

Regina nodded, hugging her legs to her chest, “And if we’re true loves that means Daniel…does it mean he was never my true love? That Robin wasn’t my soulmate?”

Zelena scooted forward, placing her hands on Regina’s knees. “Well, I don’t know about that…I think maybe Daniel was your true love, then, but he died and later on Emma was born and that made her yours…and that doesn’t make your loss any less than it was, he was important to you, Regina, your first love, that doesn’t change because Emma is your true love now…like it didn’t change when you thought Robin was your soulmate…”

“Thought?” Regina frowned.

“He wasn’t exactly a great guy, Regina, you must have known somehow, even when I hated you I thought you could do better than him, he left you and strung you along, he told you he couldn’t be with you then came crawling back to have sex in your vault with his dying wife in stasis in the other room.”

“That was you.”

“He still thought I was his wife! Who he just learnt you killed until Emma changed things…listen, Regina, I know you cared about him, that you loved him, but he was an ass, he never treated you how you deserved to be treated, the only good thing he ever did was sacrifice himself for you.”

“If you hated him so much why did you name Robin after him?”

“Because he may have been a basic bitch but he was a basic bitch that you cared for and he did sacrifice himself for my sister…and I’ll always be grateful to him for that…but, Regina, it’s been years, I think we both know you loved Emma since the day you first laid eyes on her, Robin might have been your soulmate when you were young and Emma hadn’t been born yet but…when you met again he wasn’t good enough for the woman you became, he didn’t challenge you the way Emma did…”

Regina sniffled again, staring down at Kiara comfortably tucked into her side, “I don’t know anymore…nothing makes sense…”

“I know…”

“I just, I need time to process all of this…yesterday my life made sense, I was happy, Emma and I were better and today…today nothing is how it was, everything I thought was fact in my life isn’t anymore, what else have I been wrong about all these years?”

“It’s going to be okay, Regina…”

“Maybe I _should_ talk to Archie…”

“It would probably do you some good.” Regina nodded, letting out a long sigh as her eyes glazed over again, lost in her thoughts once more. Zelena watched her for a few moments before she asked, “When do you think you’ll be ready to talk to Emma?”

“I don’t know…I’m just so…”

“I know…but maybe talking to her will help you figure it out…”

“Maybe…I just…I’m not ready to see her right now…it’s all just so fresh in my mind right now and I don’t want to do anything to hurt her again…”

“I understand.”

Regina looked up at her, lower lip wobbling slightly, “You know how to make pancakes in this timeline, right?”

Zelena laughed, nodding her head, “Yes, you taught me already. Do you want me to make you some?”

Regina nodded, and Zelena chuckled, squeezing her knees before she stood up, “Go lay down in the living room I’ll bring them to you when they’re done.”

“Okay…” Regina sighed, letting Zelena pull her to her feet and she walked toward the couch, curling up on it and wrapping her arms around Kiara when she climbed up with her.

 

* * *

 

“What’s the plan for today?” She asked herself in the mirror three days later, her heart still hurt and every night her dreams were filled with nightmares and her days were filled with thoughts of Emma, of Hope, of what it all meant…of that night when everything had changed. And every time she thought about talking to Emma her mind reminded her of the promise she made to herself after they had slept together, of the time outside of Granny’s when she returned, of the cracking of the glass in her house from her magic…and she was so scared, scared she’d hurt Emma or Hope…but also that she’d be hurt again…because there has to be another answer over true love because Emma didn’t love her…she had been a mistake…Emma could never love someone like her…but…that’s the only answer, wasn’t it?

“Want to go on a hike?” She asked Kiara this time, the dog sitting up in the bed and barking in response and Regina smiled brokenly at her, walking into her closet to pull on her hiking clothes. “let’s go!” she pointed toward the door and Kiara leaped from the bed and out her bedroom door, Regina following slowly behind her, stepping into her hiking shoes, and grabbing Kiara’s leash as she opened the door, not looking knowing Kiara only ever ran as far as the Mercedes in the driveway so when she ran into someone as she moved out the door she let out a surprised scream, almost falling over, two steady hands immediately catching her by her elbows to stop her from landing on her ass.

“Shit! Sorry, Mom!”

“Henry…” She sighed, staring up at the man and shaking her head slowly, “What are you doing here?”

“I came to check on you…”

“Why?” Regina asked, waving him away so she could step out of her house and lock up.

“Ma called me, she’s worried, said you had a fight the other day.”

Regina shook her head at that, practically leaping off the porch and heading toward her car where Kiara was waiting patiently. “There was no reason to worry you, I’m fine.”

“Mom…”

“Really, Henry…I’m fine…and it wasn’t a _fight_.” She unlocked and opened the back door for Kiara to jump in, looking back at Henry, wincing slightly, “at least not exactly…”

“Mom…”

“Don’t look at me like that! I get enough of it from your aunt!”

“I’m sorry…”

Regina sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose with the hand holding Kiara’s leash. “I know, I’m sorry…I’m just…a little on edge.”

Henry looked her over for the first time, “You going for a hike?”

She nodded, smiling slightly, “You can come along if you promise not to bring up your mother.”

“Promise,” Henry offered her a goofy smile and Regina patted his cheek before she ducked in the car, waiting as Henry ran around to the other side and slipped in the passenger seat, doing up his seatbelt as Regina backed out, Regina turning on the stereo and tapping her fingers to the rock music playing from the speakers making Henry smile at her as he thought about what his mom was like as Roni…but also reminding him of the day his mom’s memories returned, he knew just how much his ma could hurt her…had hurt her then but also, how much his mom loved his other mother.

 

* * *

 

They walked silently through the woods for what felt like hours, talking here and there about Henry’s work or Lucy and Ella, Regina doing everything to avoid talking about herself and Emma and it was nice, relaxing, but then they got to the path she usually takes with Emma and Hope and…tears well in her eyes.

Henry let out a long sigh, “Okay, mom, that’s it, tell me what happened between you two.”

Regina shook her head, “You really don’t want to know, darling.”

“I do, I want to help! I hate seeing you like this!” He took a few large steps and turned around, stopping in front of her so she had to stop too.

Regina crossed her arms over her chest as she looked up at him, “No, Henry, you really don’t…”

“I do! You don’t have to protect me, mom, I’m not a kid anymore! I can handle the fact that you and ma fight.”

Regina shook her head, stepping past him as she whined, “You promised me we’d never talk about this again!”

“What are you talking about?” Henry jogged after her, placing his hand on her arm to stop her, Regina avoiding his eyes as he frowned down at her in confusion, “The only thing I promised not to discuss with you again was your love li–” Regina glanced cautiously up at him as he grimaced, “Oh gross! You and Ma?!”

Regina’s expression matched his, “I told you you didn’t want to know!”

Henry shook his head, “No, I’m fine…just, I need a moment to process.”

Regina shifted on her feet, looking off towards Kiara who was happily rolling around in the leaves covering the forest floor.

Henry rubbed his hands over his face, “Okay, I’m just…confused…if you were…” he paused face scrunching up at the thought, Regina glancing back at him, “ _together_ …” she bit her cheek to stop from laughing at his expression. “Then why are you fighting? Shouldn’t you be like happy? In the honeymoon stage? I know after Ella and I… _got together_ ,” they both grimaced, “I was walking on air, and we couldn’t be separated if we tried! So I don’t understand…you’re madly in love with Ma, she is I love with you…shouldn’t you be in relationship bliss right now?”

Regina shrugged, turning and walking, she couldn’t stand and have this discussion with her son. “It wasn’t…” She sighed, shaking her head, “It’s complicated, Henry.”

“Everything is complicated with you two!”

“Henry…”

“No, mom, you two have been in love with each other since I was like 11 years old! It’s not that complicated…I don’t know why you guys make it that way all the time!”

“She did this! She called me a mistake, Henry! Don’t yell at me! I didn’t sign up for this! I didn’t ask for this!” She exclaimed, frustrated tears pouring from her eyes as she stormed off, leaving Henry to stare after her in confusion for a solid minute.

“What do you mean she called you a mistake?! Mom! Jesus!” Henry stomped his foot in frustration, mirroring his mothers' mannerisms before he stormed after her. “Do you want me to yell at her?”

“No…” Regina sighed, shaking her head before she turned to look at him, folding her arms protectively across her chest again. “As I said, it’s complicated…”

“I don’t understand why ma would say that though…”

Regina looked up at him with pleading eyes, “Because it was…we shouldn’t have…we were stupid and drunk and…things got out of control…”

“But ma isn’t drinking right now…cause of Hope.”

“She’s not…”

“Then how was she…” Regina met his eyes with ones he could only describe as scared and guilty, “Oh mom…what happened?”

Regina shrugged, wiping away her tears, her shoulders slumped as she stared down at her feet, “It was a few months before you sent for us to help you…your ma and Hook got in a fight…and we…” She shrugged, “Well you don’t need to know but…I loved her and she didn’t love me back…”

“Mom…I know that’s not true…”

“I was a mistake to her, Henry…”

“I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that…”

“You weren’t there.”

“Yeah, and you have a tendency of thinking you’re not good enough.”

“Henry!” she gasped.

“I’m just being honest, mom…you always think you don’t deserve happiness and love when out of everyone in the whole world you deserve it the most!” Regina shook her head. “I’m serious, mom! You deserve to be happy! You’re worth fighting for and…if anyone has proven they will fight for you its, well it’s ma…even if it’s in the dumbest most reckless of ways…”

“She doesn’t love me, Henry…she can’t…I’m–”

“We just went over this!”

Regina frowned, shaking her head, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Henry. I’m tired.”

“Mom!” Henry called out when she started walking away, rushing to catch up with her, “I’m sorry…I just…I want you to be happy…and it kills me to see you keep sabotaging your chance at it with Ma…”

“I’m not…I just…need to think…”

Henry watched her silently as they walked, thinking back on everything they just discussed when something struck him. “Wait, when you say a few months before I sent for you…”

Regina looked at him with tear filled eyes once again, “about 13 weeks to be exact…”

Henry came to a sudden stop, eyes wide as they met Regina’s when she stopped in front of him, eyeing him cautiously again. “I…really?”

Regina shrugged, “That’s what your ma, grandma, and aunt believe…”

“And you don’t?”

“It’s…complicated…”

“I mean…besides the fact that you’re both women…what else is there?”

Regina let out a long sigh, “I can’t have children, Henry.”

“I know…or at least I always figured…”

Regina wrapped her arms protectively around her middle again, “I don’t know what to do, Henry…it’s all so inconceivable but then I look at her and I just…”

“See it?” Regina nodded. “She looks just like you…” Henry smiled softly, reaching out to squeeze Regina’s shoulders, “I don’t know how I didn’t see it sooner…she looks nothing like ma or Hook.”

Regina snorted, the laugh bursting out of her through her tears, shaking her head at him. “It’s all so impossible…”

“True love is the most powerful magic of all, this isn’t exactly out of its league.”

“I wouldn’t…”

“Oh don’t tell me you’re in denial about that too…the baby thing I get but this, C'mon! It’s obvious!”

“Henry…”

“No, mom, listen to me…if I’ve learnt anything over the years from you and Ma and grandma and gramps…it’s true love -and being the author hasn’t hurt in that regard either…but, what I’m trying to say is that you and Ma show every sign of being true loves, you even share one,” Regina looked up at him with an affectionate smile. “What’s true love?”

“Magic.”

“What kinda magic?”

Regina rolled her eyes affectionately, “The most powerful magic of all.”

“And what is yours and Ma’s magic when you combine it?”

“Unstoppable?”

“Yes, you broke a seal that was forged by Gods! You created an eclipse to save me, crossed realms to save each other!”

“Henry…”

“No, what is true love?”

“Henry…”

“Answer me, Mom, what. Is. True. Love? Magic, what else?”

Regina stubbornly placed her hands on her hips as she answered, “Sacrifice.”

“And you and ma have sacrificed yourselves countless times for each other! Ma jumped in front of the wraith, you absorbed the death curse, and Ma sacrificed herself to the darkness for you! And that’s just to name the few that come to mind!”

“Henry…please…just–”

“No, I won’t let you be in denial about this, everyone can see it why can’t you?!”

“Please…”

“What is true love?!”

“Henry, stop.”

“No! Tell me, what can true love do?!”

Her lower lip wobbled, “It can cross any realm…”

“Do I really need to point out how many times you’ve crossed realms for each other?” Regina shook her head.

“What can true loves do?”

“I am not saying that!”

Henry laughed, “True loves will always find each other…”

Regina grimaced, “Charmings…”

 

“Which was proven when you made a wish on a lamp to take you to ma even if the genie could screw you over…not knowing where that wish would take you but trusting and having faith it would bring you to Ma.”

“Henry…”

“That’s true love, mom! Textbook true love! Your combined magic is the true love colours for crying out loud!” Regina shook her head, walking away from him and dropping onto a log not far away, Kiara abandoning the stick she was gnawing on and sitting next to her, placing her head in Regina’s lap and Regina automatically started petting her as she sat in silence, Henry moving to sit next to her a second later. “Why are you so scared to accept this?”

“Everyone I’ve ever loved has died…” Regina admitted, meeting Henry’s eyes as tears flowed from hers once again, “I wouldn’t survive if I lost your mother again…”

“Mom…” Regina shook her head, “So that’s it? You’re scared of losing Ma?”

“Yes…and…” She met his eyes, “My heart can’t take being broken like that again…I’m just starting to get better after everything if I lose her, even just her friendship…I might not survive it…”

“But your heart’s breaking by not doing anything too…”

Regina sighed, dropping her head to his shoulder and Henry wrapped his arm around her comfortingly. “I know…but this I am good at handling…”

“Just because you’re good at it it doesn’t mean it’s the better option…you have a chance to be happy here, mom, really truly happy, don’t throw that away cause you’re scared.”

Regina pulled away, meeting his eyes as she confessed, “You don’t understand what it’s like, Henry…and I’m so glad you don’t but…I watched the man I love get killed in front of my very eyes, I learnt betrayal that I couldn’t even begin to explain…and your mother, even if she didn’t mean to she hurt me, hurt me like nobody else ever could, she hurt me in a way I never thought she would and, I don’t know if I can trust her with my heart again no matter how much I want to.”

“I know losing Daniel was hard, mom, I’m not saying this will be easy but he’d want you to be happy…”

Regina laughed brokenly, “You know, he said something similar to me before…”

“Oh?”

Regina rested her head back on Henry’s shoulder, “Yeah…he would have liked you…”

Henry smiled down at her, “I’m sure I’d like him too.”

Regina sighed, “He was a lot like your Ma, you know…”

“Oh?”

“Brave, loving, he gave me strength when I thought I couldn’t do something or go on…he made me laugh…and, he made me feel safe…”

“Sounds like true love to me…”

“Yeah…”

“You know just because ma’s your true love and you love her and all that it doesn’t mean what you had with him was anything less than what it was…doesn’t mean you love him any less either…”

“That’s what your aunt said…”

“Well, she’s right too,” Henry let out a sigh, “If you taught me anything it’s that there’s always enough room in your heart for everyone, my love for ma didn’t change how much I love you, and your love for Ry…and Hope, doesn’t mean you love me any less…there’s enough room in your heart for us all, mom, especially your heart…it’s the biggest most resilient heart in all the realms, you’ve lived through so much, you deserve to be happy…”

Regina sniffled, wiping her tears from her eyes and Henry pulled her closer to his chest, kissing the top of her head. “I’m scared.”

“I know, but avoiding Ma isn’t going to help matters…you need to talk to her, about Hope…and how you feel… because there’s no way you can trust her with your heart again if you don’t at least express what she did back then hurt you…and why it did.”

“When did you get so wise?” She asked through her tears and Henry chuckled.

“I had pretty great moms to teach me…”

“I love you, Henry…”

“I know, I love you too, Mom.”

“I promise I’ll talk to your ma…but I just…I still need a bit more time…”

“Okay…but just don’t wait too long…she’s really worried.”

“I promise…and…just tell her I’m fine, will you?”

“Yeah…I can tell her that…”

Henry kissed the top of her head again then pulled away, smiling down at her, “What do you say we head back and we make some cocoa and apple cinnamon pancakes?”

“Isn’t it a little late for pancakes?”

“It’s never too late for pancakes, mom!”

Regina laughed, reaching up to hold his cheeks, smiling at him as she bent his head down to place a kiss to his forehead. “You are your mother’s son.”

“So that’s a yes?”

“Yes…but just because I taught you how to cook.”

Henry chuckled, standing up and reaching down to help her to her feet, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as he led them back to Regina’s car.

 

* * *

 

Another few days passed and she still hadn’t worked up the courage to talk to Emma again, she saw her in passing the other day while at town hall and Regina’s heart plummeted into her gut so fast she was sure she would be sick…and she’s just a little ashamed that she, a grown woman and a queen, ran away from the maddening woman like she was an awkward teen with a schoolgirl crush.

She skipped her last session with Archie to sit at home and sulk with a bottle of cider trying not to let the intrusive thoughts that still swarmed her mind win out…she did not succeed, she barely made it through whatever movie was playing on the TV before she found herself hiding in the far corner of her closet, eyes wide in terror because she was _sure_ the king was in her house.

It was nearly two weeks, and as she sat curled up in the only secure place she could think of she found she wanted Emma, craved the safety she brought at that moment while she stared at the many mirrors that decorated the walls of her safe room in the vault praying to every god she could think of –except Zeus, Zeus can go fuck himself– that they’d make the nightmares and the touch of the king’s clammy hands on her body go away.

She hadn’t been this bad in months, she was always distracted, always able to push away the nightmares and flashbacks because something would happen that would scare away the shadows, the brightest light in her life…it wasn’t until day ten that she realized that bright light was Emma and Hope…her family that used to just surround her at every waking moment, a welcome distraction for the demons that now haunted her.

Kiara sat at her side, posture regal as she stared at the door, keeping guard while also trying to bring comfort and strength to Regina who had been trembling for the last 3 hours in abject terror. She buried her head against her knees, eyes squeezed tightly shut praying the images would stop invading her brain, begging for the taunting voice of her darker half and the memories of the drunken disaster that was her first time with Emma because even if hearing her say she was a mistake over and over again hurt her to no end it was safer…it didn’t scare her it just…broke her already mangled heart and that was nothing new.

Kiara yipped and nudged at her to try and get her to snap out of it but there was no use, her brain was in a disastrous spiral down the endless pit of despair and trauma that was her very long and lonely life…memories playing through her mind like a movie, so fresh and sometimes she could still feel everything she was subjected to from her own mother to the king to Owen…she was starting to think maybe locking herself away wasn’t a good idea after all but all her loved ones wanted to do was talk, and she just didn’t have the energy for it anymore.  

 

* * *

 

Day 12 at least brought her back to her home…because day 11 resulted in such a painful breakdown she destroyed her safe room, mirrored glass and shredded dresses covered the room, her throat raw from the anguished screaming she had done the whole time, still able to hear Kiara’s barks ringing in her ears from where she was located safely away from Regina as she broke down. So day 12 involved bandaging her wounds and drinking scotch on her kitchen floor watching Kiara eat her dinner while Regina picked at the lasagna she had heated up in the oven, numbness filling her whole body to the point where she was sure if she stuck her hand in a fire she wouldn’t feel a thing…though, of course, she didn’t attempt it.

She laid out on the cool grass in her backyard staring up at the stars, liking how the cold felt against her skin and the darkness hid her sadness…how out here nothing reminded her of anyone but Emma, surrounded by that small portion of safety she had left…making her question why she was really hiding from her in the first place.

“What do you want to do today?” She asked herself, her words slurring together. She was staring up at the stars that decorated the sky when suddenly the doorbell rang, Kiara bolted through the house to the front door barking and growling before she ran back to Regina when she made no move to even see who was on the other side of the door.

There was banging a second later but Regina kept ignoring it, staring up at the night sky as she thought about everything, wondering if she could ever be happy and how true Henry was about her always sabotaging her own chance at true happiness.

“Regina?”

“Great, now I’m hallucinating…” she muttered bitterly when she swore she heard Emma’s voice because that was impossible…right?

“What the hell are you doing out here in such little clothes?! It’s October, Regina!”

She turned her head, blinking up at the sight of the blonde huddled in her red leather jacket and a ridiculously adorable beanie. “Am I hallucinating?”

“No, Regina, you’re just trying to get hypothermia!” Regina reached up to rub her eyes just in case, staring dumbly at Emma who was petting Kiara to calm the distraught animal, her eyes moving from Regina’s body to the empty bottle of booze lying next to her. “What the fuck were you thinking?!”

“Hey!” Regina shot up to a seated position, eyes squeezing shut as the world spun around her. “You do-don’t get to come into my home and talk to me like that!” Regina slurred and Emma rolled her eyes.

“Henry told me you were fine, that you needed space, and I let you have it, even let you have it after you literally ran away from me but when Zelena called me today yelling about your vault being trashed well,” Emma threw her hands up, “I can’t just leave you be while you’re obviously hurting! I made you a promise, and you know what, I’m keeping it, fuck your pride, Regina, fuck all of this!”

“You have no right–”

“Oh save it!” Emma exclaimed, grabbing Regina’s hands as she gestured wildly at her, yanking her to her feet and then, somehow Regina wasn’t sure how she scooped her up into her arms.

“Put me down!” She demanded, the words slurred together as she clumsily slapped at Emma’s chest but Emma ignored her, Kiara didn’t even try and stop her, somehow knowing Emma was trying to help Regina even as Regina bitched and screamed and cussed Emma out.

“What if Henry found you like this?! Did you ever think of that?!”

“Don’t sound so righteous,” Regina slurred, “You abandoned him.”

Emma rolled her eyes as she carried her through the house and up the stairs, anger radiating off of her as the seconds passed. “I can’t believe you…”

“Fuck you.”

Emma muttered something under her breath as she walked into Regina’s bedroom, the hall light brightening the room enough for her to get to Regina’s bed, bending down to place her down on it before she wordlessly turned around and flicked on the bedroom light. “What were you thinking?!” Emma demanded as she spun around, flinging her arms out at her sides to look at Regina sitting on the bed with what could only be murder in her eyes.

“You have no right to judge me!”

“Jesus! I’m not judging you! I’m worried about you!” Emma exclaimed, storming to Regina’s dresser to pull out dry clothes for her, eyes moving to the gauze on Regina’s hands, knees and the small nicks covering her legs and arms, and even a few on her face, “What the fuck did you do?!”

“Nothing…”

Emma sighed, leaning on the dresser, eyes squeezed shut as she tried to calm herself down, knowing damn well yelling at her wasn’t going to get her anywhere. “I’m sorry…”

“What?” the one word coming out slurred and Emma looked up into the mirror to see Regina as she swayed from where she sat on the bed.

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you…but I’m worried, Regina…”

“I’m fine…”

Emma shook her head at her, grabbing a pair of underwear and socks from the top drawer before shutting it and grabbing pyjamas from the second, tucking them into her arm as she moved back in front of Regina and holding out her hand. “C’mon, let me take a look at those.”

“I’m fine…”

“Please, Regina, for me?”

Regina stared up at her for a few long seconds, blinking slowly before she held out her hand to Emma, letting her help her from the bed and wrap an arm around her as she led them to the bathroom, Regina seeing the sadness in Emma’s eyes was almost as prominent as her own.

Emma placed the pile of clothes on the counter before she lowered Regina onto the toilet seat, kneeling down in front of her before she gently took Regina’s right hand in her own, unwrapping the gauze from it, the silence buzzing around them…and for the first time in days…Regina’s mind was quiet too…focused on Emma’s face and the worried downturn of her lips. Her left hand reaching up without her consent to trace over Emma’s furrowed brow, Emma’s eyes meeting hers in a flash. “What were you thinking?”

Regina’s lower lip wobbled, her hand falling back into her lap, looking down at her hand in Emma’s to watch as the younger woman traced over the cuts in her palm with her finger. “It wouldn’t stop.”

“What wouldn’t?” Emma asked, turning over Regina’s hands to examine her bloody knuckles.

“The voices, the memories…she wanted me to let her back out…”

“Who did?”

“The part of me that made the Evil Queen…the part that protected me from…” She shook her head, frowning down at her hands. “First aid kit is under the sink…”

Emma nodded but just unwrapped Regina’s other hand, then her knees and took the Band-Aids off the tops of her feet. “First, we need to warm you up.”

“I’m fine.”

“Your lips are blue and you’re shivering…you only feel fine because you’re trashed.”  

Regina frowned, watching Emma as she stood up and opened the shower door, turning it on and Regina’s eyes widened and she looked at Emma in alarm. “You better not be giving me a cold shower!”

“Relax, I’m trying to warm you up.” Emma shook her head, testing the water before she moved back to Regina, “Can I help you get undressed and in the shower? No funny business, promise.”

“I–” just then a shiver ran through her body, the warmth from the shower making her realize that she was numb from just how cold she was. Nodding her head slowly as she stared up at the roof, she felt the tears rolling down her cheeks as Emma walked back toward her. “I’m such an idiot…”

“You aren’t…” Emma sighed, reaching down to grab the hem of Regina’s tank top and pull it up a few inches, “arms up.” And when Regina complied Emma pulled the garment over her head, purposely not looking at her bare torso, although the scrapes on her chest pulled Emma’s focus for a second before she gently took Regina’s hands and helped her to stand, Regina gripped lightly onto Emma’s shoulders as Emma slowly pulled her shorts down her hips, leaving her underwear on, Regina’s body trembling as they dropped to the floor and Emma couldn’t stop herself from pulling her into a comforting hug when a sob broke out from Regina’s mouth.

Regina’s arms wrapped around Emma’s neck, holding on tightly as she sobbed into her neck, Emma rubbing Regina’s back slowly, trying not to focus on the bare skin under her palms. “I gotchu…” Emma sighed, kissing her shoulder and hugging her tightly before slowly lowering her back on the toilet so Emma could shimmy out of her skinny jeans and pull off her jacket and t-shirt.

“I-I’m s-sorry…” Regina shivered and Emma shook her head, helping her back onto her feet and into the shower, pulling the door closed when they were both inside and hugging Regina close to her body again as they stood under the warm spray, Regina shaking from both the cold and the sobs that wouldn’t stop no matter how hard she willed them to.

Regina let out a long breath, her mind playing those few seconds before Emma had run off the night they had sex, that feeling of love and safety and bliss she had at that moment back again, like it had when she woke up in bed with Emma, tangled up together…here they were, half-naked in her shower holding each other tighter than they ever have, both scared the other might vanish and…it was because Regina got drunk and reckless and nearly got hypothermia while laying out in the cold in just shorts and a tank top for three hours.

Regina buried her face in Emma’s neck, hands clinging to Emma’s back and standing on the balls of her feet to curl herself around her, their bodies moulded perfectly together as she trembled with sobs. Emma holding on just as tightly, one hand tangled in Regina’s soaked hair cradling the back of her head while the other wrapped around her waist, keeping her secure in her grasp, peppering kisses on her shoulder here and there because she didn’t know what else to do. The intimacy of the moment didn’t escape them but Regina wasn’t sober enough to freak out and Emma was too worried about the woman to even think about letting her go especially as her sobs kept up.

“Shhh, baby, it’s okay,” Emma breathed, not even noticing the term of endearment as she kissed Regina’s shoulder, Regina nuzzling into her neck, sobbing harder. Emma knowing it was probably safe to get out of the water now that Regina’s body was warm against hers but the thought of letting go of her at the moment was harder than she imagined.

After another few minutes, Regina’s trembling stopped, only sniffles and a few gasping breaths heard here and there before Regina lowered herself back down, her death grip around Emma loosening, her hands falling to Emma’s hips, thumbs brushing over her skin as she tried to calm her breathing. Another few moments passed and Regina finally pulled back, eyes staring at Emma’s shoulder instead of looking at her in the eye as she whispered, “Sorry…”

“It’s okay,” Emma breathed, smile crooked as she tried to search out Regina’s eyes.

Regina glanced up, eyes travelling over her chin, up to her nose then her eyebrows trying to avoid those sad green eyes if it’s the last thing she could do but when Emma brushed Regina's hair out of her face, thumb running over her ear thoughtfully Regina couldn’t stop herself from meeting Emma’s eyes and what she saw in them stopped her breathing instantly. “Emma…”

She blinked, eyes focusing back on Regina’s, her hand dropping to Regina’s shoulder even as the other squeezed her hip, steadying her as Regina swayed slightly. “We should get you to bed…”

“Em–” she stopped as Emma wrapped her arm around her waist, holding her to her body as she leaned forward to pull open the shower door, maneuvering them so Emma’s back was facing the now open door, one glance behind her and Emma stepped out of the shower, hands gripping Regina’s hips once more then took one hand at a time, gripping onto her fingers now, like the tighter her hold the more stable she’d be. “I can walk, Emma.”

Emma frowned deeply, gripping her hands even tighter as Regina stumbled when she moved to step out of the shower, “Slowly.” Regina rolled her eyes but did as instructed, internally cursing both herself and Emma for her predicament.

Emma let go of one of Regina’s hands to grab a towel, Regina’s instantly going to Emma’s shoulder, her eyes closing as she waited for the fuzzy towel to wrap snugly around her body, Regina letting go of Emma’s other hand to tuck the corner of the towel into the part wrapped snuggly around her body.

“Are you okay?” Emma asked as she directed her to sit on the toilet, grabbing the other towel to wrap around herself before she moved to shut off the shower. Regina nodded, tucking her hair behind her ears as she stared down at her knees, fiddling with the corner of the grey towel. “Do your hands hurt?”

Regina’s eyes widened as she watched Emma take her hand, squatting before her again, the first aid kit open on the floor next to her and a smaller towel in her other hand. “I don’t know…I can’t really feel much of anything right now…”

“Oh…” Emma’s eyes remained on her hand, flipping it over to look at the fresh cuts on them. “I guess we will have to wait until you’re sober for me to see if anything is broken then…” Regina frowned, moving to retract her hand as the feeling of judgement seeped into her but Emma held to the tips of her fingers to keep her there. “I’m not judging you,” Emma shook her head, the movement making water splash across them both, Emma chuckling brokenly, “We’ve all been there before…I once put my fist through my wall when I got angry.”

Regina finally met her eyes, head tilting in confusion as she just watched Emma, sure that she saw love in her eyes. “I don’t deserve your kindness…”

Emma shrugged, “well you’re getting it…” she smirked, standing up and leaning over Regina to start scrubbing at Regina’s soaked hair with the towel, not letting Regina get away from her and ignoring as she shoved at her hands.

“Stop it, Emma, I’m drunk not a child.”

“Shush you.”

Emma kept it up until she considered Regina’s hair dry enough before she stood before her, using the damp towel to ring out her own hair, watching Regina closely while Regina looked at the closed bathroom door, the shadow of Kiara showing from under the door where she laid against it on the other side.

They stayed silent after that, Regina just watching Emma as she cleaned her cuts and wrapped them back up in gauze, and covering the smaller ones in band-aids. After she placed the last band-aid on Regina’s foot she smiled up at her, Regina eyeing her curiously before Emma stood, holding out her hands for Regina to take and once she hesitantly took them Emma helped her stand up. “I’m going to hold onto your shoulders and close my eyes and you are going to put on your underwear, okay?”

“I don’t need your help getting dressed.”

" _O-kay?_ ” Emma enunciated and with a roll of her eyes Regina relented, unwrapping her towel, smirk on her face as Emma’s eyes widened then snapped shut, an evil cackle leaving Regina as she let the towel drop to the floor then shimmied out of her soaked underwear, letting those fall too before reaching for the clean pair on the edge of the sink, slowly raising her right leg to slip them on, but even with Emma holding on she stumbled, pulling Emma with her, who fumbled to get a good hold of her, at once Emma’s towel fell to the floor just before she pulled Regina tightly against her body, both of them gasping loudly as their bodies pressed together, Emma setting her jaw to stop herself from thinking about how Regina was currently nude against her. “Tell me something gross.”

Regina chuckled and then they both froze, feeling her body brush against Emma’s, Regina having to bite her lip to keep from giggling as she heard Emma quietly say to herself, “dead puppies, my parents kissing, granny in a bikini.” Over and over.

“Just…” Regina sighed, “I’ll sit on the toilet and get them started.”

“Right…” Emma nodded to herself, “Why can you speak so clearly but not stand?”

Regina shrugged, moving away from Emma, their hands clasped again as she lowered herself to the toilet, their hands falling away, Regina’s eyes tracing over Emma’s body for a moment, freezing over the stretch marks covering her belly, both fresh and old and Regina couldn’t help but reach out, finger hovering over the marks, Emma gasping in a sharp breath, Regina’s hand dropping away and looking up to Emma’s face to see her eyes looking toward the ceiling, her mouth still moving with her now silent mantra. “Ready.” Emma nodded, holding out her hands and Regina took them, waiting as Emma took hold of her shoulders again so she could pull her underwear on the rest of the way. “Done.”

“Pull on your shirt, then I’ll help with your pants.”

Regina nodded, the air around them awkward and heated all at the same time. She reached for the warn band T from Roni’s collection, pulling it over her head, a long sigh leaving her mouth, looking down at her lap as she tried to collect herself again as tears started to burn her eyes once again, jumping slightly when Emma’s hand fell to her shoulder.

“Sorry.”

“I-it’s okay…” she stuttered as she looked up at Emma, blueish green eyes locking with hers instantly, Emma slowly lowering herself to crouch in front of her again as she helped her step into the silk pants, pulling them as far as they can go before somehow they both stood in perfect sync, Emma pulling her pants up the rest of the way, Emma’s hands rested on her hips again, thumbs running against her bare skin from where they rested under her shirt. Regina unsure what came over her at that moment but she pulled Emma back into her, hugging her tightly, once again burying her head in Emma’s neck, breathing her in. “I missed you…”

Emma let out a long sigh, wrapping her arms around Regina again as she breathed, “I missed you too…”

After a few long moments Regina pulled back, looking Emma over, “You need dry clothes…you made me wet,” Emma snorted and Regina playfully slapped her arm. “Really, Miss Swan?!”

Emma giggled for a few extra seconds, looking down to the two wet spots on the front of Regina’s T-shirt, eyes snapping back up when Regina cleared her throat, giving Emma that trademark unimpressed yet amused look of hers that warmed Emma’s soul like no other. “Sorry…” She blushed, magically changing into a pair of pyjamas, smiling proudly at Regina who glared at her, slapping her arm again. “Ow! What was that for?!”

“Why didn’t you do that with me?!”

Emma frowned, “I’ve never magically dressed another person before…I didn’t wanna hurt you…”

It was really hard for Regina to stay annoyed but she refused to let Emma know that, so she did her best to look annoyed…what she didn’t know was that in her state of inebriation it was not a look of annoyance she was sending Emma’s way but actually one of affection.

“C’mon, let’s get you to bed…” Regina didn’t fight this time, letting Emma wrap her arm around her waist as she walked them toward the bedroom.

Regina pointed at the bed when Kiara looked up, “Bed,” she commanded and Kiara did just that, Emma and Regina following behind her and once at the bed Emma helped lower Regina onto it, Regina watching Emma as she moved around the room, turning on the bedside lamp, and turning off the bedroom light before she disappeared into the bathroom again. Regina laid back on the mattress and closed her eyes, breathing deeply as her mind tried to wander again, she was starting to get lost in it when she felt the mattress dip, head turning to look at Emma who was slowly laying down next to her. “What are you doing?”

“Laying down.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

Regina sighed, Emma turning her head to meet Regina’s annoyed glare with sparkling eyes, “Because isn’t an answer.”

“Perhaps…” Emma shrugged, looking back at the ceiling, Regina watching her once again as she waited to see if she’d say anything else. “Go to sleep, Regina.”

“I’m not tired.”

“Bullshit,” Regina gasped, shifting up onto her elbow to glare down at Emma.

“Excuse me?”

“You look like someone punched you in the face.”

“Maybe someone did.”

Emma rolled her eyes, “Lay down,” Regina stubbornly shook her head and Emma huffed, shoving her so Regina fell onto her back, “Good, now roll on your side.”

“Emma…”

“Do it.”

“You’re a pain in my ass.”

“I know. Now do it.”

“Fine.” Regina huffed, rolling on her side and then suddenly Emma was wrapped around her body, successfully spooning her. “What are you doing?!”

“Comforting you. Now, close your eyes and get some sleep.”

“Emma…I…”

“Please, this way I can be sure you won’t roll over in your sleep and aspirate on your own vomit.”

“I’m not that drunk…”

“Please…” And Regina couldn’t help but relent when she remembered who this woman really was, not the one who had broken her heart, or someone who had deeply hurt her but her best friend, the woman she loved, the mother of her…children…no matter how odd a thought that was it was still true…and lastly, that she might just be her true love and her presence, still when she wants to be upset at her, it comforts her like nobody else’s does, so she relaxed in her hold, letting Emma have this one thing because if she were being honest with herself she wanted it too, craved it just as much.

Emma smiled against her shoulder and Regina’s mind started spinning, trying to understand why that one thing made her feel happier than she’s been since she saw her last. Her hand moving to rest over Emma’s tangling their fingers together as sleep slowly started taking over, and for the first time in two weeks, Regina welcomed it…hoping with Emma wrapped around her maybe she wouldn’t have any nightmares because she always felt safe in her arms.

 

* * *

 

“Stop! Please!” she called out in her sleep, eyebrows scrunched together, and her limbs flailing around, her elbow connecting with Emma’s ribs startling her out of her sleep with gasping breaths. “I don’t want to, please.”

Kiara yelped and growled from where she was sitting on the floor face in Regina’s as she tried to wake her.

Emma reached out, hand just touching Regina’s arm when she felt the spark of Regina’s magic sear her fingertips. “Regina, it’s a dream, you’re okay,” She husked, pouring her own magic from her fingers, looking at Kiara as she barked again. “This happens often, huh?” she asked the dog even though she knew she wouldn’t get a response.

“Em-ma,” Regina sighed, Emma looking back down to see the shimmering of her magic wrapping safely around the woman, Emma’s hand finally being allowed to brush over her bare arm.

“I’m here, it’s okay…I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again, I promise.”

Regina’s brows furrowed again and Emma reached out to comb her fingers through tangled dark curls. “Emma?” Regina’s expression now turning into one of confusion as she rolled over towards her, eyes blinking open as a hand reached up, brushing over Emma’s face like she couldn’t believe she was actually there.

“Yeah, it’s me, I’m here.”

Regina just blinked up at her, still feeling Emma’s magic buzzing through her veins calming her own magic as it tried to break free. “H-ho. _Oh_ ” she cut herself off as last night hit her along with a horrible headache, “Ow…”

Emma smiled softly, leaning into the hand still on her cheek. “You okay?”

“Tingly,” Regina frowned after a second, hand dropping from Emma’s face and moving to brush over Kiara’s head when she nudged Regina’s shoulder again. “Ugh, what was I thinking?” her left arm moved from where it was nestled against Emma’s thigh to drape over her eyes.

“I don’t think you were doing much thinking.” Regina groaned in agreement, mind swirling and spinning as it tried to process everything, remembering the feel of Emma’s body pressed against her naked skin, remembering the feather-light kisses placed on her shoulder and temple. Remembered what it was like to fall asleep in Emma’s arms, and then…waking up to her comforting touch and magic, and worried eyes which reminded her of the nightmare, a deep frown etched over her features suddenly, forcing her eyes shut as her heart started beating erratically. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Kiara,” Regina husked, “Search.” The dog barked, running around the room and checking every corner.

“Regina, what’s she…” Emma noticed as Regina’s magic started oozing out again, creating that protective barrier around her and Emma frowned. “What do you need?”

Regina’s eyes were open now, searching the dark room until those words registered and she stared right at Emma, the bedside lamp turning on seemingly on its own. “Did you lock the doors?” She looked at the closed bedroom door, magic opening it and Kiara was out of it in a dash, “Did I lock the windows?”

“Hey,” Emma said, hand falling onto Regina’s knee as it was pulled tightly to the woman’s chest. “You’re safe, nobody is going to hurt you. It was just a nightmare.”

Regina shook her head, her hands moving to grip Emma’s face and look into her eyes, “You’re real, right?”

“I am.”

“He’s not here?”

“No, nobody is here but me and Kiara.”

“I’m safe?”

“Yes, I promise you, you’re safe. You know I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

Regina nodded slowly, moving to sit on her knees and press her forehead against Emma’s, breathing deeply. “Remind me.”

“Of what?”

“That he’s dead.” Regina sniffled, and Emma instantly pulled her against her body in a tight hug, Regina clinging to her. “Tell me I’m imagining him in every darkened corner, that it’s just memories that he’s not here.”

“He’s dead, he can’t hurt you, he’s not here, he’ll never hurt you again, and he’ll never lay a hand on you again.”

Regina nodded into her neck breathing in Emma’s scent, Emma’s calming magic suddenly oozing into her body. “Make it stop.”

“Okay…” Emma said, kissing the side of her head, “Close your eyes, Regina.” After a few seconds, Regina squeezed her eyes shut, nuzzling further into Emma’s neck, hearing Emma whisper the calming spell Regina had taught her years ago when Emma was having troubles sleeping during the time of her prophecy and the aftermath of her death. “I gotchu.”

“Emma…” she sighed as her body slumped against Emma’s, Emma laying down on the bed with Regina draped over her, rubbing Regina’s back with one hand while the other combed the tangles out of her hair; when Kiara returned to the room a few minutes later, Emma magically shut the bedroom door as Kiara tucked herself against Regina’s side.

Emma stared up at the ceiling, eyes looking across the room and jumping when she saw the shadow of a chair that looked an awful lot like a man in the corner of the room, Emma waved her hand to move the chair to make it seem less daunting, especially if seen by a traumatized woman in the middle of the night.

“Where’s Hope?” She heard about an hour later, the words ghosting over her neck sending chills down Emma’s spine.

“My parents are watching her.”

Regina nodded against her neck, “I’m sorry, about all this…”

“I know, me too…” they both let out a deep sigh, “I shouldn’t have just dropped something so big on you like that but like…it hit me and I couldn’t keep it to myself…I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“No, you don’t…you don’t need to apologize, I’m not mad at you, Emma, I’m confused, sure, but I’m not mad…”

“Then why did you kick me out?”

Regina frowned against her skin, fingers playing with the hem of the t-shirt Emma was wearing. “I was scared…I didn’t want to hurt you…”

“Oh…” Emma breathed, kissing the top of Regina’s head. “And now?”

“Confused, lost…” Regina let out a long sigh, moving her hand to move Kiara so she could sit up, hugging her legs to her chest as she confessed. “I’m not well, Emma…”

Emma sat up too, legs crossed as she fiddled with her fingers, “I’m not asking you to be…I understand that you’re dealing with a lot right now, but I just…I thought we were getting better? I thought we were getting to a good place and then…”

“I know, we were…are…” Regina shook her head, “It’s complicated, Emma.”

“How? I don’t understand, Regina, I thought we got past what I did…”

“I thought so too!” Regina yelled and Emma jumped slightly, meeting Regina’s tear-filled eyes.

“Then what’s wrong?! What do you need me to do?!”

“It’s complicated!”

“No, it’s not! Tell me what you need! Do you want a DNA test?! Will that help?!”

“No!” Regina yelled back, throwing up her hands, crossing her legs, both looking down when Regina’s knees connected with Emma’s. “It’s not about Hope…not really…”

“Then what’s it about?”

Regina met her eyes, the look throwing Emma but the words that came next nearly broke her heart in two, “You used me just like they did!”

Emma swayed in spot, a small, “oh,” leaving her mouth, hands moving to tangle in her hair as she buried her face in them, feeling like she got the rug pulled out from under her, feeling like she might just throw up because she never wanted to…she never. “I never wanted to…I…fuck, Regina,” She shook her head, meeting Regina’s tear-filled eyes with her own, “You know I never wanted to make you feel that way…”

“But you did…”

“I-I’m so sorry…”

Regina looked away, “I know…but it doesn’t just make that feeling go away, Emma…you used me like everyone else has my whole life…”

“R’gina…” Emma’s voice cracked, reaching out for Regina’s hands but she pulled them from her grasp, wrapping them protectively around her middle. “I’m–” Emma stopped suddenly, shaking her head, not knowing what she could even say, how she could begin to explain and make it up to her.

“I never thought you’d do that to me…”

“I was an idiot.”

Regina laughed brokenly, eyes meeting Emma’s shyly for a second before she laid back down, Emma watching her silently for a few moments. “We were drunk and it shouldn’t have happened but…” a tear escaped Regina’s eye and she quickly reached up to wipe it away before it rolled into her ear.

Emma sighed, dropping down next to her, “I know…”

Regina let out a long sigh, both falling silent for a few long moments, staring at the way the light reflected on the ceiling. “You hurt me…”

“I know, and I’m sorry.”

“I hurt you too…”

Emma sighed, “You did…”

“I’m sorry.”

Emma tangled their fingers together, both sighing again, “What can I do to fix this?”

“I don’t know…” Regina squeezed her fingers, “Archie thinks it’s less about what you did that night and more about what…” her eyes squeezed shut and her hold on Emma’s hand tightened almost painfully. “What the king did to me…”

“Oh…”

“Yeah…” Regina sniffled eyes squeezing shut against the memories. “I am not very good at trusting people…and you…” Regina shook her head, falling silent, it was just so hard to admit these things.

“And I?”

“You were the first person I trusted in a long time…”

“And then I fucked up…”

“We both fucked up…”

“But I called you a mistake.”

A small sob broke out from Regina’s mouth upon hearing those words, Emma pulling Regina’s hand up to her mouth and placing a kiss on the back of it. “I felt so dirty after…used…”

“Like when…”

“No!” Regina almost yelled, “You didn’t make me feel like him…not really…” She shook her head, “It’s complicated.”

“Explain it.”

“You made me feel more like Robin did…like you just needed to get off and I was the perfect person to use for that purpose.”

“Oh…”

Regina glanced over, seeing Emma’s jaw tense making her heart clench in her chest, squeezing Emma’s hand slightly. “But I wanted to sleep with you, so it’s different…I initiated the kiss, heck, I did most of the work.” Emma chuckled lowly, squeezing Regina’s hand back, letting them fall back between their bodies. “What happened with us was a big complicated mess…and I’m just trying to figure out how to differentiate the feeling from you rejecting me with what happened in my past.”

They were silent as Emma absorbed everything she just said, “You wanted to sleep with me…”

“I mean that was rather obvious–”

“No, I mean…you wanted to sleep with me but you…did you not want to sleep with Robin?” Regina gasped on a small sob, her grip tight on Emma’s. “Did you not want to sleep with the king either?” Emma knew the answer to the last, they’ve never talked about it but Emma saw the images in the book, knew how young Regina was when she was married to the King, a man old enough to be Regina’s father, and she knew, there was only one reason a man married someone as young and beautiful as Regina and it wasn’t to raise his daughter.

“No…” Regina let go of Emma’s hand, sitting up and the combed her fingers through her hair in frustration. “He was my soulmate, I should have wanted to…”

Emma sat up next to her, comforting hand placed on her back and Regina leaned back into her touch. “But?”

“I just wanted him to go away, he obviously wanted to have sex so I thought…if I gave him what he wanted he’d just go away…”

“Oh…”

“I let him use me…because that was easy, just give them what they want and they’ll go away and I’ll be okay, I’ll be left alone…if I just give them what they want.”

“I didn’t…” Regina looked back at Emma, hearing her voice crack and Regina shook her head.

“I told you, I wanted to sleep with you.”

“But I made you feel used like him.”

“You did.”

“Oh, god…I’m so sorry…I…fuck, R’gina, I never wanted to hurt you like that…”

“I know…” They both let out a long sigh, Emma’s hand rubbing her back comfortingly, unconsciously. “I was conditioned at a young age to think of sex to be about control, that a man will never understand no, that you give him what he wants and everything will be okay…I learned to use my body to control, sex was a weapon to yield…I was in control and then…then he came into my vault and he wouldn’t leave, he wouldn’t listen to me tell him to go, that I didn’t want him there, and he kissed me, with that look in his eyes and I knew, that if I gave him what he wanted he would leave, and I’d be okay.”

Emma pulled her against her chest as Regina’s body trembled, pulling Regina’s legs across her lap and holding her protectively to her chest, leaning back against the headboard as Regina’s body shook.

“I was better before I was cursed, and then these memories came back and…I’ve been working with Archie, on forgiving myself…on understanding the difference between things…and it’s just brought it all back and without a constant distraction from the nightmares and flashbacks I just started a downward spiral again…and the voice of what I once correlated to the queen was back, whispering in my ear…and, gods, Emma, it’s so hard to keep those instincts at bay when I’m so scared…”

“She protected you,” Emma said, the understanding in her voice as she hugged Regina tighter to her.

“She did, she was how I got through my time married to the king and after he died…after I killed him…letting her go was too hard because if I let her go I’d have to confront the pain I felt from the years of abuse I was subjected to and…that was scarier than I could think of…letting go of that anger…it was impossible because without it…I was just a scared woman, and I refused to be weak, to be hurt again…so I clung to my anger at Snow because hating her was easier than confronting what my mother did, what the king did and…”

“Going through it again just makes you want to feel protected like that again?”

“Yes and no…I don’t ever want to become like that again but for a few days there it was just so tempting.”

“Is that why you destroyed the room in your vault? You said she was taunting you.”

“I got angry…at everything, I was scared and I couldn’t sleep and…I just wanted to…” Regina laughed bitterly.

“Wanted to what?”

Regina sighed, tipping her head up so her nose was pressed against the underside of Emma’s jaw, breathing in her scent before she admitted in a whisper, “I wanted to be in your arms.”

Emma let out a sound of surprise, “Wh-why…” She blinked, clearing her throat, “Why didn’t you come to me?”

“I was scared…scared you’d reject me, scared I’d hurt you…scared of ever feeling what I felt the night you walked away from me…feeling what I did when you walked out of my office…I made a promise to myself to never let myself be hurt like that again and…whenever I think about finding you I’m reminded of what it felt like to watch you walk away…over and over and over again.”

“So that’s why you’ve been avoiding me? You’re scared?”

Regina frowned, the urge to deny it, to shrug her off and tell her off, to snap was strong but then she remembered what Henry said about her sabotaging her own happy ending and she relaxed against Emma again. “Yes, I wouldn’t survive losing you again…”

“You’ll never lose me, Regina,” Emma said, pulling back so their eyes met, Regina’s looking away a second later.

“I already did…”

“No, you didn’t.”

“You left me!”

“And you left me!”

Regina recoiled from Emma as she met sad bluish green eyes, “What?!”

“You chose to stay with Henry, you decided to leave me before I ever walked through that portal.”

“You chose him…” Regina’s lower lip wobbled, “It killed me seeing you with him, kissing and holding hands and…thinking of watching you raise a kid together…it hurt too much, I couldn’t…”

“I didn’t choose him, I was scared and confused and I thought I was doing the right thing…”

“You chose him, that’s choosing him, Emma! You left me, you never visited…I was so heartbroken, I wished every day to see you again but you never came…”

“You never came to me either! You had 13 years to come visit but you didn’t! You ran, Regina.”

“You ran first!”

Regina pulled herself from Emma’s hold, pacing around the room, trembling hands tearing through her hair. “Why do we always do this to each other?”

Emma let out a long defeated sigh, “Because we’re both scared.”

Regina wrapped her arms around herself, turning to face Emma with tears in her eyes, Kiara sitting at Regina’s side dutifully. “I loved you, you know?”

Tears poured from Emma’s eyes, slipping so her legs were hanging over the side of the bed, “Why didn’t you come back then?”

“The thought of seeing you with him raising your daughter hurt too much…I just wanted to start over…why didn’t you?”

“Don’t you get it?” Regina shook her head, “it’s been a year since you left…I was pregnant and then a new mother and then…” She met Regina’s eyes, tear tracks on her cheeks catching the light, both looking like a mess. “Then you returned, you came back.”

Regina looked away, “But I needed you…”

“I’m here, I’m right here, Regina,” Emma said, voice filled with so much emotion Regina had to look back at her, eyes catching the hand held out to her.

Slowly she slipped her hand into Emma’s grasp. “But I needed you then…Henry needed you then…”

“I never abandoned you, you were always with me…we were only separated for a year.”

“For you…”

Emma tugged her closer, “Yeah, for me…”

“You should go to her, to me, she needs you…I need you right now, Emma and…you should go, fix it, be happy with her because I’m broken and she’s not…she’s not…”

“Never.”

“I don’t deserve you…”

Emma stood up, cupping Regina’s cheeks in her hands, “I could never leave you again.”

“You wouldn’t, you’d be going to me.”

“I’d miss you.”

“I’d be right there with you.”

Emma pressed their foreheads together, “You need me.”

“She needs you.”

“I won’t leave you.”

Regina pulled away from her, arms folded over her chest again, “You’re not leaving me!”

“I’ll be leaving this you! Who knows what will happen if I leave! I can’t do that, Regina, I can’t take Hope from you! She loves you!”

“She won’t know the difference!”

“I will! I can’t risk losing you!”

“I’m not going anywhere!”

“I can’t risk losing  _this_ you! You’re…dammit, you’re perfect, you’re something else! You’re more relaxed in ways you’ve never been, I can’t risk losing this new you that uses slang and wears band tees and,” Emma stepped forward, hands moving and tangling themselves in Regina’s curls. “I can’t lose the curly hair, I can’t lose how you are with Lucy, with Henry, I can’t lose Ry, I can’t risk taking our son from you, I can’t risk changing anything, I wouldn’t survive without you, without long walks in the woods with Hope and Kiara, I can’t take her from you either…you’re so much stronger than you were, you have this light about you…you joined realms, you fought and you lost so much and you’re hurting but…you have this light in your eyes, this relationship with Zelena that you never had before…I can’t take those things from you…I can’t lose you…because…if I leave, if I take Hope and go find the other you and Henry and we live the next 13 or 20 or 40 years there, well, I’ll be killing you and…that would kill me, I can’t lose you, I can’t leave you…not again…not ever again.”

“Why not?!” she cried, tears pouring from her eyes.

“Because I love you, Regina, I fucking love you so much it hurts to breathe when I’m away from you, I love every version of you…and you…right now, you’re hurting and I can’t leave you, because I _love_ you.”

Regina’s mouth fell open in surprise, eyes wide and filled with tears that rapidly rolled down her cheeks, joining the others. She was in shock, complete shock…she never thought…she couldn’t…she doesn’t…but…

“I know you don’t love me anymore but I still love you because a year ago I kissed you for the first time, a year ago I held you in my arms, a year ago we…well I wouldn’t call it making love but…we made Hope, we made our beautiful, healthy, smart daughter, a daughter that has your eyes and nose, has your mouth, your beautiful dark hair, and she, is my everything, she, Henry, Ry, and you are my reason to live, to fight, when I was stuck in a loveless marriage and…you and _our_ kids are my reason to fight for the rest of my life, we may never have a chance again but–”

Regina surged forward, grabbing onto Emma’s face and crashing their mouths together in a sudden kiss, a sob breaking out of Regina’s mouth but she kissed Emma hard, pecking her lips between gasping breaths, desperate as she clung to her and Emma clung right back, the kiss sloppy and eventually they had to stop because they were both sobbing, Regina trembling and their tears mingling together, tasting them each time they leaned back in for a quick kiss, their foreheads pressed together and hands gripping their faces and…they never wanted to let go to be away.

Regina nuzzled their noses together, Emma laughing through a sob as she moved her hands to wrap around Regina’s waist, “I love you too, Emma, I never stopped loving you.”

Emma sobbed, pecking her lips, once, twice, three times. “I can’t lose you again, Regina, please…”

Regina hugged her close, burrowing her face in Emma’s neck, arms wrapping around Emma’s shoulders, hand buried in her hair, holding her head securely against her as Emma’s arms tightened around her middle, hand slipping under her shirt seeking warmth, their bodies moulded together like when they were in the shower earlier that evening, Regina even raised on her tippy toes just slightly to better hold Emma against her.

“I love you.” Regina whispered, kissing Emma’s neck, “I love you, I love you, I love you.” She repeated, over and over, kissing her pale skin after every time.

“I love you too.” Emma kissed her shoulder, her neck, up to her jaw, cheek, pulling away enough to place a kiss to her temple, forehead, “I love you,” She breathed, kissed her other temple, her cheek, “I love you,” the tip of her nose making Regina giggle through her tears, “I love you, Regina Mills, with my whole soul.”

Regina pressed their foreheads together, nuzzling Emma’s nose as her hands moved to her face, gently wiping away her tears, Emma leaning into the touch and they locked eyes, just watching each other for a few long moments, Emma’s hand moving from Regina’s waist to wipe away her tears too, Regina leaning into the touch and kissing the heel of Emma’s hand, their smiles soft and loving before Emma leaned back in, the kiss slow this time, loving in a way it’s never been before, outdoing the kiss after they had sex by a million, and Regina never wanted to stop, never wanted to leave her arms, because she finally felt safe, loved…something that was so unfamiliar…something she’d been missing her whole life, craving her whole life, and it might be greedy but there was no way she’d let her go now…not ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this will but at least 4 chapters long and I will be updating every Wednesday if all goes to plan! <3
> 
> Take Care,
> 
> Ang


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